Moving to be near children

I thought I could stay with my daughter while I looked around.

Surely you should have checked this out with your DD before you started the whole process of moving. It is a massive assumption to make that she will provide you with a home for possible six months or more while you house hunt without any prior discussion. Had you even discussed with your daughter whether she would be happy to have you living close to her?

There could be all kinds of practically reasons why your DD cannot house you while you house hunt. Does she have a spare bedroom or will a child need to be displaced? How big is the living space, will you all be on top of each other?

I feel very rejected as I was an orphan at 4 and can’t deal with rejection., I do understand how being orphaned at such a young age could affect you, but saying flatly' I can't deal with rejection', sounds worryingly like a gambit you use regularly, whenever you do not get your own way.

Apart from anything else you are not being rejected, you, just assumed you could stay with your daughter and she merely said that that was not possible and has suggested you rent a flat near by, a sensible and practical solution.

As Blencathra says you sound very 'needy'. Perhaps your daughter is sending a message that she will be happy to have you nearby, but that you will need to establish an independent life for yourself in this new place, your own friends, activities and life and not just become dependent on her running round after you, making your life for you.

Yes. We are going to do it. However you need to make your own life when you move and not be reliant on them. It doesn’t bother me - we moved when we retired to a place where we didn’t know anyone and it has been lovely.
In case of OP I wouldn’t- she is too needy if the excellent idea of renting a flat upsets her.

6 years ago I moved from Somerset to Devon to be nearer DD & DGS, I had ben widowed 2 years before. Instead of being 70 miles away I am now 10 miles away, best move I could have made, I was here when DGS2 was born.

Recently I was in Hospital (not Covid related) for 11 days, being so close my DD was able to help me out & do my shopping when I came home & was unable to drive.

My DM who is nearly 92 stayed in Yorkshire where I was born & brought up although she did consider moving to Somerset. She has been independent until recently & is a constant worry to us as she is so far away.

You have to consider carefully whether the move is right for all concerned. I have chosen wisely, live on the edge of a small Town with lots of shops, GP Surgery & good bus service (at least during the day).. My DD & I have become closer & it's lovely watching my DGSs grow up

DD is going to be moving in the near future,about 30odd miles away. She lives about 20 minutes drive away now, I'll miss her being so near, but they are going to a more rural location, which wouldn't suit me. We have everything we need here, dr round the corner, shops nearby and good public transport in case I can't drive any more, DH already not allowed. I've lived in this borough for over 40 years and feel very settled. Also my two older GCs are going to be going to university soon and number three is 14 now, so starting to live her own life, so no I wouldn't move to be near my children.

If I were on my own, I’d probably move closer - at the moment we’re an hour and a half’s drive away. Our 4 bed house is not huge and before COVID we would often fill at least 2 spare bedrooms with guests, but it’d be daft to keep it just for me.

I’d look for a small house or good sized flat fairly close to the dd with children. Their area is a bit cheaper than ours so a bonus would be being able to pass over some cash from the sale of this house.

I wouldn’t move closer in the expectation of them looking after me in old age (assuming I ever get that far!) - they already know I’d never want that - it’d just be in order to be able to see them more often/more easily.

It depends on:

*the real reasons for moving
* the expectations of the different parties
*whether all expectations have been discussed and understood
*the impact both long and short term on different aspects of your life and future

It could be spot on for one family and the worst thing ever for another family. Depends entirely on individual circumstances and the above points

I think you need to have an open conversation with your daughter. Is it just the fact she doesn't want you living with her while you're house hunting but would be ok with you moving nearer? The two are quite different issues.

About eighteen months ago we moved to be near our only daughter, husband and their baby. She and her husband actually asked us to consider moving closer. Obviously it was a huge upheaval and there are things we miss about our previous home and area. But it has absolutely worked for us - it's lovely that we look after our grandson a couple of times a week, so have a close relationship with him. However we've made some friends here and make sure we don't overstep any boundaries with them. Geographically also we decided not to live too close - we're about half an hour's drive way in a more rural area but with amenities, which is what we were used to. We also took the opportunity to get a different type of house more suitable for us as we age - modern rather than period, much smaller garden, better storage etc. Hope you can have a constructive discussion, one thing I've learned with family is to never make assumptions. Hope you can get it sorted out amicably.

I did, successfully, move to be close to No. 2 daughter. However, this was several years in discussions and planning. Also knew that there was no way that family was ever likely to move away from this area. Indeed, having my own flat near her is a lot better than it was previously, when I would come to stay with her for long weekends quite often.
However, the move was planned carefully, I look around well beforehand and purchased a flat to move into the same day as I left my house in London. Would not have dreamed of staying for a prolonged period whilst looking around. Think that is the surest way of damaging relationships.

I now (when we are allowed) do stay at my daughters in London, for long weekends. She is very welcoming and has set=up and decorated her spare bedroom to be really nice for me - but I am still a visitor there and cannot imagine actually trying live in her home for any length of time no matter what.

