Are you okay? Are you really okay?

Iam64 with regard to the 'advice' you were given about your ills being cured by diet and yoga:
I too have had plenty of helpful advice given for my assorted pain, depression etc. but while people mean well they can't possibly know what a monumental sized mountain you are trying to hide

HOWEVER saying that I do think we have to be willing to give things a try. I know it seems far fetched but you never know- there might be a little relief, a moment of peace or some respite from the misery that is every day life

I poo-pooed mindfulness for years and tried a few sessions, arguing with myself all the time that it wouldn't work. THEN it started to work. I don't know how or why but I can 'go to my happy place' when I practice and know that when things are wretched I have a tiny oasis of calm where I can feel safe.

The trick here I think, is 'practice'. You don' t get good at something or reap any reward until you practice.
I urge anyone who is struggling with pain, anxiety or depression just to give one minute per day for a week or two just to see what happens

PS Bonus has been I can go to the dentist without panic attacks, had major brain surgery and ongoing MRIs all without tranquillisers and can take some time off being depressed every now and then

We (partner and I) are slowly recovering from Covid and your question really resonated with me. We were both at home throughout and had medical input through NHS111 and track and trace. It was a truly horrendous experience and at one point I really didn’t think we were going to come through it.

It wasn’t just the illness itself either, it was also an ever present fear, because you really don’t know how bad it’s going to get until you turn the corner and the symptoms abate. I’m thankful every day that we’re both still here, as we’re both CEV with serious underlying conditions and things could have been much, much worse. On seeing my GP I reported the symptoms we had had, and she was surprised we had avoided hospitalisation - I now have quite a nasty chest infection set up by the Covid.

What really surprised me is the number of people who have assumed that we only had a ‘mild’ form of the disease and weren’t adversely affected. We both still have horrible side effects, including debilitating fatigue, nausea and joint pain, and some days we really struggle with anxiety. I find that lately, people are asking us ‘are you OK’ without really caring what the answer is, so I don’t attempt to answer truthfully any more - just say ‘yes, fine’, and smile. Sorry for the moan - it just bugs me.

Thinking of you hazbeen

Ellie Anne

Recently I went through a very low spell and had no one to confide in so I emailed the Samaritans. I’m not keen on speaking on the phone. Unfortunately the same person does not always get the email so while some come over as understanding and empathetic others give very short answers so you feel like a nuisance. I stopped writing after I had shared how difficult life was at home and I felt like disappearing and the reply asked if I had any hobbies. So reaching out does not always help.

I agree with you. The only thing they said to was to try mindfulness and go for a walk but when you are terrified to go out the door that is not very helpful.
I’m sure they do a good job and are very helpfu to some people. Made me feel that I was just a bother. Hope you are in a good place today.

Hi, if this is not the right place for this, please say and I will get it deleted.
I have thought hard about posting this.
Last year I went to hospital after taking an overdose. The hospital mental health team came to see me, they rang my husband and just advised him to hide the medication. I had phone chats with a group called talking spaces but they said my case was too complex for them.I went to the local mental health hospital who wrote a report, they got my name wrong, got facts from my childhood wrong and never really didn’t listen to anything I said. Their recommendations were more tablets and to go and chat to the local drug addiction group. ( I don’t/ never have taken drugs ). In the end I had been proscribed 5 tablets a day. The only contact I had with my doctor was over the phone and whenever my husband called them because he was worried they just said, carry on with the tablets.
I refused to take the tablets and 8 months on I feel a little more like facing the world. No one has contacted me about how I am doing, I only got this far because of my husband, 2 amazing sons and 2 friends that refused to give up on me, no matter how much I tried to push them away.
I have spent all my life saying I’m ok because my dad and others around me were going through their own things and I didn’t want to add to them. I’m 51, all my life I have been referred to as the strong one but somedays I wish I could just go and hide until the end.
I know people say talk to someone but I was brought up not to put my problems onto others and 2 of the times I did try, I was letdown and laughed about so now I don’t trust anyone.

Are you ok?
Are you really ok ?
Are great questions but only if you want to hear the real answer.
I’m not after sympathy, I also don’t think I am much help to anyone at the moment other than to say, you are not alone.

Recently I went through a very low spell and had no one to confide in so I emailed the Samaritans. I’m not keen on speaking on the phone. Unfortunately the same person does not always get the email so while some come over as understanding and empathetic others give very short answers so you feel like a nuisance. I stopped writing after I had shared how difficult life was at home and I felt like disappearing and the reply asked if I had any hobbies. So reaching out does not always help.

