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Feeling a failure and want a family unit.

(16 Posts)
Baby2016 Sat 17-Oct-20 22:13:27

Hello all,
I’ve been wanting to start a thread for a while but unsure of how it all works, however I’m feeling totally crap!!
My daughter literally only has me! Her dad & his family is useless and my mum passed away a year ago, my dad is an alcoholic so he isn’t an active support unit.
I just feel dreadful for having her and bringing her into a world we’re she only has me, we go to nursery and other children have there dads, grandparents pick them up and she has only ever had me for the past two years, I’m sure she sees this and wonders why she doesn’t get that without saying it verbally sad
I just feel awful for her.

mumofmadboys Sat 17-Oct-20 22:26:23

Your daughter has a mum who loves her. That is a great start in life. She will feel safe and secure knowing you are there for her. Families come in all shapes and sizes. You need to try and accept your situation and make the most of it. Encourage your daughter in her friendships. Try not to worry. Wishing you well

Grandmafrench Sat 17-Oct-20 22:36:31

If you love your little girl and are there for her and want the best for her, you mustn't then feel awful or that you are letting her down in some way.

How do you know that the members of other kids' families you see at nursery are better people or can offer a more secure or better life with more love and guidance and support than you? You don't. It's easy to look at a picture and in your head see it as something you so want. But sadly behind the picture there often could be aspects of life that you would never want for you or your daughter. You don't have any idea as to what is happening in those other families but you do recognise that your daughter's closest family are not people you want around her and might let her down badly. Sadly your Mum is no longer here for both of you and your Dad is someone who is more in need of support than the both of you, I should imagine. Don't worry about it and don't doubt yourself. You are thinking that you are somehow failing, you're not. You will find as your circle of friends increases and your little girl too will develop friendships, that you will be able to choose and nurture bonds with those who you will care about and who will care for you. Friendships are like that - and you can choose them. Families, although they should be everything....often are not. Recognise that and move on. Don't be filled with regret or self-doubt. A wonderful Mum is everything to a small child, so be glad you have each other and be confident that you won't fail her. Enjoy every day - that's the most important thing you can do, and be happy.

Hetty58 Sat 17-Oct-20 22:50:32

A child with one good, loving parent is fortunate. Later, she'll have her own friends and may well 'adopt' your friends as uncles and aunts. Quality always wins over quantity!

BlueBelle Sat 17-Oct-20 23:04:14

2 of my grandkids literally have one mum and me ... it is what it is , you can t change things and no point in getting your knickers in a twist about something you can’t change
They will make their own families in time

OceanMama Sun 18-Oct-20 06:19:42

Just speaking from my own experience, I only had my parents and saw other people with grandparents and cousins and other family members all the time. It was just my normal and I didn't think anything of it. The idea of having those people around seemed strange to me. It was all I knew.

Maybe you could build friendship groups that can be like family for your child? That said, my parents tried that with a couple of people and it didn't really work out as they hoped. Maybe partly because they were never very social and only had friends visit 2-3 times a year.

Do you think you feel alone and are projecting this onto your daughter a bit?

travelsafar Sun 18-Oct-20 06:41:07

Have you no siblings, or good friends with supportive people around them who would welcome you both into their lives? It must be a worry for you, especially if you were ever taken ill and couldn't look after her. I feel for you.

Ashcombe Sun 18-Oct-20 06:54:21

Some of the best mothers I have known have been alone but have done a wonderful job of raising happy children. Never underestimate the importance of the job you are doing. Could you befriend some of the other Mums at the nursery or find a Mums and Toddlers group to join?

You can choose your friends but not your family!

agnurse Sun 18-Oct-20 07:19:20

You might see if you can find a lovely, lonely senior or senior couple in your area who would like to be adopted grandparents. When I was young, we lived far from our relatives, so some older friends of my parents became our adopted grandparents. My parents are adopted grandparents to a family from their church who are newcomers to Canada.

V3ra Sun 18-Oct-20 09:05:04

Baby2016 have you looked at the Gingerbread website?
It's for single parents and might help you feel less lonely.
www.gingerbread.org.uk

Don't ever feel dreadful for having your little girl, she's your family and you are hers.
Cherish her and be proud of yourself 😊

Pippa000 Sun 18-Oct-20 09:16:02

I'm an Army Brat, as we were called and an only child. I travelled all over the world with my parents. Never seeing family or staying in one place long enough to make lasting friends. My mother, wasn't the most "motherly" either so it was usually my father and me, although that was only when he was around and not on some military operation. However I had a lovely childhood, I knew he loved me above everything and I grew up, to have an amazing family of my own, and the ability to go out and make friends, which I think, had I been cosseted in a close family, perhaps I would not have had the courage to do so. Your daughter is so lucky to have someone in her life who obviously care very much for her .

sodapop Sun 18-Oct-20 09:16:43

Don't worry about this Baby2016 better to have one caring parent than a lot of relatives who are not interested. I had no family at all apart from my mother for many years, children accept the status quo and adapt. I agree with Ashcombe make friends with other parents in local groups and you can support each other. Don't waste time worrying about things you can't change, enjoy time with your daughter they grow up so quickly.

Baby2016 Thu 22-Oct-20 06:23:24

You’ve all hard such kind words, some have been brutally honest which is always good.
I’m going to try and look at the positives I’ve looked on the gingerbread website there’s a group near me to attend but due to COVID it probably isn’t on so just waiting a email response

Ashcombe Thu 22-Oct-20 06:41:32

Good luck, Baby2016.

I’m glad you’ve found it helpful to have posted on here. Come back in a few weeks and let us know how things are going for you and your daughter.

Take care! 💜🌈👍

GrannySomerset Thu 22-Oct-20 10:51:39

My mum and I were a very small family unit when most mothers were at home and grandparents lived locally. I quite envied people who had fathers but took my normal for granted. I knew I was loved though not indulged (no money for that) and got on with the life I had.

It was only when I became a parent that I realised how hard it must have been for my mother, and my admiration for her is huge. Not having another adult to share decisions, problems and good times with is tough, so a friendship group which understands as with Gingerbread would be a great help.

Ramblingrose22 Thu 22-Oct-20 11:03:40

Baby2016 - please don't worry about your daughter only having you.

I too used to see other children in large family groups who all seemed happy together but I learned that there are often tensions under the surface.

There are children in large families who are ignored by one or both of their parents or treated badly by them. I have two sisters and we don't get on at all so having siblings means nothing.

If you love your daughter and have a close relationship with her she has a firm foundation for forming other successful relationships throughout her life.