Need Advice on how to deal with strange questions from Dad with dementia

My DH has Parkinson’s and the associated dementia which is gradually worsening. He gets obsessive about unimportant things and I try to go along with it if I can, but struggle to be patient. I only tell him about forthcoming and events (medical appointments, someone coming for a cup of tea) close to the time in order for him not to want to be up at dawn getting ready - or even the day before. Nothing at all in the diary for the next four weeks, which is in some ways a relief.

Thanks for the information about the Altzheimer’s Society dealing with other forms of dementia. Really useful to know.

Dementing people struggle with language. When he says "death certificate" might he possibly be meaning an advance directive(living will) ?

Re distraction, I must say that it used to drive me mad when undoubtedly well-meant people used to suggest distracting my FiL with ‘a nice cup of tea and a biscuit’.
As if I was too thick to think of anything so simple!

Yes, maybe it would distract him - for maybe a minute - from whichever insistent bee was buzzing in his head. I once counted the same question 35 times in one hour!

The only way I found to cope was to make a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering nicely, but mechanically. The slightest show of irritation was apt to provoke a furious rage - once so violent that I had to leave the house, and take the terrified dog with me.

Some good advice here. Never try to correct someone with dementia. Just smile, agree and distract.
Our GP put me in touch with an EMI (elderly mentally ill) nurse and he was wonderful. Maybe they are called someone else now.
When I had a serious problem, I could leave a message for him and he would get back to me quickly.
Social workers were a nightmare.

All forms of dementia seem to pose different problems like this. My parents both had it but with different symptoms. Dad ended up in the room next to Mum's in the care home so they would sit together in the dining room and lounge for the few weeks he was there. When he died we didn't tell her to save her the heartache and she didn't seem to notice - when we took her to the tea after his funeral as all our relatives were there she just thought it was a party and enjoyed all the fuss made of her. However she did say just as she was leaving someone seems to be missing She was very deaf and finding it difficult to talk by then so I often wonder just how much she understood.

I agree to just go along with your father's thoughts day by dad and agree with him and tell him you are sorting it out. The AZ forums are a great place for help and support - I was on it for several years and found it invaluable.

From my experience with my Dad, distraction used to work well and a simple answer. When he ‘lost’ his driving licence he always asked when was he getting it back. I always said we had written to DVLA requesting this. It satisfied him until the next visit. Similarly he always asked me how his mother was and had I seen her recently. I used to say not for a while! To say she had been dead for 40 years would have upset him so much as in his mind he was just living away from her temporarily.
Very difficult for you. I fully understand. Stay strong!?

My mum had dementia too, jaxjacky. I didnt get on with her too well but it was very difficult.

I now volunteer for The Alzheimer's Society helping to facilitate Carer's courses.

And, I really should go on a keyboard course!!

Thanks Grandmafrench sorry Kitty my Mum had vascular dementia for 10 years, she died September 2019, still, occasionally, a bit raw, although a blessing she went.

Witzend I can remember reading your posts on Talking Point when I was struggling to deal with my mum and vascular dementia, though from my recollection you had a much harder time than me! What we have to remember is that our loved one doesn’t remember so telling them that someone has been dead for ages etc will only cause distress again and again. We have to rely on “love lies” or just evasion. It’s one situation where honesty is definitely not the best policy.

Speaking from (too much!) experience, just say whatever will keep him happy - it won’t be any good using reason or logic.
Don’t worry if it’s blatantly not true! In dementia carers’ circles they’re called ‘love lies’. So as regards the death certificate., I’d just say e.g., Yes, I sent off for that yesterday - or whatever is appropriate.

If his short term memory is very poor, he’ll probably forget whatever you say very quickly, so you can rinse and repeat.

Among other things, my mother went through a long phase of being convinced that her sister had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house (!) and would get really worked up about it.

Once I’d finally realised that even a signed and sealed guarantee from the Lord Chancellor wouldn’t have convinced her, I just started saying e.g., ‘Dear me, that’s terrible - I had no idea! I’ll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.’
It always kept her happy, or at least not fretting about it.

I second a pp’s advice about the Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forum. It was a lifeline for me when things were very difficult. There aren’t often any easy answers, but whatever you’re going through, someone will have been there - and at least you can let off steam to others who know exactly what it’s like.
People who haven’t lived with dementia so rarely do. (But all too often they think they do!) ?

