I may have offended - not sure what to do

Had you allowed the discussion to continue you would have caused more upset for the members with no grandchildren. It was a no win situation. You could explain your reasons to the two friends in a huff. I suspect they would feel embarrassed by their own thoughtlessness.

I can understand exactly how you feel Jilly, been there, done that.... etc.

However, over the years I have decided, that, unless, completely and utterly rude and I intend to give offence,

then I do NOT give offence, if someone wants to TAKE offence that is a matter for them..

sometimes I will point that out to someone if I am feeling ugh!! was I rude? and say exactly that,, I never INTEND to give offence.. however.................

Jilly, you sound so lovely ! I spend half my life thinking I’ve upset people and most of the time I don’t think they have even noticed. We’re just sensitive souls. If you have a WattsApp group, it’s very useful to send through a ‘funny’ to break the ice if you’re unsure of others’ reactions.

If I was in the meeting I would have been grateful to you. I think Madgran’s advice is very good, if you feel you were a bit sharp.

As Chairperson it is your responsibility to control the meeting, follow the agenda and keep the Committee focussed on matters in hand.

These two individuals were completely in the wrong but seemingly are not Adult enough to admit that they overstepped the mark.

Just ignore the matter, move on, don't send anymore messages as it will make you look needy. Be the bigger person.

I'm also a Chair of a local retirees group and believe me, we have a certain cohort who go out of their way to make life difficult and unpleasant just for the fun of it; one of them even went as far as to demand that one Committee make an important decision without discussing it at a meeting, it caused no end of problems when the person refused.

You did the right thing by bringing the meeting back to order.
The other members doing the chatting were in the wrong - they could very well have had their chat at the end of the meeting.
By pointing out to them that they were in the wrong, it made them feel silly in front of friends and very childishly, they are in a huff.
Leave it for the moment, it will sort itself out - they should really apologise for holding up the meeting!

Yes you did exactly the right thing. A meeting is to discuss agenda items. Chit chat comes later.

I should have added, they act the way they do, because they want to transfer the blame to you, which they seem to have done very successfully.

Just because you offended someone doesn't mean that you said or did anything wrong. The fault can, and often does, lie with those who caused the offence, because they know they were in the wrong and do not want to admit it.

I have chaired quite a few meetings and if the chat veered off too much I just simply said something like, 'don't you think we should get back to the agenda now?'

I don't think you were out of order at all, as the Chairperson it is up to you to guide the meeting and you did say there had been a lot of chatting and catching up at the start and of course they could have chatted again when it was finished. Nothing worse than a meeting where people keep going off at a tangent instead of getting down to the nitty gritty, my eyes definitely glaze over when that happens.

Jillybird the others at the meeting will have been very grateful to you for stopping the social chatting. I have been in meetings where they have gone completely off track because people were discussing other things, which is wasting the time of those who want to get on with the agenda.
The chatterers were in the wrong not you and to go off in a huff is childish imo.

I totally agree with Madgran77’s response. Maybe give each of them a ring in a day or two to try and smooth things over, but also hear their angle on it and don’t forget to reiterate your take on things as well. Surely, if they’re good friends, they’ll understand your perspective. You did the right thing, Jillybird, in bringing the meeting back to the topic(s) being discussed. Maybe you were slightly sharper than you intended (that happens sometimes), but the meeting needed to continue and these two friends were hijacking things a bit. They probably hadn’t seen each other for a while, but there’s a time and place (after the meeting for example). It’s understandable that they wanted to chat, but they should have waited. If these friends are still huffy, then they may be feeling a bit awkward and guilty - keeping their heads down, so to speak. I am a worrier and a bit of a people-pleaser (I don’t really like having to admit that) so that’s the advice I would give - to ring them. Can also understand others views too!

