Can we talk about Stay at Home Mums

Kitty ''Surely, it's about choice and opportunity. DH and I chose to have a lot of children and for me to stay at home. Luckily we were able to afford to be able to do that. ''

and I agree 100%- for you and me, it was entirely a choice. And we were 100% privileged to have that choice. And great too that our choices were very different. Wonderful.

For many, it was not a choice, for hundreds and more reasons. Respect to them.

I've just re-read my post about the things mums do and I'd like to add things that dads do as well. My DS has baked for the school, helped with class outings, done costumes and many other things. Dads are much more involved than they were when mine were small.

nightowl

I really don’t like the implication that those of us who chose to or had to work were somehow ‘part time parents’. We just did everything all parents do on top of working outside the home as well. And many of us still struggled for money, and were knackered into the bargain.

Yes, I always bristled at the phrase 'full-time mother', as I saw myself as a full-time mother who also had a job. I had a husband with a job, but nobody ever asked him if he was a full-time father, or judged him for working.

We still had a house to run, we still supervised homework, took the children to their various clubs and interests, had sleepovers, friends to tea, listened to their problems, nagged them to tidy their rooms, washed their clothes - all the things that parents do, whether or not they work outside the home. The suggestion that someone else brought our children up is ridiculous.

I was a stay at home mum with 6 DC. I did do what was known as 'out work' from the local factories. Boring and very low pay but it did help when the mortgage rates kept going up. I often worked when the DC were in bed into the early hours.

I minded my nephew after school and during the holidays so his single mum could work, and also helped run the local pre school playgroup three mornings per week.

When the youngest started school I finished with the playgroup and was looking forward to a bit of me time. That didn't happen. Two weeks into the term the HT at the DC primary school asked if I wanted a TA job. I started off with years 5 and 6 and when my own son moved into the class I was moved to be an SEN child's one to one. I moved around the classes so that I was never with any of my own DC. I worked there for many years and really enjoyed it.

And, to compound my transgressions, I didn't breast feed any of my children!

I breastfed my three for a ridiculously long time kitty because I felt so guilty for going out to work . I never thought SAHMs sat on their backsides all day! I just looked on with some envy, even though I only worked part time for a few years. I agree there is room for all sorts of parents, but isn’t it sad that women are still agonising over the choices they had to make. Our daughters seem to have even less choice now.

Iam64 I sat on the PTA for a few years, baked cakes and ran stalls at the school fairs, provided costumes for dress up days and productions. These are just what all mums do . The fact that SAHMs think working mums don't do them says more about them than anything else. I also ran an alternative youth group the Woodcraft Folk.
So if i tain't a competition why do you think we didn't do those things? Of course we did its what being a parent is about.

Kitty and trisher, my life as a mum was more like trisher, than kitty. I had friends who didn’t work outside the home but like kitty and others here, they ran the PTA, brownies, guides, pony clubs. They made costumes for dance or school productions. They baked cakes for fund raisers. I did some of that, baking with my girls .
As Jan Ainsworth says, we all have multiple identities. The important thing is to respect and support other women. It ain’t a competition ?

I think we all have multiple identities, depending on what we’re doing at the time.
I regard myself, not necessarily in order of importance, as an ex-professional woman, wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, daughter-in-law, Stockport girl, & I could think of others. All those are, or have been, important to me at different times of my life. It’s not important to me that I’m White British, though I can see that my ethnic identity might be, if it was something exotic, or if I felt oppressed in society.
But if I turn up for a game of tennis with friends, or go ballroom dancing, or attend a lecture on something, or a book group meeting, none of it matters. I’m just there as myself.

Interesting Trisher. Because of the terrible car crash I had aged 19, and the 2.5 years it took to recover- I never did get my qualifications or a career on the way. I just had my Baccalaureat and a trilingual PA diploma- and 6 months experience working for a major pharmaceutical company in London.