My sister in law always tried to correct him and tell him she was dead, which always upset him.

My sister got quite angry with me at one point because I was lying to Mum about Dad, LadyStardust

He'd died and she had known but clearly forgot. She didn't want to see him particularly. She'd just ask how he was and we told her that he was fine

Sister wanted to be honest but the staff in the home agreed with me so I managed to get her to stop telling Mum that Dad was dead

It seems kinder to me to just accept and not cause any unnecessary upset.

Mind you I remember telling her that Shirley Temple had died. Good grief. I thought she was going to pass out with horror. She clasped her hand to her mouth and her eyes were like saucers.

In fact she was far more upset about Shirley's demise than anything else we discussed in the four years of her vascular dementia.

Yes, just let them believe what they do, however mistaken, and try to shift the responsibility for action elsewhere (e.g. the doctor, solicitor or police are dealing with it).

We met a lady, in hospital, who kept forgetting that her husband had died. Every time she had visitors, she'd ask after him and be in floods of tears when they told her. Eventually, her son just said 'Dad's working late' and she was fine with that.

Jaxjacky

kittylester do you have different advice that’s worked better?

Kitty repeatedly got her punctuation in a muddle and ended up in a right mess!
She was endorsing the advice.

All the best Bracken, I have little experience of dementia, other than living nextdoor to a lady in her nineties when I was in my twenties.
She was convinced that I was her mother, and also that I was stealing her saucepans.

I put a question mark in my original reply rather than an exclamation mark. The advice is very good!!!!

There should be a community nursing team in your area who may help, sometimes social care team as well. I did watch a programme about living in the time setting of the person with dementia and going along with what they are saying even if they are wrong. I don't have any experience of it though but could see it might help. All the ideas here sound very good.

Good advice from MOnica and others about living in your father's world. My understanding from friends working with dementia patients is the current thinking, is don't keep reminding them x is dead, for example. They're then re-living the death over and over. Simply respond to their question with reassurance. Elderly people in residential care settings for example, often say they're waiting for the bus so they can go home/go and see x. Staff and loved ones are advised to respond with something like, it hasn't come yet/it won't be too long - for example.
So tough x

Community Psychiatric Nurses (CPN) also work with people with all forms of dementia. Their job is to visit clients in the home to provide support, information and advice for both client and carer.

MOnica is right, live in your father's world Bracken28 otherwise you will be going round in circles. It's hard isn't it when the parent/child situation is reversed.
Do you have Admiral Nurses in your area ? They deal specifically with people living with dementia and their carers.

I wonder if he's thinking of something else but has it fixed in his head that it's his death certificate. Maybe he means his will or some other document. Have you asked him what needs amending? That might give you a clue. Making a note of that information might satisfy him briefly anyway.

Fortunately we didn't have those problems with FiL, but we did have other ones, so I sympathise!

Thankyou for all your kind words, I have to say although Dad forgets most things instantly when I try to distract him from these subjects he very quickly tells me its because I can't be bothered to do them. I had to actually phone the place where he has his funeral plan because he wanted to find out what happens next with regard to the fact we don't have a death certificate. I felt such an idiot lol. Interesting to hear that a psychiatric nurse maybe a help. I do wonder if he's just at the delusional stage of dementia though

Yes, another vote for agreement and distraction. There is usually no point in challenging, or explaining - you just end up dealing with the same old argument over and over and distressing the sufferer.

I think Kitty went off to beat up her keyboard, Jax. It was
determined to type a question mark after her 'lots of good advice here' - instead of lots of approving exclamation marks.

Sorry for the time you are having, Bracken (I once had a lovely dog named Bracken!) you can only keep doing your very best.

My Father in Law was convinced his wife was still alive when he was struggling with dementia. My sister in law always tried to correct him and tell him she was dead, which always upset him. I just went along with whatever he was telling me and steered the conversation in another direction, as suggested by kittylester. It seemed to be the best way to deal with it and it caused him less upset. It is a really tough time though and you have my sympathy Bracken28

Gwenisgreat 1 Not a Mental health nurse in this case. A Community Psychiatric Nurse is the person who would be able to advise. I speak from experience.

kittylester do you have different advice that’s worked better?

kitty??