One time, I vaguely mentioned to my youngest daughter that I might consider moving to the seaside town she and her family had just settled into (thought that if I did I would be able to offer some child care assistance) - and received a message from her saying in no uncertain terms that it was a bad idea. Did not feel rejected - just amused and pleased that she felt able to be honest with me.

I moved nearer to my dd and sil but it was fortuitous as I was downsizing and the house suited me. I would not have moved 'just' to be closer to them. Did you discuss your plans with your daughter first or did you make huge assumptions? I certainly wouldnt have sold up and expected to live with them while looking around for a house. I think you had wildly unreasonable expectations. What's done is done. A rented place sounds like a good compromise and won't ruin your relationship with your dd, if you realise you were overstepping her boundaries. Good luck with the house search.

We moved when my husband retired, near to two of our daughters and their families. We found a lovely little market town to live in and made an effort to build new friendships while being supportive to our children and being part of the grandchildren’s lives. Recently I have been unwell and I know they are pleased to be within easy visiting distance - not that they can do much at the moment! - and I’m content that my husband won’t be isolated when I die. It has worked well for us

If your fear of rejection caused you to shy away from discussing the move with your daughter, before selling your house, then I think you need counselling for it.

Did you really expect to move in with your daughter without discussing it with her first?

Moving to be near your kids may well be a good idea, if it's an area you'll be happy in.
Moving right into your daughter's home, without asking her, is a terrible idea.

It is a good idea provided both parties are in agreement - expectations, visits, living arrangements, financial aspects, etc.

In your case, I don't think it is. Your fear of rejection may push this over the edge and damage the relationship you have now.

I was wondering the same as peaseblossom - when you decided to sell your house, were you always planning to move nearer family or did something happen to think you needed to?

Renting sounds a great idea rather than jumping into the market and possibly making a hugely expensive mistake.

I have a great relationship with both my DDs - 25 miles away, so I’m on hand, but not close enough to ‘take over’ their lives. I’ve seen that happen when the older person comes to rely on the young family for company and ‘entertainment’. I’d think carefully, but wish you well.

It works really well if it’s what everyone wants and that definitely includes the in-laws. You’re not just moving closer to your child, you’re moving closer to the person they married and and have made a family with.?

It never works if any one person in that mix of relationships is unhappy with the idea. Did you talk about this with your daughter and her husband before you sold the house?

We wanted to buy a little second home near our daughter to stay weekends etc. She lives in Lancashire countryside its beautiful and good for walking etc. Our daughter had already told us SIL had put his parents off moving closer to them (we didn't get the hint). We started looking at property and our daughter started saying "we will probably move there is no point in you buying property here".
My husband was really quite hurt but we realised our SIL who we get on well with. Obviously does not like the idea for whatever reason. We gave up and decided not to pursue it which is disappointing. I would think long and hard about it if I was you.

Can I just say that it would not have been a good idea when my children were still children.

Now my mother-in-law is 96 (and used to be 4 hours drive away) it does work because we no longer have children to deal with.

She is not on our doorstep and is not relying on us for all her social life (such as it is just now) as she joined several groups and clubs and is already friendly with a number of people.

No I don't think it's a good idea to move nearer DC.
I do not know anyone who has had a happy ending, most of the DC have moved on after a few years leaving their ageing parents sometimes in an area that is not suitable if you no longer drive.
Think long and hard before leaving the area you know.

I agree with midget. My parents moved round the corner from us 6 years after we left their area and it was the best thing they did. They saw my sons grow up and were very supportive of them and my husband and I. When the time came for them to need help we were on hand and as an only child I had a very close relationship with them and became their carer in their last years. They saw their great-granddaughters born too.

Go for it!

My mother-in-law moved to be near us a couple of years ago. It works well for us but we don't have children at home any more.

She took a rental attached to a hotel so she didn't need to bother to cook all the time as she waited for her house to go through. She did stay with us for several weeks too but was happier in the little flat.

I would have been cross if she had just assumed she could come here indefinitely!

Please don't spoil things! Accept her help to find a flat and then look at property in a determined fashion as the conveyance etc will take ages!

Good luck!

I echo Timetogo's thoughts. I used to work in the housing field and this happened time and again. It was quite heartbreaking, so give it a lot of thought.

Would you be happy to stay in your new home if your daughter moved away? Think about what you'd be giving up if you moved - friends, current facilities etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

I don’t think your daughter is rejecting you I think she is being sensible. No doubt she loves you dearly and has no idea you feel rejected, but if you move into a rented flat you will be your own master and will find a lovely new home quicker.

No Annofarabia it isn`t.
Example...my mil moved from the midlands to Cumbria to be less than 2 minutes walk to her daighters house,cut along story short,within 6 years dd moved to London leaving mil at tha age of 70 alone.
Mil moved back to the midlands and sadly died approximately 3 years later.
I believe it was down to the stress of it all.
Don`t feel rejected,have the wisdom of foresight.