Suggestions for responses that won’t kill a friendship

Manamar... I've been through this and it bleeds you dry
It also made me feel resentful, as this person was very selfish and put other people down constantly. In the end I blocked her completely as she was really getting me down . Whenever I saw her in the street she would shout some nasty remark at me, and to my amusement I acted like I didn't know her so she only made herself look silly . Once she cornered me and started waffling on about her usual " me me me " topic of conversation, and I just said . ' I have nothing to say to you '. Then walked away leaving her shouting at my back again . If someone doesn't get the message with simple hints , you have to start fighting fire with fire . In the first instance , stand by a window or a door, then when you've had enough of the phone conversation , knock on the door or window and say 'sorry I've got to go .' in a hurried voice, and cut her off . If she questions you at a later date , just remember that you don't owe her an explanation, why should you answer to someone who treats you with no respect. This person needs to take a good long look at her insensitive behaviour. Give her a wake up call . She's no friend, not in the true sense of the word. If she was a friend she'd be sensitive to your situation . She isn't , she uses the ' how's your family' line as a way in to talking about herself . It's getting you down and you don't need it .

Nanamar

Namamar, "things are pretty grim" it does make sense. Thanks for replying.

I am prejudiced in favour of your friend because I had two friends, now dead,who were sort of like your friend. The reason I did not share my life with them is neither of them could have comprehended a lot that was going on with me. If they had understood what I was interested in I'd have loved to share it with them.
In spite of finding their phone calls' largely unconnected with my life at the time, I did still love them and valued their good opinion of me. I am sure they would have liked to share with me; I am 100% sure they would not have understood what I was talking about, and it would have been unkind to talk about my interests.

I don't know if all this is relevant to you. I was interested in you because I want to understand why people get out of touch with each other.

Thank you Notinthemanual! Your post made me realize that one of the draining things about her phone conversations is that they are all “just press play,” that is, it’s the same laundry list of complaints over and over and she consistently says there is NOTHING that she can do. Believe me, given the circumstances of my loved ones, I understand it’s hard to feel helpless but I am a”take action” person - obviously I can’t cure my DH but am determined to leave no stone unturned to help him. Alexa, as for why I don’t tell her my situation, I do share, to a point, but since things are pretty grim most of the time I prefer not to relate all the details because, in my mind, then I sound like her! Does that make sense?

Your friend perhaps expects you to tell her all about your own life and what is happening with you.
If you were as lonely as your friend you would be happy she wants to tell you about her concerns.

You have not said why you do not tell her all about what is happening with you.

It might be a bit late in the ‘game’ to try this approach but how about… When she begins off-loading ask her, with concerned curiosity (you might have to fake that now) what she is going to do about the problem. It might switch her focus from complaining to actually thinking about a solution, maybe even realise they are her problems - her responsibilities.

If she responds by saying “What can I do?” or “What would you do?” just say something like, “I wish I could tell you. I’m having enough trouble managing [insert any one of the real and major things you are coping with every day].” Then flatter her by saying something like “You’re so resourceful [smart etc.] I’m sure you’ll work it out.”

If she is like some of the self-absorbed people I’ve known, she will be quite keen to impress. She might gradually change her attitude from helpless victim to Wonder Woman. Hmmm. Then you might have to deal with an insufferable boaster.

Best of luck!

My father used to say if someone is lonely has no friends there’s probably a reason. I sometimes say to one of my self obsessed friends , ever so sorry I’m getting tired can’t really concentrate , or oops sorry I missed what you said bit tired, think I have to go , or I find I can’t really listen more than 15/30 minutes these days or I lose track, or can I say something about myself now, etc lol ?

Yes, Nanamar you certainly have alot to deal with in your own family and all my sympathy goes out to you. You don't need this "friend" draining you even more. If I were you I would take a step back from this friendship, explain to her you're dealing with many difficult family situations and you need to rest yourself as well to keep going to all of it.
You will know by her reaction whether she is empathetic or not and therefore show you how to move forward together or not.
Good luck and please take care of yourself, you need to have some "me" time

Have had 2 friends like this in the past, first always had chip on her shoulder and could only talk about herself, I only send her an xmas card now and she usually rings me sometime soon after ( always give the impression I'll call her back but never do).

The other one never stops talking about herself, how perfect she is, how beautiful ( she is over 80 and her looks have gone a long time ago) when we 1st moved here 9 years ago and her husband was alive as 2 couples we got on really well, but her total egocentricism puts me off, could be tricky as she lives next door, but she has also become very introverted so luckily hardly ever see her now thats life!

Some really good suggestions on here. Maybe suggest that - to get her mind off her troubles - she come over to your house to help you with your housework, gardening or whatever, as you feel swamped and stressed every day
Seriously though, I have had some really difficult things to cope with over the years and I do tend to distance people who sap my mental energy with what I consider minor troubles. I suggest that when she does ring, you MAKE the conversation about you. Talk about yourself and what's going on in your life (without pausing if possible) - maybe even put some notes of what you can say to her next to the phone, in preparation for the next call. Some people don't know what it's like to be "talked AT" rather than talked to, until they experience it themselves. It also might help your friend to be forced to hear your troubles, as people who are self-absorbed don't always know how to put themselves into the shoes of another. One thing in her defence: people don't tend to grow stronger and more compassionate until they themselves are placed in situations where they need to learn. So, on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being so bad you can't cope), you might be feeling a 9, but she, likewise, might be feeling a 9. The fact that, to an outsider, her experiences are far more minor than yours, doesn't change this. Nevertheless, she DOES need to learn how to be considerate to you, and your response to her calls will teach her this.

