I don’t know if I’m overreacting

I have sons and luckily have no real health problems [I'm 71] but do get the odd bad day when I feel rough, and have different niggles now and then.

My sons are both healthy, so have no idea what feeling unwell/having an operation for eg. feels like [bar the odd bad cold, pulled muscle etc]...and certainly no clue about how it feels to get older and feel the body changing. So I'm very glad about that. They have always thought of me as Superwoman, it's a family joke...apparently I can do anything, I am in this world for them, can do everything myself, not at all needy etc.! and they tell everyone that. And of course I am always there for them.

It's because I live on my own happily and am very independent, never ask for help so I have given that message out for decades now. I know they are not responsible for my health and welfare but if ever I have been in trouble in previous years they have both been there and attentive...it's take a stint in hospital to do that though! Just not the rest of the time.

I do however explain to them now and then if anything is bothering me health wise just so they are aware, to make then think a bit. And I let them know that if I can't see them or babysit etc it's not because it's what I want but that anything which stops me seeing them or the grandchildren upsets me a lot.

If I was you OP, I would take the above advice of saying you are saving them from harm, waiting for test results and anyway a period of self isolation should make your DD appreciate you much more. Do not mention your feelings or how hurt you are feeling, deal with it yourself or it could make matters worse. One day you may be able to communicate your own needs to your DD calmly, aside from this incident.

Don't take it too much to heart. I think a lot of grown up children take our help for granted and don't consider that we might want some consideration when we are unwell. They are just used to us being there for them. I have often said to my husband that I only hear from the ones that don't live with me when they want something

I bet your daughter is just having a panic about childcare and not wanting to stress you out and trouble you with it right now.

I do think sometimes children make a lot of assumptions about the strength of their parents until they see physical signs of problems and its probably not meaning too. That's the bond we are supposed to develop with them in childhood that parents should be there for their children's needs and sometimes that bond stays fixed as they become adults without taking steps to change it. That not necessarily what's happening here.

Reach out to her, tell her you feel a little better today but you need to isolate until you get your test result due to symptoms.

I really think you need some help to talk through your feelings after your son estranged so it doesn't impact your relationship with your daughter and you can feel more secure.

I am glad you are feeling a bit better but do isolate and rest until those results come.

Azalea I think it might just be you who can't see your picture!! It's there (twice) for me!!

It is such a shame you feel hurt, I would think your daughter could be more caring. That said though sometimes they don`t think how you are feeling just how hard it is to sort childcare. You could think about dropping a few days childcare with winter on the way, this virus about and your age. I`m 65 and reduced childcare `duties` in March, didn`t go down well at the time but all fine now.

I know that feeling well , same happened to me last week ?

It is hard to feel we are being taken for granted and not appreciated for all the times we drop everything to help out with childcare etc. My grandsons are now 13, 11 and 9 so things are a bit easier now but, I was often exhausted as I have medical issues of my own. Hope you feel better soon, try saying it is not possible for you to help out because of .......
every so often and be kind to yourself.

My daughter always says she forgets how old I am (72) and still thinks of me as young. (I always thought of my mum as young, and it always surprised me when she got things like arthritis, or couldn’t get up from a chair quickly) Our children have no concept of growing old so just don’t get it. Having said that, my mum NEVER childminded or even babysat. She said she’d brought her children up and now it was our responsibility to bring our own children up. My grandma never minded me or my siblings either, even though we all lived in the same town. Old age is for peace and quiet and enjoying life... and visiting the grandchildren, because who knows how long we’ve got ? If you WANT to mind your GC then do it. If you can’t, or don’t want to, then don’t! I have my granddaughter in the school holidays occasionally but it’s by no means presumed, and it’s only when I offer. I visit them and they visit me and we stay in touch all the time.

