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Advice needed please

(20 Posts)
Hellsbelles Fri 26-Feb-21 16:57:20

It was my daughters decision to estrange from me 22 years ago when my husband and I divorced. He encouraged my children to take sides. My elder dc would not play that game but my younger daughter took the side of her father and as a teenager decided to live with him.
He then discouraged her from wanting me in her life etc . Over the years I have tried many times to re connect with her , sadly to no avail.
I have throughout those 22 years sent every birthday and Christmas card money ( which is always accepted / cheques cashed etc )
She married and went on to have her own children ( which I also send birthday cards to inspite of never meeting )
I've wrote letters asking her to meet , told her I love her, everything in my power to rekindle some form on communication .
But now , I think that after 22 years I've given up and have resigned myself that I need to stop trying and also stop the card sending .
Can I ask what you lovely ladies / gents would do ?

M0nica Fri 26-Feb-21 17:07:00

Do not stop the card sending, but stop everything else. It is just possible that if you stop everything but that, you can keep some contact and that gradually, if left otherwise uncontacted, she just may decide eventually to contact you.

But is is all 'possibles' and 'maybes'. You may have closed the door on her, but you haven't locked it.

MissAdventure Fri 26-Feb-21 17:09:01

I would stop the money, but still send the cards.

Chestnut Fri 26-Feb-21 17:20:56

I agree, just send the cards. You can always include a little note to say you will be happy if she makes contact.

crazyH Fri 26-Feb-21 17:22:10

Please continue to send the Cards (not money) ....there’s always the hope that one day she will respond. I think your ex-husband is very mean spirited. He is doing more harm than good. Immediately following my divorce, my children (especially my sons) didn’t want to meet with my exhusband and his new wife. I don’t intend to take any credit, but I kept telling them he was their Dad after all and a very generous Dad too. Eventually, they started seeing him but not as often as he would like, but at least there is some sort of relationship.
Hope one day you will be reconciled with your daughter.

silverlining48 Fri 26-Feb-21 17:46:41

Agree with the above grans to send cards but not money. Is your daughter in touch with her siblings? Have they tried to help sort this out? 22 years is a long time, i am sorry. flowers.

keepingquiet Fri 26-Feb-21 17:59:45

Hellesbelles I am so sorry that this estrangement has gone on so long.
If you are sending her cards etc you must know where she lives. I'm thinking you must have some relatives/friends who keep in touch with her?
I would be very tempted to stop even the card sending. I certainly wouldn't send money but I certainly understand why you have done so.
Sometimes changing your behaviour prompts others to change theirs.
It may be worth a try.

BlueBelle Fri 26-Feb-21 18:02:56

Oh do keep the door ajar with the cards
I hope maybe one day things will change for you it is so very sad 💐

Vickysponge Fri 26-Feb-21 18:08:51

Yes, I agree with above comments. I would stop sending money but would continue with cards. She may contact you in the future if you keep this contact open. If not, you have tried. It’s unbelievable that your ex Husband has encouraged this kind of behaviour. 💐

Hellsbelles Fri 26-Feb-21 18:16:21

Yes she is not estranged from her sibling . I've never expected my other adult child to intervene as I would not want it to come between them or sour any relationship they and their families have. My other child does keep me in the loop about any major happening in my daughters life i.e marriage , being pregnant or illness etc and for that I'm grateful .

Urmstongran Fri 26-Feb-21 18:21:58

If I hadn’t seen my mum since I’d been a teenager I would be ashamed of myself in accepting money from her for 22 years. Wow. No thank you. - just cashed the cheques right? Kerching.

keepingquiet Fri 26-Feb-21 18:24:21

That seems a lot of pressure on the sibling and can understand why you wouldn't want her to intervene.
I would back off altogether but tell your other child what you are doing, unless you feel she/he would distance themselves from you too.
It is so difficult but I'm going against the grain here and say break off what contact you have. It may bring a change when nothing else you've tried has.

Urmstongran Fri 26-Feb-21 18:48:31

She must think you did something really awful. She cashes the money for herself and your grandchildren because she thinks you owe it to her (them). She is happy to make you pay for her hurt feelings it seems.

Enough now I would be thinking. Debt paid.

eazybee Fri 26-Feb-21 18:55:19

I feel you are ready to break of contact altogether and you are right. 22 years is a long time and I am assuming she is in her mid thirties, having gone through life-changing marriage and with children of her own, yet still refusing to see you.
I would send a last card saying simply you can see no point in maintaining contact and you won't contact her again.
She is being unnecessarily cruel, in my opinion.

eazybee Fri 26-Feb-21 18:55:50


sodapop Fri 26-Feb-21 19:12:39

I agree with everyone else Hellsbelles your daughter did not feel strongly enough to refuse your money so time to call a halt now and leave the ball in her court. Continue with the cards so the door is open.

M0nica Fri 26-Feb-21 20:32:25

Don't be tempted to send a message on the cards, just send the cards.

As she is in contact with her sister, she must know that you are kept up to date with her news, and she will know what is happening in your life. So, difficult though it may be, just stick to cards and a greeting.

Tea3 Fri 26-Feb-21 21:34:10

Twenty two years! Call it a day, you’ve done your best.

Sara1954 Fri 26-Feb-21 21:43:35

I think after 22 years it’s time to call it a day.

What sort of person accepts cheques and money from someone she won’t give the time of day to? and what is she telling her children? Where do they think these gifts come from?

She may have her reasons, they may be valid reasons as far as she’s concerned, but she definitely shouldn’t be accepting anything from you.

Hellsbelles Fri 26-Feb-21 22:45:03

Thanks for all your input , I appreciate all opinions . Tbh I have toyed with the idea to stop the cards etc for awhile to see if it has a reaction . Since Christmas I have also stopped asking my other child about her wellbeing as often as I feel for my own mental health , dangling for a carrot to be thrown my way and waiting all these years has taken it's toll.
Thanks again.