Are you okay? Are you really okay?

madeleine45

I am struggling at the moment. Being the eldest in my family it was seen as my role to b e there for younger siblings and also as I was reasonably bright it was assumed I could cope with anything and work it out for myself. The one thing is that people do see my situation at the moment as difficult but no one can help me much. Due to cancer, and back problems I reluctantly decided that I need to leave my home of 20 years and get a ground floor flat. Practically speaking it does make sense of course. I have done 10 years as a hospital volunteer driver and have seen so many people put off moving and ending up having to go where someone else made the decisions as they were not well enough to choose for themselves. Locus of control is very important to me, so as I say it does make practical sense as I live high up on a hill and can get snowed in etc. But, what has been important to me is my beloved garden on three levels, which has given me solace and peace and quiet etc. My lovely husband died 4 years ago and somehow the thought of going to live somewhere which he has not been part of , is difficult for me. I will be downsizing in a big way and I dont care about furniture things but cannot take my piano, and have had a piano since I was a small girl, have to get rid of so many of my precious books. I have always passed things on and given to charities and had rung Barnardos and they were going to take quite a lot I had ready about 15 boxes of a wide range, music , art, biographies and fiction etc. Then covid stopped all this . So, I am trying to do all this on my own, have been shielding and so am here by myself and now if I was able to I would have wanted to get a couple of lads to move stuff around so that I could be in charge but be able to get someone to do the lifting, but I cant have anyone in here. My grandson aged 5 is ill and having to go to Alder Hey for scans etc. I havent seen him for more than 6 months and am very worried about him and therefore also try not to ask my son for help . It is getting totally overwhelming. My buyer has sold her property and is waiting to get in here . She is being very nice but I just feel under so much pressure and now being on my own cant get family or friends to check over documents . So the only good thing is that when I get into panic states and wake up at 4 am which I keep doing,; I can at least say to myself , well you do have good reason to be like this. Dont they say death divorce and moving house are the most difficult and depressing things. ? I am following all the rules and understand why I cant have any help but sometimes I just want to either just open the door walk out and not come back and just go I dont know where.It is not realistic thing to do but its just how the pressure makes me feel about things. There are lots of things I am not sure about with the internet, am very aware of scams etc and so probably dont take advantage as much as I could and dont know how to do Zoom etc which would probably help. It looks as though I will be moving some time in April so the stress is getting worse as the time goes but, but I have actually got to that stage where I just want it to be over, so am in a more fatalistic attitude about it. The new place is going to be ok I think for my needs but Oh, they have maintained gardens = which I would call parks and gardens type, not a real garden and wont have my own place and cannot think how hard that is going to be. When I cant sleep once it is daylight here , I dress and walk round my garden with secateurs and bag for the rubbish. It is very calming and stops a lot of the negative thoughts and you tidy up borders and see new flowers opening etc. A great stress breaking thig to do. Result is garden looks tidier, you have been quiet and not disturbed other people around you and often see lots of birds and other wildlife etc. So for me it is not just the actual move but all these other things too. I have already looked up and found that there is a community garden which I might be able to do some work in . But covid has taken so much that is important to me. Was a professional singer and belonged to a choir, so all this time now , no singing, no swimming, cant walk far and swimming helped my back, no meeting up with friends or having coffee etc. I understand it is difficult for everyone but right now I just wish someone could come here and put their arms round me and tell me it was going to be alright. When in the middle of the night I get scared that maybe I wont like it there or the neighbours wont be nice etc. I have no reason to think that in reality but we are not talking about reality , it is about how I feel. The cancer is easier to deal with in a way, because I know what I have to do, and it is sort of mapped out for me , what treatment I need to do etc etc. The actual moving is unknown territory and although I have lived abroad and moved 19 times in my life, I was younger and moving with family and when my husband was alive , we could talk things over and decide between ourselves. This dreadful Covid situation has added so much more difficulty for me , there are times I want to just pull the bedclothes over my head and say I am not going, but I do understand I have to keep going. Well sorry I have been moaning away but I think you can see why I am not in a good place at the moment, and we have another week to wait for the results of my grandsons scan. I have a rather cringing motto but it does seem to be true for my life. It goes "cheer up they said, things could be worse. So I cheered up and they were!!" Well at least I have been able to write it all down and so hopefully I will be able to go to bed and get to sleep !