Yes certainly mums are never ill!
I remember when I came out of hospital after being treated for a bleeding ulcer - the furthest I had walked while in hospital was literally a few feet to the toilet and wash room 2 days before I was sent home.
My son came and picked me up and when we got back home, his friend had turned up for a games night!
I was left at the car while they walked to the house - only about 200 yards , but might as well have been a marathon ! When I finally got in the house, I asked my son to make me a cup of tea and the fuss that he made about not doing it myself, you wouldn't have believed!
Still, got my own back in a way - the way he felt after his first blood donation - light headed, feeling nauseous, almost exhausted- I told him that was just how I felt that time.
However we bring them up, most , because they don't realise, bring out an uncaring side.
You need to explain to your daughter just how you feel - it just may be that because she has had to deal with the childcare etc unexpectedly, that sh really hasn't thought about you plus no doubt feeling miffed that you had changed the arrangements. Just the one line of "What would you do if I had been rushed into hospital ?" might bring he up short.
Hope you feel better soon.

I really 'feel' for you. It seems it just hasn't crossed your daughters mind that you might feel vulnerable, unwell, disappointed.

I recently told my daughter how disappointed I felt, especially at this time, that her care or concern seemed non existent. Not a pleasant
('phone) call but I got it off my chest! Perhaps we are too helpful! I've stepped back from all child care now.
The plus side is that I've not had a chest infection since lock down as no constant snotty noses to wipe!

I never subjected my old mum to this malarkey.

Good luck with it all. Its so disappointing ?

I know exactly how you feel. I cover the day care for my DD upto 2 days a week. I do enjoy it but it has at times been tiring while they were under 2. Now 7 and just over 2 it’s a little easier. In Feb this year I was really poorly with a chest infection and then contracted shingles and felt absolutely awful. At the same time my DH fell off his pedal bike and ended up with major trauma to his face ( still ongoing) and a broken elbow. It was just a rubbish time. I thought that she was ok about it as I said no as shingles could pass on to little one who may get chicken pox. Some weeks later I saw on her kitchen table a sheet of paper that were obviously her notes for her counselling session and our illnesses were there along with her hubby not being able to take time off so she could work. her thoughts were there. ‘ I feel let down’. I didn’t say anything but it really stung. I decided not to say anything because I knew she was having counselling for severe depression and psychosis following the birth of her second. She has come a long way and I thought well a counsellor would discuss those feelings and put them in perspective - we hadn’t let her down we were ill. But it still hurts. Lockdown was hard and I spoke to a counsellor for a whirl about my relationship with my DD and I now just say I don’t feel well or I can do this but not this when she asks. But it still hurt.

I think its true our older kids dont realise that we too must be getting older if they are! I have debilitating osteoarthritis and a few other medical problems but because im only 57 and try to 'still be on the go' as i live with my 2 youngest sons, and do a good bit for them too as they have some disability/medical conditions, i dont think the older ones realise how sometimes i just AM finding things harder sometimes- but when i was very ill last xmas& new year and had to stay in bed i think it came home to them a bit as my 2 sons (17& then21) had to ring them for advice on how to cook xmas dinner& let them know they'd rung 111 who then sent ambulance for me (twice) as i was so ill - (rest of AC dont live near us)then when i was well enough to phone them i was coughing all time& sounded weak so i think they finally got the realisation im not infalible! (turns out was probably undiagnosed covid our g.p' s nurse said later in year!)

Firstly Feclar I hope you are feeling better today. I wonder have you received the result of your Covid test? If not then I feel that you should tell your daughter that you have to self isolate until you have the result as you want to protect her and her family. If you've received a negative result but still feel poorly then, as others have suggested just tell your daughter firmly but pleasantly that you are really not up to looking after the children but you really miss them and you're sure you'll be better soon, say I feel bad about letting you down but I'm sure you understand.I'm afraid that, to our children, we are indistructutable and, sadly, they often only realise that when it's too late.

I am sorry but I think this behaviour is just downright ill-mannered, selfish and unkind and if these “children” continue being excused and getting away with it no wonder they are like that in the first place

Not got any advice really just hope your feeling better . It does seem like the more you do for AC the more you are expected to do . Everyone gets poorly from time to time so your DD should have a back up plan in place. Maybe she’s frantically trying to sort something and will ring to see how you are later ? I hope so x

I had to cancel a day's babysitting (and rearrange) because I had a scan (for a lump). Although I wasn't worried (despite having cancer not long ago), it would have been nice if son and d-i-l had asked how it went. Nothing. I sometimes wonder if it's a living in denial thing, because they can't entertain the idea that mum can get ill. Or just way too busy. Or some other reason. Hurts, but we love them regardless.