Thank you poshpaws. I fully intend to see another doctor in due course. I am sorry for what you have suffered. Also HAZBEEN and others. Also to ga for the thread. It is helpful to know we're not alone I think.

Thank you grannyactivist for your OP and to all those who wrote very thoughtful and insightful replies. It is so wonderful that people are paying increasing attention to mental health. An amazing thread.

Gosh - I’ve just read the whole thread in my lunchbreak and now I don’t have time to respond individually.

Thank you firstly for the lovely caring tone everyone on the thread has taken. Your responses are heartening and I hope those people who have said they’re not okay feel heard and validated.

Thank you to those who expressed concerned for my well-being. I am fortunate to be in a position where I get regular support and supervision, which I am now making better use of. My current fragility stems from stretching myself with a heavy caseload while supporting people professionally and personally who are struggling with severe mental illness. Help is on the horizon as I’m interviewing an additional potential caseworker this afternoon; it’s been difficult to recruit people to such a demanding role when the work is unpaid.

My condolences to those who have experienced the suicide of a loved one. I do hope that my OP didn’t come across as trite as I know firsthand that simply asking the question is not enough in many circumstances. I also wrestle with the question of, ‘could I have done more?’, even when I know with some certainty that those with the determination to kill themselves won’t be diverted.

And lastly, yes, I am grateful that my son is a thoughtful, decent human being. He’s not yet thirty, but has a maturity beyond his years. (In truth his siblings are equally caring.)

Now - lunchtime is over and it’s back to the fray! ?

Most of us when asked are you O.K are you really okay will answer yes or at least say I am just getting on with life.
I have been on the dark side of life a few times even felt what is the point of trying anymore yet even then I did not think
the answer would be to take my own life or even make any attempt to do that.
I think that Mental Health can be a grey area and the mind can be so fragile so for some who would not contemplate suicide there will be others that will.
Many years ago I had a neighbour I was only about 30 years old she was about 55 years old. I had children and was not wealthy by any means she had grown up children and a second husband. She worked part-time and yet she had problems she used alcohol to get through the day. I had not lived near her for long so did not know much about her background so for several months I would help her into her house when she had fallen outside and try to sort her out.
Her husband worked and they had a nice home only he was not sympathetic to her issues so he got her referred to mental health people and she attended psychiatric appointments every two weeks and as far as he was concerned that meant she would no longer drink and everything was okay.
Many times she told me she was going to commit suicide,
I had no training in that sort of thing but never the less always listened and told her not to do that. Although I admit
once the drink wore off I thought she would be better.
A few months went by and she was quieter than usual but she was on medication from the hospital so I thought she was okay.
I went out with my children one day and when I returned home at 5.p.m an ambulance was next door. I learnt that during the afternoon when her husband was at work she had got into bed and swallowed enough tablets to overdose and she died.
I believe if someone says they want to leave this world and they are convinced that is there only way out then they will do it.

I have ms and am always in pain,I'm asked often if I'm ok& always fib& say I'm fine when really I'm not.I just hate feeling like I'm a nuisance or a burden.?My BIL took his own life and he was 40.I still think if only we had spotted how he really was feeling or asked .?

Firstly just want to commend your son what a lovely thoughtful man, you clearly did a great job raising him.

Secondly I think by raising issues regarding MH over last few years is a great thing I don’t think the NHS has the resources to cope with all the people that now ask for help and clearly many slip through the cracks. Last year I went to my GP to ask for help, all I got was a card with a number on to contact unfortunately I haven’t contacted them because I feel I’m wasting their valuable time. I’m ok just had to learn to cope, as many have over last year. I have never had a follow up from my doctor to check how I’m doing though.

HAZBEEN this post must have taken so much courage on your part. I am in tears reading it.
It has brought back many sad memories for me. I hope you continue to make progress, even if only in small steps.
You have my upmost admiration and my very best wishes and prayers. ?

I tell my dtr I'm ok when sometimes I'm not but she has her own family to deal with. H has Lewy Body Dementia and I'm his full time carer and sometimes it's hard when I don't feel great myself. However if I pass on my feelings to her then she's worried about me lol so I just say I'm fine however I feel, but sometimes you think there's nobody around who understands or who wants to listen.