You have a son who lives with you, and by all accounts it would do him a lot of good to feel slightly more worthwhile. Get him to field calls from this person every now and then, get him to ring the doorbell, or even get him to call very loudly “mum come quickly - you’re needed”. It might give him a bit of a giggle as well as giving you a bit of a break.

Maybe she just wants someone to talk to.she could call Samaritans 116 123

Or just explain to your friend that you are not always able to get to the phone because of all the demands on you. Hopefully, she'll at least understand that and leave you in peace more often.

I know at least one of my kids ignores the phone when I ring!! I don't get offended (a little worried sometimes, that they're ok), but understand they have lives and busyness. One of my children turns the volume off sometimes or says "the battery ran out". Kinder than saying "I don't want to talk to you right now". Maybe you could try this. I once had a friend whose get out was always "The dog needs taking for a walk. He's chomping at the bit." No harm in trying some of these. Personally, I am rubbish at shaking people off the phone, and some people never pause for breath! Sometimes, saying "Anywayyy" in a protracted manner gives a verbal clue to wrap up the call.

welbeck

could you just tell here something of your reality, but in an understated way, eg
i'm not the person to advise you, i am in need of help myself, am absolutely exhausted all the time, that's how it is looking after someone who is ill. i wouldn't have any other way. it's a privilege to be here for him, and he is my priority. and need to go now and sort out his medication. i hope you'll feel brighter soon.

Wow welbeck! I think this is a well thought out response!
Firm, honest and not inflammatory.
If this doesnt work the only route left open to you is to be blunt and I'm too exhausted right now, I'll ring you in a few weeks/ months when I feel better. Then do as you wish.

I have an old school friend like this who is married, but chose to be childless. She blahs on about her family, brags about their wealth, etc but never asks one question about mine, and my daughter is her goddaughter, whose birthday she has never marked, not even by a card. Sometimes I suspect she might be envious of my life, as I am fortunate to have some loyal friends. I took her to stay with some relatives, and on another occasion a close friend. To my dismay, they both contacted me and said come and visit us any time, but don’t bring ——-. She seems to send out disapproving vibes that make people feel uncomfortable. I feel rather sorry for her even though she bores the kecks off me so put up with her selfishness. I would freeze off this friend of yours as she is exhausting you emotionally.

Just tell her we all have our crosses to bear and change the conversation .

That’s a common one people off loading and leaving you feeling exhausted. When she rings give her just a minute then interrupt her abruptly. Tell her that you have a lot to do that needs your attention. That you don’t have time now and put the phone down.
The next time she rings say you have to go you are very busy. You do sound a person who is tolerant but under pressure don’t feel guilty give yourself some space. You don’t have to fall out with her. Just manage the time you give her stringently she is full of her own importance.

Yes I have one like that or potentially as she does not have my phone number! I knew her from school so 60 plus yrs ago but was never a 'friend' then. But in doing a reunion contact list, she has latched on. I am deaf in one ear and say I do not like using mobile phone on good ear and keep contact to email. She has been in hospital a lot over past two years so I seem to be the handy person to do stuff/drive though less so now with covid. She is now confined to top floor apartment with carers daily. No family in her life now and other friends have fallen away. So several emails every day which I have filtered them out of main inbox so they do not 'alert' on phone.

And an ex husband who was also the worst person I needed

All Fab advise I've got a sister like that & have finally snapped was never very good at protecting myself although I do send her the odd photos of my granchildren cos I can't be that mean but I have to look after my own sanity because have alway suffered severe depression & she was the last person I needed (and my mother come to that) because they couldn't deal with it sorry for waffle

deefletch I was puzzled by the secret names for ages but here is a link to the page that cracks the code

www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Perhaps when she starts by asking how you are you could really take some time telling her, without letting her interrupt, then thank her for the call, say how you appreciated her asking after you all, but now you have to go and say you'll phone her next time, next week/ Thursday etc, and make sure you do. In the meantime don't answer the phone to her. She obviously needs to talk about her worries too, as it's awful being alone all day every day, but try this at least every other call and she should get the message.
It's perfectly reasonable to discourage her from lifting the phone to you all the time by not answering, as you simply don't have the time. You could even tell her up front that you might be too busy to reply but you will ring her when you have time.

I think most of us can say we have had a friend just like this and many also will have been guilty of doing the same thing as your friend!
The way I see it is this - do you really want to continue having her as a friend?
She lives on her own and has really no one else to think of but herself and she only seems to have you to complain to !
Next time that she calls, and starts on her usual rant , just say " I need to stop you there" and then say that you know she has problems but this is what your day is like.
She may be so thoughtless that she hasn't even bothered to wonder how you are coping with everything. If she tries to go one better with her complaints, just end the phone call with "I'm sorry, I have to go, my husband needs my help in the bathroom. we'll catch up some other time" If you say it enough times, she will either get the hint or just stop calling.
Sorry, but in my book she really isn't a friend.