I think you did the correct thing for 2 reasons,1, you managed to stick to the Agenda 2,The other people in the Group without Grandchildren/Family don't need to be told how much they are missing out on especially at this time of Covid which has made loneliness so much worse.
I don't think you need to apologise for carrying out the Role you were meant to do.

I think Madgran has made a good suggestion, which you could act on if they stay huffy. You didn't do anything terrible. You needed to get the meeting back on track.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

They were in the wrong. There was time before the meeting started to chat and that was were it should have been, not in the middle of the meeting, so you were right. In the past I've stopped going to various reading groups because of people who would hijack the meeting and start talking about the NHS or the buses, etc, etc and I got fed up with it. I'm sorry that the two people didn't like it - I wonder if they felt embarrassed as they realised they were in the wrong?
Good Luck with it - you did the right thing.

If there was no reply to a friendly text I would leave it for a few days and then maybe ring each up and say "After our last meeting I got the impression I offended/upset you when I asked if we could stick to the agenda. Am I right?" If the reply is "No!" say "That's good then" and chat generally. If the answer is "Yes" listen whilst they explain their feelings and then say "I am sorry if I was sharp, that wasn't intentional. I suppose my concern was to make sure we got through everything etc etc because …" Listen again to their response and keep acknowledging their perspective whilst also keep explaining your own perspective as chair. Emphasise yours (and their) wish to continue the group etc for everyone's sake etc. Maybe also ask about the subject they were talking about at the meeting ...asking about grandchildren, saying how much they must miss them etc. |Good luck

You did the right thing as everyone has so far confirmed on here. Don't give it a second thought. Time will ease your unease and next time you see them don't mention it & carry on as normal. If they are still huffy, just let it wash over you. Don't be drawn into conversation about it if they bring it up. You have nothing to apologise for & "least said soonest mended." Well done you for being a disciplined chairperson, giving up your time & travelling so far to attend.

I think you were right, you asked them to get back to the Agenda, you could have just told them to shut up, but you didn’t, you were professional.

They ought to be apologising to you and the other committee members.

I have chaired many meetings and people often go off track. I like the Vicar of Dibley model where the chair of the Parish Council says 'moving on' - seems to go down OK.
Its a job managing a meeting of or anything in fact with volunteers but you need to keep order for everyone's sake. I usually start the meeting by saying ' we have a lot to get through' and a length of time for the meeting to take e.g. we need to be finished by 12 and suggesting a coffee and catch up a when the business is done then people have a choice whether to hear the chat or take their leave.

You were so right. I’m in a group (not formal with a chair though) where some are grandparents, some are not, some have grandchildren very far away (not just me) at least one knows they will never have grandchildren. One member does go on a bit about having a busy busy time with houseful of grandchildren etc plus shows photos round. I feel it is tactless.

I agree with what everyone else has said. It’s so easy for committee meetings to branch off into private chats. I’m sure it was extra difficult as it’s been a long time since you all met up, but you did right as chair person.

I suspect the chatterers felt ‘told off’, but TBH they deserved to be. Others don’t want to hear rabbiting on about GC’s etc.

I can imagine you feel awkward, but as someone else said, just act normally when you see them again. If they persist in being ‘off’, well, too bad.

You did the right thing. When I used to chair meetings we kept things on track by saving the drink and refreshments (tea or wine depending on the meeting!) until after the meeting was closed. Then everyone can chat away as much as they want to! It also means people can get away if they need to instead of getting cross with the meeting going off at a tangent and wasting their time. My daughter who was not married at the time nearly gave up on school reunions because all people could talk about was husbands and babies. She felt so excluded.

You did the right thing. When I used to chair meetings we kept things on track by saving the drink and refreshments (tea or wine depending on the meeting!) until after the meeting was closed. Then everyone can chat away as much as they want to! It also means people can get away if they need to instead of getting cross with the meeting going off at a tangent and wasting their time. My daughter who was not married at the time nearly gave up on school reunions because all people could talk about was husbands and babies. She felt so excluded.