???

I am struggling at the moment. Being the eldest in my family it was seen as my role to b e there for younger siblings and also as I was reasonably bright it was assumed I could cope with anything and work it out for myself. The one thing is that people do see my situation at the moment as difficult but no one can help me much. Due to cancer, and back problems I reluctantly decided that I need to leave my home of 20 years and get a ground floor flat. Practically speaking it does make sense of course. I have done 10 years as a hospital volunteer driver and have seen so many people put off moving and ending up having to go where someone else made the decisions as they were not well enough to choose for themselves. Locus of control is very important to me, so as I say it does make practical sense as I live high up on a hill and can get snowed in etc. But, what has been important to me is my beloved garden on three levels, which has given me solace and peace and quiet etc. My lovely husband died 4 years ago and somehow the thought of going to live somewhere which he has not been part of , is difficult for me. I will be downsizing in a big way and I dont care about furniture things but cannot take my piano, and have had a piano since I was a small girl, have to get rid of so many of my precious books. I have always passed things on and given to charities and had rung Barnardos and they were going to take quite a lot I had ready about 15 boxes of a wide range, music , art, biographies and fiction etc. Then covid stopped all this . So, I am trying to do all this on my own, have been shielding and so am here by myself and now if I was able to I would have wanted to get a couple of lads to move stuff around so that I could be in charge but be able to get someone to do the lifting, but I cant have anyone in here. My grandson aged 5 is ill and having to go to Alder Hey for scans etc. I havent seen him for more than 6 months and am very worried about him and therefore also try not to ask my son for help . It is getting totally overwhelming. My buyer has sold her property and is waiting to get in here . She is being very nice but I just feel under so much pressure and now being on my own cant get family or friends to check over documents . So the only good thing is that when I get into panic states and wake up at 4 am which I keep doing,; I can at least say to myself , well you do have good reason to be like this. Dont they say death divorce and moving house are the most difficult and depressing things. ? I am following all the rules and understand why I cant have any help but sometimes I just want to either just open the door walk out and not come back and just go I dont know where.It is not realistic thing to do but its just how the pressure makes me feel about things. There are lots of things I am not sure about with the internet, am very aware of scams etc and so probably dont take advantage as much as I could and dont know how to do Zoom etc which would probably help. It looks as though I will be moving some time in April so the stress is getting worse as the time goes but, but I have actually got to that stage where I just want it to be over, so am in a more fatalistic attitude about it. The new place is going to be ok I think for my needs but Oh, they have maintained gardens = which I would call parks and gardens type, not a real garden and wont have my own place and cannot think how hard that is going to be. When I cant sleep once it is daylight here , I dress and walk round my garden with secateurs and bag for the rubbish. It is very calming and stops a lot of the negative thoughts and you tidy up borders and see new flowers opening etc. A great stress breaking thig to do. Result is garden looks tidier, you have been quiet and not disturbed other people around you and often see lots of birds and other wildlife etc. So for me it is not just the actual move but all these other things too. I have already looked up and found that there is a community garden which I might be able to do some work in . But covid has taken so much that is important to me. Was a professional singer and belonged to a choir, so all this time now , no singing, no swimming, cant walk far and swimming helped my back, no meeting up with friends or having coffee etc. I understand it is difficult for everyone but right now I just wish someone could come here and put their arms round me and tell me it was going to be alright. When in the middle of the night I get scared that maybe I wont like it there or the neighbours wont be nice etc. I have no reason to think that in reality but we are not talking about reality , it is about how I feel. The cancer is easier to deal with in a way, because I know what I have to do, and it is sort of mapped out for me , what treatment I need to do etc etc. The actual moving is unknown territory and although I have lived abroad and moved 19 times in my life, I was younger and moving with family and when my husband was alive , we could talk things over and decide between ourselves. This dreadful Covid situation has added so much more difficulty for me , there are times I want to just pull the bedclothes over my head and say I am not going, but I do understand I have to keep going. Well sorry I have been moaning away but I think you can see why I am not in a good place at the moment, and we have another week to wait for the results of my grandsons scan. I have a rather cringing motto but it does seem to be true for my life. It goes "cheer up they said, things could be worse. So I cheered up and they were!!" Well at least I have been able to write it all down and so hopefully I will be able to go to bed and get to sleep !

