It's better to be kind than right - is it?

I agree Suziewoozie. Even as I typed my previous comment I thought, this is a general rule. It won't always be appropriate.

nadateturbe

If being right entails being unkind and causing pain, then its better to be kind.

I’m still struggling with concrete examples other than dealing with people with dementia and advice to friends re clothes and hair. I still think in many situations it’s not either/or but how you do it and the intention behind the act .

If being right entails being unkind and causing pain, then its better to be kind.

The best advice a friend ever gave me was very very cross advice, it certainly wasnt kind. She was right. I ignored it obviously

I think it also depends what n the friend and whether you’re buying or advising. When I went shopping for my MoB outfit I took my most brutally honest friend - there was another I wouldn’t have dreamed of taking because she’s far too nice ?

I think there are very few instances when you can say something is kind or not. It depends on context, the individual etc.

I agree suzie. Friends’ honest comments can be very valuable in a positive way too.
For many years I’ve met two friends in York once or twice a year for morning tea at Betty’s followed by shopping followed by lunch.
They helped me buy all my mother-of-the-bride/groom outfits & on one memorable occasion they spotted a red suit & said it would suit me - I had seen it but thought I’d never dare wear it. Tried it on & subsequently wore it on numerous occasions!

In the case of people living with dementia then yes of course it's kinder not to correct things which will only be upsetting.
In other cases I think one should be honest but tactful. If I asked a friend for her opinion on whether or not clothing suited me I would want her to be honest. In answer to your question janeainsworth yes I think you should be honest e,g. that hair colour is ok but I preferred it when you had red streaks.

janeainsworth

Then there are those ‘does my bum look big in this?’ type questions.
Is it kind or not to tell your friend what your really think of their new hair colour or the new dress?

Even here, context is everything. If I’m clothes shopping with a friend I’d steer her away from certain items if she asked my opinion. If she’d already bought it, I’d be kind and say it looked nice. I just think adages like this are not really all that straightforward

What exactly did she mean?
If it was that it’s better to go along with what someone with dementia says, than correcting them or insisting that e.g., No, they didn’t have tea with their mum yesterday - she died over 30 years ago, then I agree with her absolutely.

I’ve known of carers for people with dementia who piously insist that they couldn’t possibly lie to them, even if the truth is only going to upset them, maybe very badly, and it will serve no purpose whatsoever.

Then there are those ‘does my bum look big in this?’ type questions.
Is it kind or not to tell your friend what your really think of their new hair colour or the new dress?

Esspee

I would guess that was said about correcting the person with dementia.
For example if they say the need to go to get their late husbands tea ready it is kinder to just go along with this rather than try to get them to realise that their husband is dead.

I remember someone saying to me how could you make someone with dementia live every day the repeated grief of hearing of the death of their beloved partner. With my MiL when she had to go into care, she would sometimes ask when she was going home and we’d just say soon, when you’re better. And she’d then just settle again.
As for a basic tenet however in many aspects of life I’m not sure kind and right and frequently viable alternatives - it’s about how you do it isn’t if.

The question is basically should you support someone in their misapprehensions or delusions.
The answer is how much harm it would do them to enlighten them vs how much harm they might suffer if they weren’t told the truth.
In the case of someone with dementia, clearly it would upset them to insist in the truth (eg that their partner was dead).
But in other situations it could benefit a person to be told the truth - for example, someone might be about to make a very unwise investment and would clearly benefit from being told that they could probably lose money long term.

With dementia you can enter into their own reality which might be totally wrong and untrue but necessary to be kind. It is not always kind to correct their beliefs.

In the context of dementia yes far better to be kind & let the details of a conversation pass.
In everyday life I think it's still important. A phrase I remember from work days:
'It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice'

Pick your battles is another phrase that comes to.mind.
I might be wrong ?

It is not right when dealing with others. You have to draw the line between politeness and lying.

It's impossible to say. What does it mean. Your kind might be my cruel and vice versa. Who gets to decide.

I would guess that was said about correcting the person with dementia.
For example if they say the need to go to get their late husbands tea ready it is kinder to just go along with this rather than try to get them to realise that their husband is dead.

I agree Kim. Kindness is essential in life, being right is necessary when tosh is being peddled, like the CV19 vaccine affects your fertility.

I try to always be kind and hope that I am. Until I’m pushed too far.... which thankfully is very rare. Even then I hope I respond as kindly as possible. I very seldom lose my temper. But I’m no pushover. I can be firm when necessary.

Think being right might be okay for the mind but I believe kindness is good for the soul so I'll settle for a little bit of both privately.

That would very much depend on the circumstances. If you had witnessed a despicable act it might be kind to the perpetrator if you lie about it, but it certainly wouldn’t be right.

I hope I am kind in most situations but some people really don't deserve kindness.

I think it depends what the cost of the kindness is and who can afford to bear it. I would always err towards kindness, but not at any price and never to cruelty.