Christmas with Family which turned into disaster

I agree with sarah1954 of course we think and say things behind people’s backs to let off steam at times and of course it is not meant to be heard. And the helping is not as simple as it appears if it is not a habit. I realise I did not help my mum when I stayed and she often took over in my house when she stayed...nothing was ever said. It’s rotten for you both that this natural trust has been violated. I hope you can forgive each other because it’s such an important relationship. And we all mess up

Without wishing to be unkind we often reap what we sow in this world.
I think both of you should be having a big think about morals and behaviour towards each other and the rest of society.
The fact that you saw nothing wrong with what you and she did at Xmas in getting together for so long probably means there is nothing wrong with what she has done with the camera. You live in a very different world from me and if you don't play by societies rules don't expect an easy ride.

We have disconnected the device now, it was a Canary camera that you view rooms in your house from an app on your phone, it was intended to be used when we were away from home, we didn`t realise that our daughter still had the app on her phone, they have been disconnected now.

Despite the fact that you and your daughter's family were breaking the Covid rules, as your daughter, guest or not, I would certainly have not expected her to have sat back and have you running around after her as if you were an unpaid servant - unless you had specifically told her you didn't need her help/just stay and rest etc. She could very well have offered help - even little things like setting or clearing the table, wash or dry up or stack the dishwasher, prep the veg etc
This doesn't seem to be the case. I can fully understand that you got annoyed with her and were probably getting stressed as well as really cheesed off with her and can also understand that you had what you thought was a private conversation with your DH -not realising just how sensitive those baby monitors can be.
IMO her reaction was and is an over reaction - even though I have no idea what was said, it was obviously uncomplimentary and also dredged up things from the past things that had annoyed you for years.
She needs to pull up her big girl pants , suck it up , and apologise - even if she turns it around on you and says you should have asked for help!

Honestly.. the OP is asking for advice and everybody here bangs on about lockdown .. obviously there’s a relationship issue which I can definitely identify with and a technical issue that we can probably all identify with .. so now she’s clearly in a situation that she has partly created but didn’t expect these consequences as it was not meant to be overheard .. it’s clearly a cry for help not for admonishment !

Starting a new job is very stressful as is looking after a one year old. Your daughter may have been exhausted, emotional and stressed and may have been just too tired to help. These are very stressful times. I have a friend who fell out with her daughter and has never even met her grandchildren. Don’t let that be you. Yes, your daughter should not have listened to your conversation. You were probably just venting anyway. You have it in your power to sort this out. It may seem unfair but if you leave it you may end up with a lifetime of regret.

Just tell her goodbye ....and oh, you might just mention you have an appointment (albeit online (!) to speak to your solicitor as you and your husband are thinking of changing your Wills in favour of charity ..............don't wait for questions, don't enter into any argument .....what is done is done . You CAN, even if you cut her out, leave something for your grandson as you know his date of birth and address (I can't as when my daughter stopped all connection (no reason ...very odd !) although I found her online, my solicitor told me I cannot leave anything to my grandson (found him online too ...never knew I had one until then !) as I do not know his dob and do not have his mother;s consent ......give it a go !

Support bubbles with a child under one can mix indoors as normal and not just at Christmas.

I woud say there is fault on both sides, she shouldn`t have listened in. You shouldnt have moaned about her behind her back. I would just try and patch it up its not worth losing a daughter and grandchild over. It doesnt matter as much as you think it does right now.

It was a support bubble for under 1s but I think the rule of staying local would trump it and also she would not have been able to mix with another family at all, which if she doesn’t normally live near you would not be likely.

Surely the fact is that you were initially irritated because she wasn't helping.
She has a 1 year old & probably needed a rest!! If my family were coming for Christmas I would have been getting everything organised and squeaky clean beforehand so that we could ALL relax after months of not seeing one another for months.

She was a guest. I do very little when I visit my kids. Usually just potter about with broom and secateurs in the garden.

As for her hearing your private conversations, that's very bad luck. I dread to think what she heard.

Just send some flowers and apologise profusely. Life is too short.......

An eavesdropper never hears any good of themselves, this adege is as old as time.