Libbyann, my heart goes out to you and your family. I have a friend who lost a son the same way. The words you have written, as though from Stephen, are so touching.

Thank you libbyann I feel that is what my darling daughter would say to me

Jax ?

to all you lovely ladies.
I am humbled and in awe of all your posts.
Take care of yourselves x

18 years ago a doctor made a mistake treating my husband and left him brain dead, i had to switch of the machine as it was what he wanted when we had talked about, we could not have the funeral for 3 weeks and i was getting along okay. i woke up one day so angry that i was still alive, i wanted to end my life to be with him, pills and talking did not help, i would gather pills but could not take them....i am not religious but i remember my gran saying that if you took your own life you don't go to the same place as everyone else because you need to get better first. i had lot's of days when i was not okay, but nobody knew, my depression still causes bad days but something always stops me. the sad thing is when people get that low nobody knows as they put a smile on and say ...yes i am fine

Thank you grannyactivist for starting this thread and to everyone else who has shared their moving experiences too.

For a long time I’ve felt that “How are you?” is an absolute minefield. I often dread being asked it because I neither want to lie nor to tell the socially inconvenient truth.

Is it time that we introduced a different greeting? Something similar to the old “How d’you do” which didn’t require an answer, just a repetition? That would free us up to only ask how someone is when we’re actually interested in their response, and able/willing to engage with it.

to everyone bearing such very heavy burdens.

Reading your post Jaxjacky and the part about driving your car brought back a turning point for me in my marriage. I took my car out one very foggy night, drove up onto the near by Derbyshire moors and ended up not knowing where I was. After the tears and shaking stopped, I did find my way back and the next day rang the doctor.

When I left my ex, I went to stay with my parents for a short while. My dad said he had been concerned about me for some time but had not wanted to interfere. I loved my dad so much and it made me decide to always talk openly with my two children and encourage them to be the same with me and they are.

Thank you so much to all you very brave people who have opened up about feeling ‘not okay’ and to all the lovely supportive people on GN who have responded with such deep compassion and kindness.

I’m so sorry I can’t respond to each of you, but I have read every post now and I’m glad that my OP was felt to be timely and that it resulted in such a positive thread. Sometimes all we need is the opportunity to just be honest for a moment and let our barriers down, to acknowledge that life is not okay all of the time. Most of us are not thinking of suicide, but this thread highlights how much we need to be heard when we’re in low spirits, emotional or depressed. To those who are, or have been, in that dark place I hope you’re encouraged by the concern shown on here and that it may prompt you to reach out to friends, family or maybe a trusted GP.

I finished my working day at 6.15pm with a phone call from somebody who has severe and enduring mental health problems and who said they were feeling suicidal. So now I’m going to take my own advice and try to let go of the anxiety I feel by talking it through with my lovely husband and then getting an early night.

Five years ago gone 10th November, my family's world fell apart, we lost our precious son, Stephen to an odious illness named Suicide. The following words are what we feel he would say if only he could.???
Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn
It wasn't my intention to go before the dawn.
My pain was deep within my heart and also my troubled head
It wasn't my intention to go with words unsaid.
My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say
It wasn't my intention not to see another day.
I didn't mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain
It wasn't my intention to never see you all again.
Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure
It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door
If only I could give you reasons and brush the tears away
It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.
I didn't mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry
It wasn't my intention to leave you, forever asking why?
As the burdens of life's worries slowly ebbed from my heart
It wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart.

Thank you for starting the thread grannyactivist.

I sought help about 25 years ago whilst in an emotional abusive marriage and I've also had CBT two years ago to help me through a serious injury.

There are many days when I say and behave like I'm OK. Putting on a brave face my dad would say. There are many days and nights when I fight back the tears but many when I let them go whilst alone because I'm on the edge of not coping.

However, there are times when I have replied "I'm not OK" but this is only when I know the person will encourage me open up and listens. My daily diary is that person sometimes.

