A lovely Lady who re-invented herself

I totally agree, Lock.

Thank you, Rozzy

Wise words Fevertree. Life is rarely black & white...

I met an awful lot of care home residents whose lives had been much the same.
It often meant they had nobody to buy their toiletries, or a new vest, let alone a treat.

A lady who lives near me never married. She was the daughter who stayed at home to look after the family. She lived with her widowed mother, and also walked to her unmarried brother’s house every day to cook, shop and housekeep for him. Her mother died at the age of 96. She continued her daily trips to wait on her brother. He never took her for an outing or a holiday. He died recently, and now she has no-one to look after but herself. Sadly, she has been so programmed to spend her life as a ‘dogsbody’ that she wouldn’t know how to begin to enjoy herself. She seems content with her lot, but I feel so sad for her.

Maw, I like you, had the best husband and friend, I have tried to make a good life, but I feel his loss every day, feel sometimes I am just treading water. I do however realise that I had a good man and that I was one of the lucky ones like you, he can’t be replaced. I wouldn’t give one day of my life with him up for anything, he died too young. How awful for anyone with a controlling and abusive husband, my heart goes out to them, it’s not easy for a lot of women, breaking away, widowhood could then be seen as that door opening to be themselves . Good luck to them.

I know of somebody who 'blossomed' when her husband died. It wasn't that he was controlling or horrible to her, but he didn't like to spend money on things he felt were unnecessary in his words.

When he died his wife spent out on a brand new kitchen, re-designed her garden, had a makeover and got a kitten. Eventually she found a new fella, too, and married him.

Thank you very much for your post NotSpagetti. Yes it is lovely for my girls, for all of us in fact as I now see them whenever I like and do whatever I please. Single life is great

Unfortunately my estranged (but formerly very close) cousin is still in a coercive relationship where she has been pressured into 'choosing' between family and partner. Apparently he felt her family didn't give him the respect he thought was his due so told her he would have to find someone whose family did.

She lives in his house and works two jobs, one of which is from home with him. We have all now accepted that even if she came to realise the situation she was in, she would find it nearly impossible to leave as he has made her complicit in the estrangement.

Reading up on 'Echo syndrome' has personally proved very useful in my coming to terms with the reasons behind her rejection of us, as he used to also try to control me through her. A good start is: Narcissus and Echo: The Myth and Tragedy of Relationships with Narcissists, just Google 'Echo syndrome' and you should find it on Psychcentral.com

Sometimes a person is not in an abusive relationship but rather just a contented, dull one. The loss of a partner can make the survivor realise that time is running out and he/she decides to enjoy life to the utmost.

I met a lady in a department store and we chatted as we were both looking at rather pricey cookware and ended up discussing the pros and cons and she confided , that since she was now on her own, it gave her a great deal of pleasure to buy , and use, nice cookware. We both bought the same item.

Missminnie, I'm not sure what it was about my posts that irritated you. My second post said that if I lost my husband I wouldn't want to build a new life, in the way that the OP's friend was able to do. That woman had been in an unhappy, controlling marriage. I know I'm blessed to be in a happy marriage so I know I'd be lost but I'd carry on with my family as focus. I meant no offence to anyone

There is currently a storyline on controlling husbands and abusive relationships on Eastenders.
Sadly it is real life for so many women and highlighting the situation may help others.

My x mil totaly changed everything in the house,bought a brand new car and loads of new clothes.
You wonder how happy people really are in their marriage.

I am sorry that her life was like that and glad she went on to find some happiness.

Thank you for the varied responses. Yes it is devastating to lose a much loved Husband but the family member I referred to was not in this situation. Being controlled by another person is soul destroying. She told us after her Husband died that he had said you belong to me and it seems that he was terrified if he let her out alone nicely dressed and made up that she would go off with another man. They also never had children because he could not bear the though of sharing her with anyone else. He clearly was a very insecure person and treated her as a possession rather than as a person.

Iam 64 until you're in the situation you simply can't know how you will cope after the devastation of losing a much loved husband and father. I hope you never have to.

I was devastated when my first husband died. I was 40 and it was my 2 children who kept me going. Even in all the misery there were little pleasures. No longer having to watch football and war films and being able to read the newspaper of my choice. Still wished him back with all my heart but there were tiny slivers of a silver lining behind the clouds. Eventually I did make changes to the house ( he was happy with the house as it was ) and sometimes bought different types of clothes. You can do this even when you lose the love of your life. Even more important if you lose someone who gave you no happiness or security.

Yes I know someone who changed completely when her long-term partner died. They had seemed a devoted couple so I've no idea if he was controlling, but we all deal with bereavement in different ways so perhaps this is just hers.

It works for widowers too. Our lovely neighbour lost his wife to a stroke when he was just 70. They had been a very staid couple. The house was old-fashioned and their idea of going abroad was to the Isle of Wight, where they went every year. After his wife's death he redecorated the house with impeccable taste. A year later he embarked of a series of holidays "To see the world". He said that this was never an option when his wife was alive. He joined clubs and thoroughly enjoyed his new freedom. I am sure he loved his wife very much, but she had always stopped him from doing the things he wanted to do.

When my mother divorced my step father she was totally set free and spent her 50s and 60s buying nice things, travelling and sleeping soundly at night.

When my husband's grandmother lost her husband she too bought new items for her home and carried out renovations.

My ex-neighbour's husband was incredibly mean with money and controlled all of the finances. My neighbour was constantly told that they didn't have enough money to buy new things for the home, go on holiday etc. When he dies unexpectedly she found boxes and boxes of money hidden all over the house, in his shed. She also discovered multiple savings accounts and shares which he'd had for years. Of course she was never able to challenge him. How sad.

Our friend was in a happy, loving marriage but when his rather frail wife died, although he obviously misses her greatly, he rediscovered the pleasure of activity. Now in his seventies, his regular one-destination holiday changed to exploring the world with friends, he goes out incessantly, and has discovered a joy in seizing the day.

My parents were married for over 50 years, and it was a rather rocky relationship. They were chalk and cheese. My mum made a lot of compromises I came to realise. She was lively and outgoing, and my Dad - a lovely, lovely man and parent - was quiet and shrunk back from social occasions.
When he died suddenly I realised that despite the arguments and constant bickering that they did love each other. My Dad often reminded me of a rock around which stormy winds and waves were beating. My Mum was so shocked she let her guard down and I saw what he had really meant to her. . I had thought they didn't like each other.
I remember one of her exasperated sayings was "If it were not for you children....."
In the years that followed she became her own woman. She travelled abroad and had a lively social life. She faced her fears. I have a photo of her with a python round her neck! She had used to be terrified of birds, but took on a budgie that used to fly round the room. Good on her!

Well done twiceasnice - how lovely for your girls!

I envy all if you who have had happy marriages and am so sorry you are sad now you are widowed. I would have loved to have had the kind of loving relationship you talk about. However having finally left an abusive long marriage several years ago if you have been in a good marriage you really can’t understand how wonderful it is to be free of a bad one . You definitely don’t realise how bad it’s been until you’re no longer in it. My girls were ecstatic when I left!

One day my ex husband verbally attacked me in a very nasty and aggressive way - in front of a friend. This was unusual, as he normally behaved very differently in front of others than when we were alone. After he left the room the friend said "Its not you - its him" She will never know how much that meant - you begin not to know who you are. I couldn't leave because the children would have had to spend regular time with him without my being there - as adults one of them has said "I always knew you would help me when I needed it" If you've never been in such a relationship its hard to imagine it - and why it is hard to leave.