The just as I was finally better from the crash- I got pregnant. It was a surprise- a shock, but a wonderful surprise. So I had no work to go back to- and number two arrived very soon after. I stayed at home therefore for 9 years- 2 handicapped then 7 as a young mum and career supported for my OH (in those heady days before mobiles, when GP wives, qualified or not, became free glorified receptionists, day and night and week-ends). I loved being at home with the children- and often lots of other children too as they liked the sort of stuff we got up to- and I even did a year of child-caring for a little boy same age as our first daughter.

But I knew, OH knew- that the time would come when it would be my time to go and study and get qualifications. He supported me 100%, no hesitation. He worked very long hours, nights, week-ends too - so it was very hard- but we did it. We made it work- and made a fabulous team. And yes, we got outside help too. We had 2 Au Pairs- who lived very much part of the family and became 'big sisters' - all of them still in touch 40+ years later, two of them very good friends still. And then we boarded one of the mature students I got on so well with, and then one of my 6th Former we fostered for a year.

We are all different- being a wife and mother forever was just not for me. And we are all the better for it. It worked amazingly well, FOR US.

Good question trisher.

Maybe some Mums didn't have separate identities (in fact, I I knew a few!) but I think most of us did.

I am one person but there are 'sub-headings' ie: wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, friend, volunteer. Other people have other 'sub-headings'.

Volunteering was a huge part of my life (and still is!) and almost like a job but a job that I could but aside should one of the other bits of my life need to to take precedence. The more time I had, the more volunteering I could do so I probably morphed more seamlessly than lots of people who had careers.

And, I shall be really glad to be able to get back to doing it!

I wonder then my personal identity although linked with my children has always been somehing seperate. One of the ways I found of linking back into this after I had children was my professional qualification and ability. I was "mum" but I was also a working teacher. When my children were little it was difficult to balance the two, but as they grew that became easier and I think we all benefitted from that. My children knew they were not the entire focus of my life and so they could move away from me happily and I had something else to focus on when they didn't need me so much.
But what I really wonder about SAHMs is did they have a seperate identity or did they become entirely "mum"? If they did that what happened when their children left home? I hope this doesn't sound critical it isn't meant to. I just regard my professional self as something very important in my life. I may in fact have just mentally answered my own question. Was it like my retirement when I became a fundraiser and local historian/guide? Did you re-imagine yourselves?

I started this thread because SAHM are often regarded by those who work as being lazy and not contributing to society, you only have to look at Paddyanne's post (amongst others) to see that.

Surely, it's about choice and opportunity. DH and I chose to have a lot of children and for me to stay at home. Luckily we were able to afford to be able to do that. We certainly could not have had a big family and for me to go to work and DH's earning power was far in excess of mine but he worked hard at his job so my contribution was to look after the domestic side of things. He was a very hands on father but didn't do the hoovering, pay bills etc. Actually, I didn't do much hoovering either as we had a cleaner.

You will not find me saying anything about part time parents. I could equally say that the implication is that SAHM sat on their backsides all day and watched TV.

I think Society obviously needs both sorts of families. I know that in my volunteering roles I was highly valued because there I complemented the role of paid staff enabling them to do their job. And, when I volunteered in schools, I was often helping working mothers who were just grateful for the support.

There is surely room for all sorts in our society and we can work together.

And, to compound my transgressions, I didn't breast feed any of my children!

Well said night owl. The costs associated with working, especially with young children, didn’t leave us with spare cash.

I really don’t like the implication that those of us who chose to or had to work were somehow ‘part time parents’. We just did everything all parents do on top of working outside the home as well. And many of us still struggled for money, and were knackered into the bargain.

I was a stay at home mum from the birth of my first child until my second child went to school and even then I only worked part time to ensure they were taken to school and either myself or my husband (who was a rep) was able to pick them up. We relied on no one to else, not because we refused help but it just wasn't forthcoming. We did make a cross-country move when the oldest was in late primary and so I became a stay at home mum once again.
I understand the necessity for mums to go out working these days (like my daughter and my daughter in law) but I'm glad we made the decisions we did.

I second rosie51 swimming lessons etc couldn't run without parent volunteers. Many relied on the back up army of volunteers in the schools where we lived - there was talk of asking for voluntary contributions to run certain things if parents weren't there during school hours to assist.

