Gransnet forums

Chat

Humour Non-demeaning.

(18 Posts)
Rufus2 Fri 29-Jan-21 10:53:53

A man says to his doctor, "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it. It'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way of checking, without her knowing?"
The doctor replies, "Choose a moment when she has her back to you. Say something in a normal voice and, if she doesn't answer, move a little closer and say it again. Then you'll get an idea about her hearing."

So, when he comes home from work, his wife is standing with her back to him in the kitchen. He asks, "What's for dinner, love?" but gets no answer.
He moves in a little closer. "What's for dinner, love?" he repeats. Again, no response.
He moves even closer. "What's for dinner, love?" Nothing.
By now, he's right behind her. He says again, "What's for dinner, love?"
She turns round and shouts, "For the fourth time - chicken!"

Blossoming Fri 29-Jan-21 10:58:53

I didn’t realise you know my husband grin

crazyH Fri 29-Jan-21 11:01:16

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Gwenisgreat1 Fri 29-Jan-21 11:04:30

Love it!! Rufus2

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat self downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Rufus2 Fri 29-Jan-21 12:48:35

You don't even have to like 'em!
Gwen But I do, especially when they're the butt of jokes!
That could qualify as a "shaggy cat" joke! grin

Rufus2 Fri 29-Jan-21 12:54:03

If at first you don't succeed then de-fusing unexploded bombs is not for you!

Rufus2 Fri 29-Jan-21 12:57:33

Jimmy had gone for an elephant ride in the zoo, but halfway through the ride the elephant handler was called away. Feeling pretty confident, Jimmy kept guiding the elephant on his own. It was great fun until it came time to go home and he realised he didn't know the command to make the elephant kneel so he could get off.
"Hey" he shouted to anyone who would listen. "how do you get down from an elephant?
"Well you don't, silly" a little girl replied "Everyone knows you get, down from a duck.

Kim19 Fri 29-Jan-21 13:18:56

Very good Rufus. Somewhat corny but decidedly OK. If it makes me smile even wryly, it's good. Thanks for all your valiant attempts. I note you don't always get positive responses but - hey - we're a delightfully mixed bunch here. Go for it 👍. Cheers!

Smileless2012 Fri 29-Jan-21 13:21:38

Great joke Rufus thanks for making me laughgrin.

crazyH Fri 29-Jan-21 13:27:09

👍😀😀

Rufus2 Fri 29-Jan-21 14:02:32

we're a delightfully mixed bunch here
Kim Now why does make me think of delicious mixed grille!? Probably because you're a food junkie that's why , and what's with the "corny" comment?
You must be a disciple of Fanny C. who's been known to use that about me. hmm
I like the "valiant" bit though; "gainst all disaster" grin

Bellanonna Fri 29-Jan-21 14:13:57

Loved the first one, Rufus!

FannyCornforth Fri 29-Jan-21 14:16:11

Speak of the devil Rufus...

Rufus2 Sat 30-Jan-21 11:58:09

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Progress means that bad things happen faster.

A young man sees an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at the local fast food restaurant. He notices that they have ordered only one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watches, the gentleman carefully divides the hamburger in half, counts out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each has half of them. Then he pours half of the soft drink into the extra cup and sets it down in front of his wife.
The old man then starts to eat, while his wife sits watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man, feeling moved, decides to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so they don’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman says, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asks the wife if she was going to eat her half, to which she replies, “Oh, yes… but it’s his turn with the teeth.”

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.
Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

Jane10 Sat 30-Jan-21 12:24:26

gringrin🤣

timetogo2016 Sat 30-Jan-21 12:30:01

That made me LOL Rufus2.
Dh has spontanious deafness and it drives me barmy at times.

JanetG Sat 30-Jan-21 12:40:37

😂

Rufus2 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:33:53

"Well, we're all entitled to make mistakes" said the short-sighted hedgehog as he clambered down off the hairbrush! grin