Happiness wishes for everyone

I’ve started reading this twice today, now read all the way through. It started really with the first lockdown, my initial thought was ‘good, nobody else can go out now, so they’re like me’ I’d started being anxious about going out a little while before and I didn’t think it was odd to think that. I got worse, just sat in my chair, didn’t drive anywhere, everything was hard, cooking a meal, even having a shower or bath - I did these things but I had to build up to it. To précis when I woke up one morning thinking about driving my car into a bridge I contacted my GP. She rang and listened whist I bawled my eyes out, my husband was with me, we were out for a walk, I would only go if he was with me. She was brilliant, prescribed a beta blocker for the anxiety, but just talking to her was a first step. My husband knew there was something wrong, but was floundering with what to do. I enrolled in a course of CBT (zoom) with a lovely counsellor over three months, privately funded. Very slowly I’ve improved, I still have the odd hour here and then, I take the pills as and when and looking back that very dark place still horrifies me. My husband, who has been so supportive, the couple of friends I have told, an understanding GP and my own effort has got me here. I still have health anxiety, maybe I always will, I still check my pulse 20 times a day (my OCD remnant) but 10 months later I’m hugely better. As a successful career woman, mother, grandma, friend and wife I had breezed through life with little understand or regard of mental health. I’ve learnt, I hope I’m a better listener, I hope I ask are you ok until I’m sure.
Phew, that was tough telling you.

How lovely if there are people who care if you're really ok. There is no one in my life who cares, not even close family whom l have supported countless times. But the very occasional time that I have had to confide in an NHS professional has been helpful, thank goodness. I would prefer some actual love from family and friends to professionalism though. I just wonder if I'm living in a parallel universe! I am definitely not ok but I have learned that it doesn't matter and I must keep on buggering on. So I do. Whinge over and best wishes to you all.

Urmstongran, a good GP. I hope after this pandemic settles a bit, we can one again have family doctors like that

This thread brought an old episode to the surface. My small tale demonstrates how wonderful it is to have a caring GP.

Our first daughter was only 6 weeks old when my father died from cancer. I think, looking back, I was so busy with a baby that a few months later, my grief bubbled to the surface with an added degree of post natal depression. I took myself off to the doctor.

I sat and waited my turn in the waiting room until I was called. I sat in front of the doctor and when I started to explain how I was feeling, I started to cry.

I got a hold of myself and said it wasn’t fair of me to be taking up so much time with a waiting room full of patients across the corridor.

He said it was what he was here for. He leaned forward, took his phone off the hook and put it down on the desk, leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head, actually put his feet up on the desk and said ‘right - now then, tell me all about it’ ...

I’ve never forgotten his kindness that evening surgery.

Many people suffer from hidden anxiety, guilt, remorse, and depression because these harm self esteem. Low self esteem makes it hard to confide. I find the repetition of certain affirmations helps. Here is quite a good list of affirmations that may include one or two that can help you.

I deserve to be happy and successful.
I am worthy of happiness and love.
I love, respect, and believe in myself.
I am a unique and special person.
I deserve all that is good.
I am learning and changing for the better.
I value my opinions and ideas.
I am beautiful.
I approve of myself, right here and now.
I can learn to accept the parts of myself that I don’t like — that is how I grow.

Kate1949 I do know exactly what you mean. My husband has had two strokes and an episode of cascade TIAs . A side effect of this is depression. Unusually he will tell anyone who asks him exactly how he feels and why but you can see them thinking o I didn’t really want to know all that I was just asking how are you ! So I do sympathise with how you feel . He is also good at seeking help by the way he’s on antidepressants and we pay for a brilliant phone counsellor once a week well worth the £30 ! Also I must say the think ahead charity in this area have been brilliant ringing up and checking on him weekly and they send out a newsletter . They’ve also signed him up to do a zoom well-being course on depression for 6 weeks starting in April. Just hope that more people can get similar help .

Dibbydod

Kate1949

Thank you grannyactivist. I too have seen the stuff on TV about asking 'Are you OK' twice. The trouble is, I find, that nobody really wants to know.
I'm not OK much of the time due to traumatic life events but if anyone asks I say I'm fine. Occasionally if I have said that I don't feel good, I have been reminded that I am lucky and that there are people worse off. As if I didn't know that. On my last visit to my GP, I broke down and she couldn't get me out of there quick enough. To most people it's seen as whinging so I keep quiet.
My brother took his own life at a young age so I know the horror of that in the family. I would never go down that road but some days it's hard to get up in the morning. In my experience it's only on TV shows that people are offered real help.
Also, there is the stigma. I want to be OK and not 'one of those people who needs help'. I thought twice about posting this as I worry about making everything about me.

