Husband won't accept 'charity'

ExD - you don't need to convince your husband of anything. You're in your fourth decade of life and in chronic pain. Are you seriously going to allow your husband to prevent you from getting what you are entitled to in your own right as a human being? Not only is he misguided about people who get AA, but he is also confused about the extent to which he thinks he can impose his values upon you, to your detriment. Apply for AA yourself. And if you have a circle of friends, make it public, let them know in front of him why you need this type of assistance. Your 80+ husband is gaslighting you. I wonder if he has been doing this throughout your life and you're afraid.

Lots of sensible advice here. As DH’s carer I have much less time and energy than in the past and use his allowance to pay for help in the garden and anything else we can no longer do. Looking forward to the distant day when I may be able to pay someone else to be here occasionally so that I can go out. Not in the immediate future, I fear!

Just say to him that as you can't manage the garden anymore you will have to sell and move to a home with a much smaller manageable garden. He will either agree yo that or accept help with any luck. Do you have children/grandchildren who could help?

If you apply in your own name, I can't see how your husband would know about it. It isn't a benefit that's given lightly or easily and you have to meet certain criteria to be granted any allowance at all. So if it is granted, that means you need it. Apply straight away.

Just apply for it. Isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership that benefits both of you. Tell him not to be such a selfish prick.

sponging?! just ask your husband how much he paid in taxes over his working life? How much does the rich 'creatively account,' with its benefits off the government.The amount paid to the disabled is tiny in comparison.you are entitled.......

Seriously it’s not charity!
Ask him to help To avoid AA if he says no.
Go ahead and apply for it.
Really who do these men think they are dictating in this day and age.

Why seek any confrontation. Apply for yourself, once you get it it is yours to spend for your needs, why are you involving him you know his views, and do not antagonise the situation by mentioning it.

Firstly, may I say that someone, in my experience anyway, does NOT visit you to assess your needs.
After my late DH had a stroke we carried on as usual. He needed a little assistance, but I coped OK. A friend told me that I should apply for Attendance Allowance, but I didn’t think that we would qualify - that he wasn’t ‘bad enough.’
She kept nagging me about it, and even got me the forms to fill in. I agreed to apply, basically, just to stop her going on about it.
The form wasn’t really difficult to fill in. It just asked a lot of questions such as ‘how often does he fall down?’. I was tempted to put ‘every Tuesday morning, and twice on Sundays’ but filled it in to the best of my ability. There was a space for comments at the end. I wrote that some parts were difficult to fill in, as situations naturally varied from day to day. Then I sent it off, and waited for rejection.
To my surprise, and my friend’s smug jubilation, I was awarded Attendance Allowance. The extra money, though not a huge amount, would be enough for you to pay a gardener for 2 or 3 hours of work each week, though you wouldn’t put on the form that you need it for that. I don’t recall being asked what I would use it for, anyway.
You and your husband have earned the right to this money. It’s not charity, and would make your life so much happier, with a tidy garden to sit in. If he won’t apply, do it for yourself. As people have said, there are no questions about your income, just about how you cope from day to day.

Just apply! What has it got to do with him? Sorry, I have always been very independent and my husband doesn't make decision for me.

Its not sponging. You've paid tax and national insurance so it's an entitlement.

I would not tell your OH anything at all about it - just apply. It is your right. All these ideas for trying to bring him round are wholly unnecessary - just do it.

Do not be put off by the length of the form - it is designed to put you off!!

You will find that you are repeating things - do not worry about that; just do it. And you need to fill it in on the basis of your worst days.

It really does help to involve AC or CAB to help fill in the form. They have done it millions if times and can help you to word it in the way that those reading it require. This is not about playing the system; but it is about getting inside the heads of those who devised the form and the systems on which it is judged.

Do it now!!! You are a free adult citizen, not your OH's puppet!!!

I applied on behalf of my now 92 year old mother a couple of years ago. I completed all the paperwork and she just had to sign the declaration. She was awarded the higher level of payment.
I thought my dad would object but explained that it’s not means tested - they don’t get anything else - and he “let” me go ahead because he didn’t think she would get it.
But now they’re very happy to have the extra money every month as it means they aren’t dipping into savings. You can spend the money on anything you want (a survey I read showed that a not insignificant percentage of recipients used it to go on holiday!).

Come on ladies, stand up for yourselves. The time has long gone when wives had to ask their husband for permission to do things. We are in 2020!

Tell him it's for people like yourself, and that you are going to apply for it with or without him agreeing to it.
It will make your life easier. Good luck

Many years ago my then husband who had suffered for many years with a severe chronic mental illness was entitled to apply for such a benefit, I can’t recall which one.
We really needed it. He had no motivation and I was trying to stretch our money to pay bills etc

So I got the paperwork and completed it myself and signed his signature. I’m reluctant to use the term forged his signature.
Without any issue he was awarded the highest rate plus he was awarded a Mobility Allowance. It was also backdated several months.

I suggest you apply for your benefit with or without his blessing. He is wrong.
Time to take a stand. Does he even need to know.
Please do it.

DH helps people at Age Concern getting allowances, etc. by helping with the form filling. ALL sorts apply and generally are given it. Even one lady who lives in a mansion, has live in helpers and two jags...
Go for it. Just don’t tell him!

This is called a benefit...unfortunately. Most of us have worked and paid into the system. You've paid for this more than several times over. It's your right to claim. Don't let your husband's pride stop you getting the help you need

oh dear. men can be difficult. Just point out that this is all part of what you have paid into. no different to having a pension. I presume he has no problem with having that. It is something given to people who need and qualify and something he might also need at some point. If he is not able or willing to do the gardening .just claim it. The garden is part of your home so not totally your responsibility. good luck

Personally I think the fact that ‘you’ve always managed’ - had to manage - qualifies you to just go ahead and do it regardless.

AA is generally for help with the additional costs of daily living i.e. washing/dressing/cooking etc. It doesn’t include housework so I doubt very much that gardening is a valid reason to claim.

Explain to DH that you are going to claim your benefits. It's not charity, you and he have paid NI contributions for many years for just such an eventuality. Then get your gardener in and I'm sure that he will also find it's a weight off his mind.

In my job I have assisted a number of elderly people apply for AA it’s NOT means tested and so is nothing to do with income. I would point out that he has paid his National Insurance all his life and for this he gets his state pension and the right to claim other benefits as needed

Could you not just apply yourself and not tell him? It’s such a thing to have pride but much better to have help. He’s worked for this benefit and you too claim it.

when my dad died my mum became ill she had nursed my dad for a long time and it seemed unfair, i applied for AA for my mum she didnt want too but she was able to get help with the garden she wouldnt let us do it for her the money made things easier for her, i also helped a couple i knew get it they didnt wan t to apply said they had always been indpendant well a lovely person came to visit and they got it and what a change you deserve it go for it.