Jealousy over daughter's financial situation

Urmst, the thing is, you gave that affirmation, respect and support to people who would never go to see a counsellor.

Do not feel ashamed! Like you, I was a nurse for almost my entire working life. I was a Senior Nurse before having my 2 children at 34 and almost 38. I continued working full-time when my children were growing up - I would have liked to go part-time but the right opportunity wasn't available! My husband also worked hard and by 2000, he was an International Procurement Manager and I was an Advanced Nurse Practitioner - we had a very comfortable life! Then disaster struck - I fractured my spine at work and was found to have very severe osteoporosis. I was forced into early retirement at just 54! Not long after that, my husband was made redundant and became too unwell to ever work again! Bankruptcy followed and we lost everything we had worked for! Meanwhile, my daughter's boyfriend labeled us "Benefit Scroungers" and even worse, she took his side! He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and works in his parents business. My daughter gave birth to their first child 2 weeks ago, and it breaks my heart to be treated with such utter contempt by my own flesh and blood! So don't feel bad about feeling the way you do! I am absolutely furious, and I don't feel in the least bad about it, much to the annoyance of my husband, whose laissez-faire attitude makes my blood boil! ?

Our car was 19 years old (admittedly it was the old style volvo estate). When my DD came to show us her brand new car we joked that we had an old car so we could pay for our DD to go to university and get a job that paid for her to have a new car!! But I think most generations are , as a whole though not necessarily individually, better off than the previous generation. I think we would all rather feel slightly envious about their wealth than worry if they were financially struggling. Your feelings are natural. They will pass.

Its natural to feel envy at times especially if things aren't easy in your own life. Its also natural for us as parents to want our children to have better lives than we did. Just be proud of them because we don't know what's around the corner. Be happy that they are happy and healthy.

Many moons ago in the US I was invited to dinner by my ex husbands friend who was divorced but lived in a huge American farm house. I fell in love with that house it was perfect in every way. During the dinner I had this overwhelming feeling I would live in it. Years later his son and my daughter fell in love and he gave them the house. My daughter now lives in my dream house which is breathtaking in the snow. I’ve had waves of jealousy sadly but try to focus on future trips to stay with her , where I am totally welcome, loving and enjoying the house without the worries of heating bills, repairs, grass cutting, fence mending, barn renovating lol ?

Do you know I think this has been such a heartwarming thread to read. It’s GN at its very best!
❤️

Thank you Kim19 and CaroleAnne for your really kind comments. You made me blush!
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And no, LauraNorder (love the name, so clever!) I was a medical secretary for over 35y to a team of 5 hospital consultants. I loved helping the patients on the telephone, doing what I could to re-arrange hospital appointments, to always do my best to iron out their anxieties where I could.

It was lovely when one day, unbeknownst to me, that one of the consultants in the office signing his letters, had been listening to an exchange with a patient and when I put the phone down he said ‘do you know UG I really think you missed your way - you should have trained in some capacity as a counsellor’.

When I got home and told Himself he made me laugh by saying ‘that must be because your typing is rubbish!’.
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Did you ever treat her? Or did you buy her things for her home or give her some pocket money?

Your feelings are natural when you have had a hard life,but your life prepared you to be careful in your retirement.No one gets everything in life you have an amazing daughter and grandchildren.Could you ask your daughter for material for new drapes for your Birthday ?Then make them——best of luck we all feel sad or envious sometimes,big breath in and carry on,look after yourself.I worry about 2 of my grandchildren who have always had everything and will expect that life style.

Sound like you have your answer, from all the replies. All sensible answers.
But as a Nurse have you ever thought of Bank /Agency work? Which you can dip in and out of?
You have a skill that is in demand I have been working this way since I took my NHS pension absolutely brilliant way to work.
Good luck

I struggled at times bringing up my children on my own, but now my oldest daughter is well setup with lovely husband and children, fantastic home and lifestyle. Yes I would love to have the same lifestyle but actually I am just so very pleased that she is as happy as I would have loved to have been, I want all my children to be secure and happy, prosperous is a bonus, happy and healthy is what I would lay down my life for, for them. Its so good that you can vent on here, it would be awful to let your daughter know how you feel, much better for her to feel that you are happy for them

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welbeck

OP, say to your DD that you have a request for your b'day this year. you've got your eye on some curtains, and if she would like to make a contribution towards them, that would be just right. and you will think of her every time you draw them.

