Feeling inhibited

ElaineI

Me too and has access to my phone, MacBook etc but I don't to his!

You need to go to your Settings and tighten up your security. There is absolutely no need to have someone intruding into your gadgets like this. Change your passwords - it's easy to do!

Me too and has access to my phone, MacBook etc but I don't to his!

I can relate to several of these threads, my husband thinks nothing of listening in when I'm trying to talk to family or friends. He's even done it when I've taken a phone call from a doctor in another room, I can't concentrate when I'm trying to take everything in and he's standing there. He seems to think that he has a right to hang around. Every time the phone rings when we're watching tv he grabs the remote control and turns the sound off, expecting me to stay and take the call. I go out of the room anyway, but he gets shirty about it. He just got annoyed with me for being on the laptop instead of watching tv with him. He is definitely controlling and manipulative , I could say a lot more but I didn't want to take over Antonias thread, I just needed a little rant

I would absolutely draw the line at that.

I would sign out of FB every time, and use a password he couldn't guess. I really don't understand friends of mine who share things like social media accounts and email addresses. In fact, I try not to email people with shared addresses as I'm never sure who is reading the messages.

He is also very interested in my Facebook page. Many of my FB friends are my former pupils, and he has, in the past, even commented on posts, as if it is me commenting. I got furious about this. The main reason being that his spelling is atrocious, and I was really embarrassed and angry to think that my former pupils would be thinking I can't spell! To be fair, he has stopped doing it now.

Sorry to be so late replying. I wasn't keeping up with my thread as I didn't think it was very interesting.
My friends and I are all quite elderly. There are three of us, and we live at quite a distance from each other. To meet up involves two train journeys which none of us are happy to do just yet.
I don't want DH to feel excluded in any way - particularly as he doesn't have any friends of his own and tends to 'hijack' mine. The only contacts he has are with family.
I suppose I just wish he would take himself off somewhere, but he doesn't. He half listens, and then asks for more details about what we have been talking about.
Similarly, I do an online French class hike he is in the room, and again, I find his presence invasive. Half my mind is on the French lesson and half on him, so it's hard to fully concentrate.
Thank you for your suggestions, I'll look into them, but don't want to hurt his feelings.

I don't think that it is necessarily controlling behaviour. In a small flat, should the husband be forced to move out of the room when his wife wants to chat to her friends? Who is controlling whom then? Isn't it just sharing a confined space?

As I said upthread, I understand the situation, as I also feel inhibited talking in front of others. At home, I can easily go into another room, but when we are at our caravan there are fewer options. My husband is understanding, and goes for a walk or something when I want privacy, but if it is raining, or if he is eating when the phone rings, I would consider it controlling of me to expect him to do so.

Covid! Not vivid.

This is really controlling behaviour. I realised that my friends husband was listening in when she kept pausing to let him give an opinion. It puts me off phoning her. I also only noticed that before vivid she could only meet me on days when he was out or had a match to watch on tv. He also stopped her visiting her sister in hospital on days when he had no alternative activity.

Can't you meet up at a cafe/park/pub/garden?

I so get this. I live in a small flat. I cannot meet my friends for a picnic as they live too far away. I make do with What's app and emails. If friends call the landline, I let the answerphone pick up the message.

I must be lucky! My husband goes into the kitchen diner when I have a Zoom meeting with my local folk club but comes in half way through to give me a cup of tea, says hello to everyone on the screen they all wave back and he is gone. I’d find it strange singing solo in front of him but used to do it often in the pub or folk club.... bizarre.

I agree its not the same.

I totally understand how you feel, I would feel inhibited too.
My OH is the same actually, when talking with his friend abroad, he likes to chat in another room. We are just lucky with have 2 rooms. I would just tell him nicely to make himself scarce while you are chatting.

I would also arrange to meet in person, even a park bench and flask of coffee is so enjoyable. It will give you all a boost. Why not suggest it to the others? No reason not to.

Where are you OP?
Several of us have asked why you don’t resume your lunches out with your friends.

Is there a reason why that can’t happen?

Why are you still talking at home can’t you resume your meet-ups I ve been meeting friends for coffee for months now, you don’t have to touch them, breath on them, or be near them
You are much better off in the fresh air than having your husband breathing down your neck listening in

is it possible with whatsapp to also message as well as video call, you can do that with zoom. If so sounds a good idea to use headphones and occasionally send a written message. If he won't go away maybe start talking about menopause or periods and other such things that he really won't want to listen to lol, or try and involve him in discussing Mavis's hot flushes what would he do lol

If you want to make a stand regarding your phone conversations, do so. But tell him. Tell him that you are perfectly entitled to have a conversation anywhere and with anyone without being supervised or monitored. Tell him that he should certainly be embarrassed at his own behaviour in front of people he hardly knows - because you are. Ask him just why he is hanging around and has nothing better to do. See what he says. Maybe he's never actually thought that he looks like a needy child - or a controller. If all else fails, then regularly go out to lunch as you used to do or have a picnic somewhere convenient with your friends. It's not about having secrets or talking about things behind his back, it's about being able to relax and be yourself and having the privacy to do just that.....you're not joined at the hip. You need that female company in your life, enjoy it all !

I think that if the OP wanted to resume her lunches she would have done so .

At no point has she said that her husband is unreasonable- basically her post was exactly the tone and sort of subject matter used in my calls to my friend, and some of the responses on here illustrate perfectly how things can be taken out of context when overheard.

Sorry, but why doesn’t this lady simply ask her husband to pop into the bedroom with a book or whatever while she chats to her friends? It’s not rocket science is it?

My husband has disabilities which mean he finds it very difficult to be physically active. Obviously, that mean I do most things in the house and garden, and he would love me to spend every minute with him, for company. There are times when I would love to be able to talk to someone (about worries, or even just gossip) and I achieve this by emailing people, and joining in discussions such as this one. I now have a "pen friend" following a request on Gransnet! We can chat to one another by email and exchange photographs, views on books (we both like reading and gardening) etc. We have a "computer room" where the Desktop Computer lives, and he does "pop in" sometimes, usually just to check that I'm OK. We both have smartphones, but as I'm partially sighted, he can see and read my phone, so not really private. If we visit anyone, or go out anywhere, out of necessity, we go together. I can't travel alone, and he would not choose to go anywhere without me, but since we get on very well and enjoy each others company, this isn't a problem. It is nice though, to be able to chat and know that only the person you are speaking to, can hear you!

Resume your lunches, if there are not more than five others, make the most of this weather, sit in a garden somewhere and natter away?

It is OK to meet with one other friend to chat at a suitable distance, but more than that number means I find it hard to hear and engage with others.

You can do something about it...... my friend and I always met weekly for a lunch in a pub....but now ( weather permitting) we go along our river , find a bench and have a socially distanced picnic. She’s brings food...I bring wine in a flask and glasses, with a ice pack to keep it cool. We have a great time and it’s certainly cheaper. Give it a go!

Totally get this. If me and Dh are in the same room when I’m on the phone, he just sits watching me, and listening. I think Covid has taken a lot of our privacy away. Even if I’m upstairs away from him, he’ll find a reason to pop on. Infuriating ???