Childcare

It would have upset you if you had said yes too. Stick to what you feel happy to do, I am sure they will get over it.

It has been said many times before, it is now assumed grandparents should want to look after their grandchildren and should organise their lives around childcare.

Too many couples have children without thinking about childcare if they both need to work.

Ah well, now they have to learn what having children is all about. Hardship and sacrifice!

I would just say pleasantly that two afternoons is all you can manage. Don’t be drawn into an argument about money or selfishness. Or wanting to spend time with your partner.Employ the broken record technique.

So whatever he says you just respond calmly with the same point.

We’ll lose money if you don’t do three
Well, two afternoons is what I can do

I think you’re being selfish
Well, two afternoons is what I can do

So you don’t want to spend time with the kids.
Well, two afternoons is what I can do

They should be very grateful that you offered to do the childcare for them at all.

One of my daughters and her three children currently live with us, so it’s obviously slightly different, but I still have rules, I have them one day a week as I did before, and on Saturday they have to go to their dads so that I can clean through the house.
If I didn’t make a few rules, I’d become very resentful.
I love them to bits, and enjoy their company, but I’ve brought up my three, and don’t really want to start again!

Hi Edge26. I don’t wish to criticise your DS unduly, but I think it’s rather naughty and unfair of him to say that you’re selfish in not looking after the grandchildren for 3 afternoons per week when 2 afternoons is what you’re prepared to do. I would, like you, have been very upset by his reaction. The GC are not your sole responsibility, much as you love them and want to help, and your DS and DIL shouldn’t presume on you to do more childcare than you’re willing to do. If you want to spend more time with your partner once he’s retired, then you are perfectly entitled to do that. Up until 10 months ago (pre COVID!) DH and I looked after GC twice a week whilst DD and SIL working, which we absolutely loved doing, but we wanted a social life too (which we can’t have at the moment anyway because of the pandemic). Please don’t fall into the trap of doing childcare 3 afternoons per week if your DS says “well you can’t have a social life at the moment because of the pandemic so you may as well look after the GC an extra afternoon”. You’re NOT being selfish so don’t be guilt-tripped.

It seems odd that suddenly they may lose money if you don't do an extra afternoon. Maybe they are taking on extra work? Obviously their financial situation might be tight but there are always other options, subsidised nursery places, paid childcare, another relative etc, and often little ones flourish in an environment with other children. If they are just expecting you to pick it up, without looking at the alternatives, it is your son, and not you, who is being selfish.

It is ok to stand by your 2 days a week.

The parents will have to make it work

He should not have said you are selfish - I van understand this feeling hurtful.

You are right to set a limit on what you are able to do. I hope he will come to be grateful for this.

What Peasblossom suggests! Don't get into arguments just use broken record!

Thank you all for your kind comments, it means a lot. I'm not sure why he said they will lose money. My 3 year Grandson did start Nursery but then they closed it. My other Grandson is 7 months. My son sent me an upsetting txt last night saying all I care about is myself and to leave them all alone, ( he has said this many times before) . I feel like telling him ok I will, but that would probably mean not seeing the GC. I am 65 this year and just want to be free of all the upset. How can some adult children be so cruel.

Well, if he still needs you to do two afternoons a week, he’ll have to eat a bit of humble pie. Cutting his nose off to spite his face I’m afraid.

Respond with

“I can do two afternoons a week”

I’m really sorry that he’s being so hurtful ?

Edge26 - It seems obvious who is being selfish here, it's not you.

As for money, I paid my mother the full going rate to look after my children when I worked - it was nearly half my income back then. It's not your job to take up the slack for your kids, you've done your job by bringing them up.

Having said that, I am estranged from my son because I stood up for myself. I no longer see my grandchild, or my child. Personally as I am still his parent I took the choice to educate him that people are not at his beck and call. So all choices have consequences. Best to weigh up what you ultimately want from the situation.

I am sorry to hear your son is being so unpleasant, sending you my best.

How ungrateful and entitled some adult children can be. Two afternoons already uses up two of your free days, because it’s unlikely you will use those days to go out, you will be too tired.
Yes, it will cost them money but that is their responsibility as parents ( not yours) and you are already saving them a lot by doing this twice a week.
In the good old days when we could go out we generally avoided weekends and crowds, so if you do 3 afternoons that leaves you just two full days ( and one of those it’s bound to rain).

I would reply to him without any emotion or further comment . Just say " I am still happy to do 2 afternoons a week if that is helpful to you."

Presumably there are other nurseries nearby? Or registered childminders?

All three year olds are entitled to a minimum of 15 hours funded care per week from the term after they turn three.
That would probably cover three afternoons.

They could look at setting up a Tax Free Childcare account to help pay any fees for the baby.
The government adds £2 to every £8 that the parents pay in, and that money can be used to pay a registered childcare provider.

www.childcarechoices.gov.uk