Can we talk about Stay at Home Mums

I had my three children in the nineties and stayed at home with them when they were little as did most of my friends. As they grew a little older my parents had them for tea and a bath while l had some private music pupils. When the youngest started school l gradually increased numbers. I was lucky because I was able to fit in with school holidays. I did peripatetic work, too, including at the special school one of my children attended.

I was at home with my three children until the youngest was eight. Being a teacher made it easier, as I had ' similar hours to theirs. This was from 1972 until 1988. DH and I both took evening jobs to help with finances. DH was always supportive, until I did a Post Graduate Cert course while working full time in my early fifties ( work related ). It almost brought me to my knees, and he was totally unsympathetic.

Mother and toddler groups tend to exist still because a lot of women receive longer maternity leave, also certainly in my area childminders take the lead in a lot of those groups. Childcare settings such as playgroups dont rely on volunteers anymore.

I have so much admiration for SAHM’s, I stayed home for 18 months after the birth of my eldest and I felt so guilty because as much as I love my DD I absolutely hated it. My DH encouraged me to look for work when he came home for the 3rd time from work to find if invited Jehovah’s Witness people in for a cuppa. I needed adult connection and I felt like such a failure as a mother because being at home with this beautiful little miracle baby wasn’t enough for me.
When we had out DS 4 years later I decided to go back to work and did so after 11 weeks, which looking back was too early and again I felt so guilty.
I worked through most of my DC’s early childhoods, then went back into education to get my degree when the economy tanked and I couldn’t find a decent job without any formal qualifications. Studying/Part time work was the perfect balance of being able to be there for DC’s school activities, being there for all the milestones etc.
Being a mum for me, brought a lot of guilt, I mean there is joy and love and happiness there too but that wee glimmer of guilt sort of shadows things. First for not being satisfied, then for not being there enough because of my career. It took a good few years to try and figure out how to balance everything. I hope I’ve been a good mum, time will tell.

I was a SAHM when my children were very small. They were 22 months apart and when my youngest was still pre-school age I got a job for a few hours on a Saturday in a shop. I didn't earn much but it was good to be 'me' again instead of DD's nd DS's mum. A couple of years later I got another part time job as my youngest started school - again only a few hours a week - then soon afterwards gave up the weekend shop work as it made it difficult to do things at weekends as a family. Despite my little part time jobs I still considered myself a SAHM as I was always there for the children during the week and my ex had them on the Saturdays when I worked. In addition I volunteered at their primary school, was treasurer of their toddler group, then their playgroup, then of the PTA at their school.
I still vividly remember when my ex had been off sick and was just recovering sufficiently to think about meals. It was Thursday and I was getting the kids ready for school when he asked "When will lunch be today?" I had to break it to him that he'd have to get his own as Thursday was a particularly busy day. I had a church meeting in the morning, followed by sorting out the music for the church worship group which I led. This needed to be dropped round to each member so they could practice before our practice together. I then went shopping as it was market day and usually bought a snack in town which I ate in the car on my way to pick the children up from school. I think he thought I spent my life in front of the TV!
When my youngest went to secondary school I got a proper part time job, then shortly afterwards found myself as a single mum when the ex traded me in for a younger model!
I continued to work part time though, as teenagers need just as much attention and I knew if I went full time I'd struggle to have enough left to give them what they needed. I was an older mum so by then I was needing to slow down not speed up. I was kucky my ex continued to keep us in the manner to which we had been accustomed until both kids were in uni although I had to really watch the pennies.
As more and more mums go back to work when their children are small I wonder where childcare settings get their volunteers from now. Are all these groups running on a commercial basis now or are there still groups run as charities as there were when my kids were small.
I wonder if schools have many volunteers going in as I did, listening to children reading two afternoons a week and going out as extra helpers on trips out. If not they will have to employ more LSA's to do what the parent volunteers did.
I'm glad I was able to be there for my kids during their teenage years when 'Mum's taxi' is so important for all their extra-curricular activities. Their grandparents all lived much too far away to help and without the transport for flute and piano lessons and weekly music centre my DD may not have achieved what she has - currently working for a top orchestra - even if they can't perform much at present.

Brought up, more or less, by nannies, au pairs, mother's helps, pretty much anyone female with a pulse...in the 50s and 60s. Some good, some bad, some indifferent...mother full-time Fleet Street journalist, so needs must. I decided mine would not have this sort of experience, whatever it took. And they didn't: I worked round them, tutoring, part-time office work, then teaching, which worked well (although it was very hard work). Went back to my chosen career when they went to uni. Now I have a reasonable pension, so that's ok. :-)

My first was born pre may leave, you resigned. When my baby was six weeks old they offered me my job back. Double salary and a car. There were no nurseries or child minders, I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking mum plus I was in love with my baby and couldn’t leave her. I did a couple of projects for them from home but in the absence of any practical support from my then husband, gave up.

I stayed at home until my daughter were 6 and 3. I had to go back to work because my then husband kept us very short of money. I would have preferred to be a stay at home mum but going back to teaching was good for me and my girls . I could get them treats and holidays and didn’t have to beg their father for any of the things they needed. Also, I saved up and left him which was best all round.

I had to think for a while before I could remember. Similar to trisher, in fact women used to give a later due date in order to keep being paid.
I did enjoy those first few years being at home with them. My first 2 were born very close so I was with them for about 4 years.
My 3rd was born in Singapore where I only had a couple of weeks off work. We had a chinese live-in help.