I really understand how you feel Kate1949 , please doesn’t feel that you think this is all about you , because it is not . I know how you feel when you say nobody seems to want to know . I’d gone through a very dark moments when I’d lost my long term parter 18 months ago , looking back I realise I must have been really awful to deal with , but at the time I was rock bottom and couldn’t pull myself out of the hole , my couple best friends had got fed up of me no doubt “ whinging “ and didn’t want to hear anything that I’d said about how I was feeling , even my own daughter had stopped speaking to me as she felt that because her Dad lost his wife previously, and he was doing ok and met someone else , that I should pull myself together and do the same thing , but we all grieve differently. Since then I’ve learnt not to say how I really feel , as , if asked , I always put on a smile and say I’m just fine thanks when inside I could be crying . It’s been a hard lesson to learn that the ones I’d thought were my friends could be so cold hearted when the chips are down . When all said and done I’ve got by with the help of reading the Bible and confiding in the pastor of my local church , something I’ve never done in my entire life , but it has helped me enormously and in the past few months I now at last feel a sense of calm and inner peace .

Bless ?

Kate1949

Thank you grannyactivist. I too have seen the stuff on TV about asking 'Are you OK' twice. The trouble is, I find, that nobody really wants to know.
I'm not OK much of the time due to traumatic life events but if anyone asks I say I'm fine. Occasionally if I have said that I don't feel good, I have been reminded that I am lucky and that there are people worse off. As if I didn't know that. On my last visit to my GP, I broke down and she couldn't get me out of there quick enough. To most people it's seen as whinging so I keep quiet.
My brother took his own life at a young age so I know the horror of that in the family. I would never go down that road but some days it's hard to get up in the morning. In my experience it's only on TV shows that people are offered real help.
Also, there is the stigma. I want to be OK and not 'one of those people who needs help'. I thought twice about posting this as I worry about making everything about me.

I really understand how you feel Kate1949 , please doesn’t feel that you think this is all about you , because it is not . I know how you feel when you say nobody seems to want to know . I’d gone through a very dark moments when I’d lost my long term parter 18 months ago , looking back I realise I must have been really awful to deal with , but at the time I was rock bottom and couldn’t pull myself out of the hole , my couple best friends had got fed up of me no doubt “ whinging “ and didn’t want to hear anything that I’d said about how I was feeling , even my own daughter had stopped speaking to me as she felt that because her Dad lost his wife previously, and he was doing ok and met someone else , that I should pull myself together and do the same thing , but we all grieve differently. Since then I’ve learnt not to say how I really feel , as , if asked , I always put on a smile and say I’m just fine thanks when inside I could be crying . It’s been a hard lesson to learn that the ones I’d thought were my friends could be so cold hearted when the chips are down . When all said and done I’ve got by with the help of reading the Bible and confiding in the pastor of my local church , something I’ve never done in my entire life , but it has helped me enormously and in the past few months I now at last feel a sense of calm and inner peace .

Ellenvanin Hazbeen Thinking of you

Nananana1
I should have been clearer. I wasn’t dismissing the benefits of yoga/meditation/healthy diet. I was irritated by the simplistic, often patronising advice given to those of us who could write the book about managing our complex health problems.
If (in my case) rheumatoid arthritis and several AI conditions could be banished by lifestyle changes, you’d see far less people severely disabled by the disease.
I’ve been fortunate in being referred to an excellent consultant. She was patient, kind and supportive throughout my attempts to manage the conditions with diet etc. She prescribed the drugs that gave me my life back, modify the disease and reduce pain.
It is not a million miles away from the medications that help people manage bi polar, schizophrenia or psychosis, I imagine. Yes expertise, hobbies, meditation all help but they aren’t cures

Just to let everyone sad or depressed out there, you are not alone try and weather the storm as not much else you can do atm sending hugs

Reading this thread has made me think of my late Father. He used to look right in my eyes and ask if I was really ok? At the time, I didn't really know why, but now I do, he looked into my soul, loved me, and I really, really, miss him. So many brave people sharing on here today, GN at its best.

This post flags up just how many people are shouldering huge burdens, showing a brave face, but are suffering badly in truth. The crisis we are all living though has been so, so hard for those who already had more than enough to bear, and there is nothing to say that won't sound trite. I wish I had some clever words, but I send my heartfelt good wishes to those struggling right now.