Christmas with Family which turned into disaster

I doubt if either the recording of private conversations or the listening in to them, although unfortunate, were deliberate acts of spying. I have no idea how these things works but it sounds as though things could easily go wrong and cause trouble between people.

Feelings are hurt on both sides. No amount of explanation, argument or discussion, even with good will on both sides, will change that, but the hurt needn’t be permanent.

My advice would be to try to agree to put it behind you and look forward, not back. I know it’s not easy, but families have to compromise all the time.

One day you might even be able to laugh at the memory of that disastrous Christmas (when you both learned a lot about each other).

We didn't see any of our 4 children over Christmas but if we had them to stay then:

1. They would not be asked to lift a finger because I don't expect guests to work. (Although the always offer anyway.)

2. Anything I say about them (rather than to them) would be worth them listening to as so proud of them all.

Our children are a reflection of us and the upbringing we've given them. Mostly.

Moving forward, tell her you love her and move on...

Lockdown restrictions aside (and this is not to diminish the seriousness of that), there are definitely faults on both sides here. You need to discuss this (on the phone) and hopefully apologise to each other.

Whoever made daft comments about changing your will is riduculous- way off the mark!!

May be let the dust settle for a bit , then when we are allowed to meet up again invite her to meet So that you can both talk calmly about what happened. Perhaps a bit of wrong on both sides and try to get back on track.

What a mess!. Firstly she may be angry with herself for listening into home truths and needs time to calm down. AND once she heard her parents talking she should have stopped listening, its disgraceful to continue listening. She needs to grow up, how would she like it if you did the same thing to her and she probably moans about you too. Give her time to calm down and grow up, then approach. Families always have disagreements but stand the time. Good luck xxxx

Having 2 Daughters i can see both sides. I do hope that they will eventually be able to see you and your Husband again soon. Life is too short to fall out with people you love.

BlueBelle

Grannyrose
some people round up children's ages.
In that case the baby s probably nearly 2 ???

Perhaps - we actually don't know.
There's a lot we don't know about this situation. I for one am totally perplexed as to how the daughter could listen in to her parents conversation. And why she would want to baffles me too.

Agree itch everything JayLucy has said.

Grannyrose
some people round up children's ages.
In that case the baby s probably nearly 2 ???

anok
None of us should give opinions on other’s behaviour without knowing the full story.
Be a totally silent GN then as no one can know hardly anything about any of the problem threads on here we are fed a tiny, bias, one sided snapshot of a story and asked for advice

Someone I know listened to their parents on another continent through one of these devices! The parents were looking after kids while mum and dad on holiday. They were furious. Felt spied upon.

Tempest
I hardly think you can call a family toxic, just because they have a little moan about each other at times.

Maybe it’s good to air problems sometimes, but I think that more often it’s a case of least said, soonest mended.

Iam64... Waves at grandma batty & bluebell... What?????

She is probably enormously hurt by the home truths She will have heard by eves dropping.
But she wasn’t eavesdropping emily they must have left the thing whatever it is plugged in She wasnt standing with her ear to the door she was in her own home after the visit !!!

Healthy families talk to each other face to face. Toxic families talk about everyone behind their backs. If you cannot talk to your daughter face to face about any issues there is something going on that is not right. As a mother I try very hard not to criticise the younger generation especially at the moment. The stresses they are facing are enormous. New baby, new job, moving house and a mother who bad mouths me behind my back. You are the parent reach out to her. You apologise and hope she accepts and includes you in the group of people she trusts and believes are looking out for her in every possible way.

If my daughter or daughter in law came for a fortnight at Christmas or any other time of the year and didn't ever get off her backside to help, I would have said a few choice words too.

I really want to know why DH and SiL weren't asked or expected to help out.

Is it only me that is wondering?

I don’t think it necessarily follows that if she moans about her daughter, it means she doesn’t like her.

We have one of our daughters and three children living with us at the moment, I quite often have a moan to my husband about their messiness, untidiness etc, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them all dearly.

BlueBelle

grannyrose the child in this story wasn’t under 1 year old it was a 1 year old

Some people round up children's ages.

Petty not pretty, but I guess you worked that out!

I totally agree that the possibility of a job and the inevitable house move that would go with it are irrelevant, the law said one day, no stop overs over the xmas period, therefore you were all breaking the law!

That aside because it's been done now, most mums of young babies/children these days regularly have baby monitors to listen for them crying but if your daughter wanted to bring this into your home she should have asked permission and explained what it was for and where it would be put.

As far as the fact that she may have initially 'overheard' you complaining to your husband about her being idle and not helping whilst a guest/family member in your home goes, she should have made you aware of the fact that she could hear what you were saying because yes, it was a private conversation, but truthfully, if anyone 'accidentally overheard' a similar conversation, who wouldn't try to find out exactly what was being said about them? I would also say that rather than moaning to your husband, this is your daughter and you should have spoken to her about it and said that whilst she and her family are in your home there are expectations of help with cooking, washing up etc.

I disagree with the person who very early in this thread said that you clearly don't like your daughter because you were moaning about her. I know that 'sometimes' we might not 'like' things our loved ones say or do but that doesn't mean we don't still love them!

I think she's taken the hump about being expected to help but without being asked/told, she doesn't like the fact that you moaned to your husband, then her attitude after listening in to the conversation and being called out on it, is in my opinion, downright childish, she needs to wind her neck in and grow up, she's now a mum herself and there's no excuse for this pretty behaviour!

The OP was asking for some advice, not a lecture on Covid regulations from a lot of holier than thou posters.

I think it quite understandable that a Mum would expect her family to help out at Christmas. It can be a very exhausting time. Someone staying for two weeks should certainly muck in.

I hope all this unpleasantness blows over Ponymoore. Most families have their ups and downs, though I do think it quite wrong of your daughter to listen in to your conversations.

I think that it was a bit unreasonable to expect help in the first few days she was with you, mums with babies waking up through the night are tired, maybe stressed if your house is not baby proof, maybe it would have been good to wait a few days and then ask for a bit of help, from both of them, why wouldn't you expect sil to help, why criticise her not her husband. I'd be upset too that I was expected to help instead of him.
It's rather odd to think that she would have been listening to 2 months of probably rather boring conversations in the hope of hearing something of interest, just as unlikely as believing that Bill Gates is listening to your boring everyday conversations
But it is sad that after 2 months you were saying derogatory things about her, instead of saying that you were sad for what had happened

The only bad thing in this story is that she left before you could boot her out for spying on you. At this point I am actually wondering why she set up the camera. Just to keep things in perspective: people.com/human-interest/calif-school-board-resigns-after-video-mocking-parents/

What matters most to you? I suggest in the end what really matters to you is your relationship with your daugher and family. The risk is, if you care more about being right and your daughter being wrong, then you may be on a path to a family rift and more on going pain. Its very hard for you and I see how much you are suffering now - but I hope you can find a way to move on, without feeling that blame has to be allocated. There is a saying "Would you rather be right or happy?" In the end 'being right' doesn't always lead to the happiest outcome. I hope you find a way ahead which leads to reconciliation. I wish you well.