Casdon I had my first before there was proper maternity leave (think it was about 6 weeks) so I didn't have to choose. You just gave up your job. I went back when youngest was 2+. The women in my family all worked I think my MIL was the first woman I met who never worked. She was a great cook and spent ages finding new recipes. My mother had a few standards and a pressure cooker. I knew which I preferred.

My DD is a stay at home mum and always will be, her and DH are 26, they own their house and run a car but to get that lifestyle her DH works away from the home for three weeks at a time. There are always sacrifices to be made if you both work or if only one of you work. The main thing is to do your best under whatever circumstances you find yourselves in.

I agree Lucca my best friend of 30+ years is politically opposed to me, dogmatic with it! But like a repeated record, I just tell him ‘we’ll agree to differ’.

Sometimes it’s a question of playing to your strengths ? Sone people are more suited to going out to work others are excellent stay at hime parents.

As for the comment about two posters being strong characters and therefore unlikely to have friends who were under husbands thumb.....?? I’m a strong character but was under husbands thumb for many years.
We all have different kinds of friends. One family member of mine has political views completely opposite to mine it she is a kind and fun person.

Casdon I was similar, I worked f/t until nearly my due dates and returned to work soon after the births (86 and 91). I thrived at work, but often had flexible hours, working in the evenings because of the time difference in the US. I was lucky, my employer (s) were very accommodating with ‘time off in lieu’ meaning I could attend school events. I divorced when my children were 4 and 9, financially I could manage through downsizing, took voluntary redundancy from that job in 2000 and started another, less taxing post after a year or so off.

I’m sorry, my predictive text turned Gagagajo into tagalong?! Sincere apologies

I’m with Tagalog and bibi70 on this one. What an unnecessary and unpleasant dig at them.
Casdon. I stayed home five years, other than Saturday retail work and typing endless reports for a local business in the evening. Then to university, divorce, career and eventually a happy, successful second marriage. We both wanted children, neither of us wanted to give up work. We couldn’t afford one of us to work part time or it would have been financially worse off.

I was a stayed at home mum. I loved it. Started teacher training when the youngest went to high school.

I suspect some will judge me harsher than that trisher, because I positively chose to go back to work after maternity leave, it wasn’t financially driven, it just didn’t enter my head to stay at home because I knew I’d be so bored, I was a much better mum for working.
It didn’t mean I loved my children any less, they have grown up as lovely and well balanced people, despite my husband dying when my youngest was only 9 - and in fact although I didn’t know it when I had them, advancing my career was the best thing I could have done for us all because it meant we survived comfortably on my income when I became a single parent. I’d never condemn anybody for their choices, but some of the comments I’ve read on here have made me feel that some would condemn me for mine.

I wonder what sort of mums the SAHM's think we divorced women who had to work were- inadequate I suppose. It was never an option for me anyway. I was raised by a mother who went out to work when I was 7. She became at one point one of the first women travelling sales people in the country. (There wasn't even a word for it then the job was "salesman"). My GMs both worked and one once advised me "Make sure you always have some money of your own." Best advice along with "get a qualification " I ever had. Work wasn't just financially rewarding though it gave me a personality and life of my own, so I wasn't just "mum"

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I worked for the 'Pru' in their offices and back in the 70's I had to leave work for good, when I was 6 months pregnant. I then didn't go back to full time employment until my youngest was 12. I did odd part time jobs eg working in BHS on Saturdays and shelf packing in Sainsbury's on week nights, but I loved not working and being able to help at Mother and toddlers group and have tupperware parties in the daytime. Hardly any young Mums I knew worked then so there were always plenty of people to meet and have coffee with.

I had my 3 children in the early to mid 80’s, and was a stay at home mom. I was an only child, who’s mother always had to work because my dad was ill a lot. So I was never in my own home with my mom, I went to my nans a lot. As I got older I’d be here there and everywhere.
I hated it, and decided if I had children, I’d do things differently.
So gave up work as soon as I had my first child.
I did eventually go back to work part time. My husband worked for himself so could always pick the children up from school if needed.
We did struggle financially, but it didn’t cross my mind to carry on working.
My own daughter went back to work and my grandson went to nursery, which I have to admit has worked out well, he loves it.
But times change, moms these days all seem to return to work.
All my jobs had to fit in with the children and running the home. So I’ve never had a wonderful job, but have enjoyed them.
I don’t think the children appreciated how lucky they were to have their mummy there all time. I enjoyed being at home with them, and never regretted my decision.

I have 4 children & always worked part-time in the evenings when my husband came home I went off to work,filling shelves,cleaning etc worked some weekends too because in those days it was time & a half for Saturdays ,double time on Sundays.......we needed the money.We didn’t get any handouts & lots of my friends did the same.....worked when they could.I’ve done a variety of jobs....fruit/veg picking,sprout trimming,worked on the line trimming turkey at Bernard Matthews but I lived out in the country & that’s what we did....all in the evenings or weekends.

LauraNorder- perhaps neighbours and OH's colleagues. That was certainly the case in the 70s. Remember Educating Rita?

I was warned when I started my full time Uni course that I was putting our marriage on the line. Because every single married woman on the course for the previous 10 years divorced during the course- as their husband just could not take it and would not support their wives.

So far, LauraNorder, the discussion has been pleasant and interesting. Showing how different we are, without value judgement- so was that really necessary?

I had both my children in the mid 70's, had no family living close by and DH was in a demanding job in another town which meant he could not help with school runs etc. Once they went to school I did voluntary work but did not go back to work fulltime until they were both in their teens. Luckily DH was in a good job. We may have been better off financially but we felt the time spent with our children was more important.
DD and DIL were in the same position with SIL and DS having to travel anywhere in the world - until Covid. At least they don't have to juggle home schooling and working from home.