Funny little colloquial phrases

Piffy in a balm cake is still going strong in this house.

Cloth between the ears, that one! said of those who don't bother to think.

Why keep a dog and bark yourself? said of those who unnecessarily were doing something others could do better, or were boasting.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Me teeth fair leapt off t’dresser (I was very surprised).

When we used to ask what things were, or what was for tea, for example, my Lancashire granny used to say “Layovers for meddlers”.

Sitting like Patience on a monument - fairly self explanatory.

Yer arse is making buttons - said to someone who is fidgetting.

'Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs!'was one of my Grandmother's when something surprised her. And 'I'll give her/him bell tinker!' was another if anyone needed a telling off. My American granny used to say: 'Your pa's got his kettle on for you!' if one of us kids made Dada angry.

As much use as a chocolate teapot? Stop acting like a wet lettuce?

“Mouth in gear, brain in neutral”, something said and instantly regretted.

Who replaced you when you left the village? Meaning you were the village idiot. Not PC I'm sure.

"Back to auld claes & Purridge". back to normality after a special event!

My Dad , when seeing someone , who in his opinion was inappropriately dressed - "the things you see when you haven't a gun"
and my dear very Wiltshire Granny when asked what we would be having for dinner - " chair legs and mangle handles". Just writing that brings her lovely, tiny and very busy little person to mind. I can always remember her, just before she died, looking towards the end of her bed saying - I'm coming now Jack' ( my Grandad who died a number of years before her).

Squaring the circle was a political favourite during Brexit!

CathyNSW. I just got it. ???

When my Mum was surprised, "I'll go to sea!".
Sawney Apeth - daft.
From an ex colleague who was from Yorkshire, if something smelt or tasted bad, it was "Gopping".
LauraNorder love yours☺️

Youth is wasted on the young!

"Going round by Aunt Fanny's" -going the long way round
"Put wood int'oil" -shut the door
"What a dipstick"- what an idiot
and one from my Aussie FiL "Since Adam was a pup" ! but then he used to call eggs "cackleberries"!

A saying I love is one I heard on Neighbours a while back (so it may be just Aussie.) An ugly person had "a face like a smashed crab."

My father describing a dodgy business man " he's as bent as a nine bob note".

My favourite is "about as useful as t---s on a nun"

New girl here, and an Aussie lol

My mum used to say ‘up & down like a brides nightie’

And another I’ve heard ‘does the carpet match the curtains?’ Usually said about blondes, years ago lol

Do the little yellow lights frighten you then? To a driver who doesn't bother to signal.

The poke in the eye one was slightly different in my Leicestershire grandparents speech it was ‘A slap across the belly with a wet fish’
My grandad and uncle always used to be ‘going to see a man about a dog’ when they went to the pub for a drink
When a storm is brewing with dark skies my Nan would say
‘It’s looking dark over Wills wife’s mother’s ‘
My grandson never quite got me when I told him to ‘hold his horses’ as he was rushing ahead of me

Ro60 it is an anglicisation of the French phrase 'Ca ne fait rien' (C pronounced 'ss' not 'k'), which means, as you say, 'it doesn't matter.

Its use in English dates back to WW1, brought home by soldiers fighting there.

I love the Geordie 'San fairy Anne' I think it means 'it doesn't matter' - but please correct spelling & interpretation. I often wonder about the origins?

Another Leicestershire one: manky for something that is dirty or mucky.

My grandmother had loads :

'hangs around like a smell on a landing',

'couldn't stop a pig in a ginnel' (bandy legged)

'they don't spoil two houses' (a couple who are as bad as each other)

'skin a flea and sell it a vest' (a skinflint)

My mum when you asked what’s for dinner:

‘A run round the table and a kick at the cat’

Also ‘If you go any faster you’ll meet yourself coming backwards’