It took me a very long time to realise that expectations of others lead to disappointment!

You can’t change the behaviour of others, you can only change how you decide to react to it.

So if you are feeling unappreciated, back off! There are plenty of people out there who do appreciate what you do. But sometimes our children are Norma amongst them. ‘The more you do, the more you may do’ is an old saying. People take your efforts for granted. We have produced these self centred children. The ball is I. Your court. Don’t be so available and exercise your asking muscle! If you appear strong and capable it can be that your children don’t think you need help.

Also, at a time like this, have you thought of 'reaching out' to your estranged son, perhaps trying to build bridges?is that at all possible?could your daughter help with that at all? Just a thought, as it seems to be on your mind about him, which is understandable at such a time.

I could have written a very similar story. Mine was pre covid. I was doing a fair bit for my ADC. Childminding and picking up from a distance to do so. At times I also did housework even DIY and gardening.
Then I needed medical tests some were scary things and I asked her to come with me. They said they would but didn't turn up. Childminding was expected to continue despite feeling ill after the tests. ADC was so angry and very nasty and sweary.
My advice would be not to let it continue like this indefinitely. You and ADC need to talk and discuss what is possible and how it has to be a two way street with help and support for everyone.

Last year my daughter and her husband parted and since then my grandsons haven’t visited me. Apparently he is saying terrible things to his children (Aged 16 and 19) about my daughter and myself. As I spent a lot of time looking after them when they were little, I am devastated at losing them. I’ve sent cards and presents, with no acknowledgement. The youngest is living with his father near to his college and the eldest is T University. What can I do? Jenny

This is hard for you but I think sometimes its hard for an adult child to really take in that a parent is actually ill - in their childhood, you were always there for them and they unconsciously feel that that is 'normal'. If they stopped to reflect they would see that this is not reasonable, but as they are busy and under pressure they may not take in the reality. I know that it is easy when ill to feel that others 'should' respond in a particular way - but they won't always deliver what we want and there may be umpteen reasons for it. Its too easy to 'decide' that they are being unkind or uncaring - and that makes us ourselves more miserable without any benefits. I am waiting today to hear if I have a very serious condition and it has made me realise that if i have, in the end I have to find my own way ahead. No one else can do that for me. If they feel empathy and do nice things for me , that will be really helpful - but in the end we have to make our own journeys.

Point out also that you are therefore doing this to protect them and their children as well- how would she/you feel if you did have covid19 and ended up passing it to them all? Has she NOT thought of that aspect?? What is she thinking, any mum would surely put that thought uppermost- not what am i to do for childcare for a awhile?I'd have thought that would be priority, keeping them safe first& foremost, in fact shouldnt she& her family be getting a test too, if youve all been in close contact?? Being lax about this is whats spreading it still.So point out to her youre doing this to protect them too-& advise her on getting tested.And that you will let her know outcome of your test and then can help out when you have results AND feel better.AND you have all fulfilled self-isolating requirements.Its possible too that as someone else said that shes not 'punishing' you but busy juggling kids& job& everything as she is without your help right now so hasnt had a minute free.or could even be feeling ill too but doesnt want to admit that to you if she lectured you over it.

Aaaargh! Well anyway, it was washing instructions- hand wash only, cool iron, etc, and beneath that it says “Or give it to your mother, she know what to do”. I thought it would help cheer you up.

I hope you're feeling better today Fecklar. What you describe is the awful legacy of estrangement; the all too real fear that because one AC has estranged you, their sibling(s) may do likewise if you don't everything that is asked of you.

It's a good idea to 'phone your D and say you're still waiting for the result of your Covid test so of course, can't do anything until that comes through. Hopefully if it hasn't crossed her mind already, that will make her think about not just how ill you maybe feeling physically, but how anxious you'll be feeling in case the result comes back positive.

Fecklar, so pleased you are feeling a little better today ? I can understand how upset you must be feeling by the lack of contact from your D. I would suggest you contact her to explain how poorly you have been, also that you are awaiting the results of your Covid test and the possibility of having to self-isolate for the next two weeks, which will prevent you providing childcare. I’m sure you will miss your DGC in the meantime, but you will need to give yourself time to recover.