I'm not sure how to reply but wanted to say that I think welbeck has hit just the right idea for a response ... lovely and practical!

It sounds as though your child may be looking for approval over her spending or as someone else said she moves in the circles where the trappings have to be expensive, we used to call it keeping up with the Jones's. Maybe worth asking her how happy she is with her life and showing her that to have less items can make you a happier more confident person. This may also be a reflection of the times we are living in just now and she is clinging to the life she had pre-lockdown when it was easy to spend money on 'things'.

This generation earn more, but their rent/mortgage is probably much higher than we paid but that we earned much less, so probably an equal balance in today's life. But when I lived at home in my first job I would write cheque to my parents each month (rent/keep), and buy my mother the odd treat such as her favourite Bromley soap (could not afford herself). Probably not relevant to this chat. Miss her now she's not alive. Sorry !!

I do notice the difference between the younger generation and ours - we struggled and saved, and "did up" our house, when we could afford it. My youngest son got married 2 years ago and they actually extended their mortgage so that they could get everything done first - new fireplaces, all the walls skimmed and painted, kitchen extension (& new kitchen), new bathroom, carpets and curtains, garden landscaped, etc. It looks stunning but it did take me aback how much it all cost them (and realised how easy they rack up credit - but, of course, as long as they don't come to us to pay it off, it's none of my business). But, I would support the idea of asking for a pair of curtains for your birthday (along the lines of "do you know what I would really LOVE ... ") I would bet that she would be only too happy to get them for you.

People really don't have much news to chat about lately. I told a friend about the daft things I've ordered online (to cheer myself up) and she said to pipe down - as she can't afford anything.

Schnakie I think you have put your finger on it.
"it's a generational thing"; as most children earn more that their parents. It's the case that we earned more than our parents, and our children, earn much, much, more than we ever did, and we are happy for them.
There are some very wise and kind responses to your feelings.

schnackie you sound lovely, I'm so glad you vented on here & didn't upset the great relationship you have with your daughter. I love the birthday curtains idea! And good luck with your job.

There are some very wise, kind and thoughtful people on this thread.

I also think it’s a matter of keeping your eyes open and being aware if someone is unable to buy those little extras and you can afford them. Many years ago I was earning a good salary. I would never offer to give my mum money and she wouldn’t have accepted anyway. But say for example, I needed a new coat I would ask ask mum to come with me to help choose it. At the same time I would say something like ‘this one would really suit you. Do you like it, try it on and just buy both. There are definitely ways and means for a daughter or son to help out without being too obvious if their financial position allows.
Anyway it gave me a lot of pleasure to buy little extras for mum after what she had done for me.

You know some charity shops have lots of lovely curtains.
Throws, table lights, cushion covers you just have to look around.
My dd has a very good job in d and I she is a specialist and we are both very proud of her.

Be happy for them. They are not making any demands on you. We have had a good, relatively easy life and I am so pleased that our children have it even better. Our children would be embarrassed to mention the huge amounts they can afford to spend as they know we are thrifty. I think your daughter needs you to see how well she’s done and comment on it.

Were you? Not we’re you. Bloody predictive nonsense

Very gracious replies Schnackie, always good to have a little rant to bring us some perspective. I often think Gransnet is like our own shrink. We say how we feel and the responses and our own feelings to them, sort out the problem.
I often think Urmstongran’s replies are wise and considered. We’re you ever a psychologist or counsellor Urms?

Having a conversation with your child, about what they don't realise is making their parent uncomfortable, is always difficult.
Can it not be slid into the conversation 'My gran always said it was not polite to talk about money'.