Well was she eavesdropping ??? Why was this strange device plugged in nearly three months after they d gone back
No one has explained this to me yet, come on pony

I just checked the rules and the bubble is allowed if the child is under one or if you are in a single-parent household the child is under 18.

Ponymoore - unfortunately both yourself an your daughter have shown a disrespect for societal rules and morality and this may be a trend within the family that you don't realise. With the amount of publicity and daily drumming in of the need not to visit family over Christmas except for one day there's no excuse for what either of you did so it's clear that rule breaking is par for the course both for yourself and your daughter. She came with family to stay for two weeks (that was the plan) in total breach of government ruling, and you allowed that, and if she's prepared to put so many people at risk (completely selfish) then I don't understand why you were surprised that she was lazy and failed to help, leaving after a tantrum because you dared to challenge her. As for her installation of the security camera and her spying on you - here's another breach of any moral code. I wonder why you didn't remove the camera when she left? I think you should both talk about the morality of your behaviour because you won't get any apology from her unless she is given some guidance on what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. And if you feel that what I'm saying is harsh I'd ask you to think about the thousands of elderly people who may have had their last Christmas without seeing their loved ones because they were in care homes.

Ponymoore

She had the app installed on her phone whilst down at our house, so when she went home she listened into our conversations without us realising.

That is really unpleasant.

I thought that the bubble rules only applied to single parent families?

It`s a shame when she was eavesdropping she didn`t think moms got a valid point here,i shall start to help after i apologise for being a lazy git.
Sounds like a spoilt brat tbh.

To be honest, it all seems a bit mad and weird !

I’m being really harsh here, but you reap what you sew, if I was having family here for two weeks, irrespective of the time of year, I would negotiate who would do what. We have 5 children between us, none would dream of behaving like this.

Sorry to sound so “judgmental” but I’m pretty disgusted you all chose to break lockdown in this way ! Many of us have made huge sacrifices re COVID, I’ve not seen our 6 year old grandson for over 6 months nor our an, who lives in Bristol, for almost a year, so we can protect each other and our community !

Ponymoore

My daughter, husband and one year old grandson came to stay for Christmas. Initially for two weeks, my daughter didn`t lift a figure to help in the first few days, just after boxing day I had enough and I had a few words to say to her, She grabbed our grandson and said I`m not staying here no more and they went home. She said she was annoyed with me for going on at her. Since she has gone home things have been very strained due to her listening into conversations of my husband and I talking about her (she had been listening into our security camera which she had installed to watch her son in the bedroom). She didn`t like the things that was been said (even though she was invading our privacy). Now she had said she dosen`t want anything more to do with her Mum and Dad because of this and won`t apologise and I was in the wrong for the things we said about her. I feel she shouldn`t have listened in but she won`t apologise. What can I do to as it is most upsetting.

What can you do?
Be more considerate!

I remember when we had a baby monitor we used to be able to pick up the neighbours monitor somehow and it really put me off having it on at all because if we could hear them, they could presumably hear us? I also once heard my husband talking to himself in the bedroom which put me off him aswell

We all gossip about each other we just don't expect the person we are gossiping about to hear. I would not want to know what people say about me that's for sure. Apologise you were heard talking negatively about the daughter you love but whose behaviour you didn't like. If the worse thing she has done is not help around the house and listened in on a conversation then you need to make it up with her. Small things can escalate. Tell her after COVID she is welcome to visit again and that you regret talking badly about her (even if you didn't). Sometimes when we are with out parents we can regress to the old parent and child relationships we once had even when we are grown. It was silly so make up, easy for me to say I know but don't let this fester

Hope you’ve unplugged that device, removed the batteries and sent it back to her.
My god, baby monitors have changed over the years!

I like some of the advice to be direct but this does not always work.l was too direct to one of my daughters she has not spoke or contacted us in over a year.Thank goodness she did not stop us being in contact with our 2 grandchildren.So tread carefully is all l would say!

What is the saying ‘eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves’. However baby monitors have a lot to answer for in many households.
Was she not lifting a finger through exhaustion - perhaps calm listening from both sides and apologies from both sides

All l can say is wow to the thread and the comments.