Esspee, another Mum like me. We were exactly like you. Have a close and caring family as a consequence. I would do it all again.

I once mentioned to my, now mature, sons how badly I felt about not taking them to nice hotels or on commercial fun holidays rather than the youth hostels or camping places we frequented. They were both spontaneously astonished and expressed how much they had enjoyed and remembered our cheapies. Another guilt trip demolished, thank goodness.

Yes and no, when first baby was born i stayed home until she was 18 months old, then we moved to a farm so I was part stay at home mam part time farm hand. When son was born we moved to another farm and I was less stay at home mam more farm hand, by the time 3rd baby came along I was almost full time farm hand. They were all with me as I worked so I am not sure if that counts ...maybe I was a baby at work mam

No, I wasn't a stay at home mum, but I would certainly have welcomed the chance to work part-time, as my own mother did, and spend more time with my children! I had my first child, after years of unexplained infertility, when I was 34. By then, I was a Senior Nurse. I couldn't afford to give up work as my husband earned a lot less than I did, and had just been made redundant, for the 3rd time. I asked about part-time and job share, but my NHS employers would not consider it! I had to retire early on health grounds, so at least I did get some time with my kids!

I gave up work when my first of 2 DDs came along. I hated my office job so that was no sacrifice for me. Once they were old enough to go to playgroup then school I worked at a door-to-door job in which I could arrange my own hours. So I could be there to take them to and collect them from school, or stay home with them if they were sick.
They were often invited to their friends' houses for tea, and said that I was the only Mum they knew who cooked from scratch. When they had birthdays I couldn't afford much so I gave them parties at home with games like Pass-the-Parcel and other games with little prizes, and a homemade birthday tea. Other Mums hired halls or McDonalds for parties, with entertainers or disc-jockeys and a caterer, which I couldn't afford to do.
Later some of their friends told me that they had always liked my parties best. So all the hard work involved had definitely been worth it.
I wouldn't have missed my time with the 'littles' for the world.

I always wondered what women did all day if they didn't work.Theres only so much housework to go round and when the children are at school theres a lot of day to fill.

paddyanne you're contrasting paid work with idleness. As a SAHM I spent up to 2 full days per week (unpaid) helping out at my children's school listening to children read, teaching them needlecrafts (sewing, knitting, crochet, felt work), pottery, accompanying them on educational trips. I made tons of costumes for various school plays, and helped teachers rehearse the children, taking a back stage role at the actual event. I was one of those that picked up my working mum friends' children when their afterschool care was interrupted. I ran a fortnightly lunchclub for elderly folk, did a toddler session at my Church, ran loads of fund raising activities. Yes we struggled for money, I never managed a foreign holiday with my children, they were well fed and decently clothed, but I was fulfilled if sometimes knackered. I barely had time for housework which was mostly done on weekends or when the children were in bed!! My 4 children have all turned out to be kind, caring, generous people. Was that my doing or just down to their innate loveliness?

Well done paddyanne ?

I always wondered what women did all day if they didn't work.Theres only so much housework to go round and when the children are at school theres a lot of day to fill.

I'm not superhuman but I managed to work 40 hours a week .sometimes more and bring up two great young folk.I made it to school plays and parents nights helped with homework took walks etc at weekends.What I didn't do was change MY life when my daughter was born she slotted in to aplace that was hers and joined us in all sorts of things.Where we went she did too .
This SAHM thing is just another way of making some feel inferior .believe me its like the breast feeding brigade who look down their noses at women who dont ...or CANT BF.
I didn't know any one who stayed at home it was normal to work ,in offices and factories and shops mainly but mums workedand guess what? Our children all grew up to be good people .

I was a stay at home Mum for twelve years until the youngest of our three children started school. DH made a career change at about the same time and was on very low training salary, so I joined the job market. I found a job in a school so that I could have the holidays with the kids. I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home with our boys and I'm thankful that I was able to do it. I was never really a career woman though I did launch my own business some years later.