I feel guilty about sometimes not feeling OK because there are so many people worse off than me. I have my husband living with me so not alone, we're not affected by job losses, but have been affected by COVID, I haven't seen my daughter for 15 months nor my new grandchild (she is now 10 months old) and this is affecting me very badly. I also feel very bad for those who have lost their jobs/homes/family members. When will it end!

Thank you grannyactivist for your post. I haven't posted for a while because of how I was feeling but you have given me the jolt I needed.
Its quite a long story but in 2009 I tried to commit suicide. It was after a long period of struggle both financially and lots of family problems. I took a massive amount of tablets all washed down with wine, left the house and hid. My OH found me and got help but as we were living abroad with no health care in place there was no follow up.
It was one of the reasons we came back to England. I made another attempt a short while later and thanks to my wonderful GP at the time started receiving treatment.
I have suffered crippling depression on and off for the last 12 years but thought I had it licked, famous last words! The Black Dog descended again recently and I have been using everything I can think of to get me through. My cancer diagnosis last year and the sheer lack of mental support after that along with lockdown, family worries etc. had pushed me into a deep hole.
I now feel I am able to see daylight again but I am so aware it is a slippery slope. At the moment in this area there is a massive waiting list for any form of help and try seeing someone at the GPs no chance.
I am very lucky to have a very supportive friend who can read me like a book and knows even on the phone when I am not OK.
One thing I was told early on in my treatment was to talk to people about what was going on. It isn't something to be ashamed of. I have tried to be open in the hope I would encourage others to speak up and seek help.
grannyactivist please take care of your own mental wellbeing, it is to easy to slip under the radar.
Please everyone take care of yourselves.

I am ok, in fact over the moon, because last Thursday I had a hip replacement which I have been waiting for for a while, it is wonderful not to have any pain any more,but I feel I am in a bit of an anti climax,I cant understand why,everything has gone so well,and I need to do a lot of exercises every day,which isnt a problem, is this a normal feeling?

Kate1949

Thank you grannyactivist. I too have seen the stuff on TV about asking 'Are you OK' twice. The trouble is, I find, that nobody really wants to know.
I'm not OK much of the time due to traumatic life events but if anyone asks I say I'm fine. Occasionally if I have said that I don't feel good, I have been reminded that I am lucky and that there are people worse off. As if I didn't know that. On my last visit to my GP, I broke down and she couldn't get me out of there quick enough. To most people it's seen as whinging so I keep quiet.
My brother took his own life at a young age so I know the horror of that in the family. I would never go down that road but some days it's hard to get up in the morning. In my experience it's only on TV shows that people are offered real help.
Also, there is the stigma. I want to be OK and not 'one of those people who needs help'. I thought twice about posting this as I worry about making everything about me.

Kate1949 I'm so, so sorry that you reached out and were totally failed by your GP.

I've been bi-polar since I was a child, plus a lot of traumatic life events not helping, and have had 3 hospital admissions to date. But I've been very lucky in that my GP's have always been supportive.

I strongly suggest that as soon as possible (not sure how the Covid situation is affecting joining GP practices) you change your doctor. Yours isn't worth the paper her degree is written on.

I have had many drug changes over the years, but for the last 10 have been on a pretty stable combination which really does help me. I've also been given a lovely Support Worker and the nicest Psychologist you could hope to meet. But you need a good doctor to refer you for such help.

All of these things and my faith in God, my need to be there for my adult son whose life can be difficult sometimes, and my myriad rescue animals have prevented me actually killing myself, though I have frequently wondered if I should just go ahead and do so. Never more so than in the last 10 months since my very much beloved husband died of Covid.

I'm telling you this, because like you I have always played the part of the "life & soul of the party" so as not to embarrass/ depress/ chase away other people. I've also had my husband tell me many years ago of one of our neighbours who is so typical of mainstream thinking re mental health: he said to my husband "but WHY is poshpaws depressed? She's got nothing to be depressed about!" And some people whom I still consider friends, but no longer say I'm not really doing so well, as their response is to change the subject so fast I almost feel the whiplash!

My husband & I had a dear friend who hung himself two years ago which must have taken so much courage to do, but I'm afraid that if I did, I might not be allowed into Heaven and reunited with my husband and all our animals who've gone before me.

Please keep getting up in the morning. I'm doing it and even finding some small joys in life again ... my son texting for no reason other than to say he loves me; one of my dogs doing something really cute; watching the cherry tree that my husband planted as a pip and was so proud of, growing so fast & healthy. Even just enjoying a calm, dry, windless day.

If you would like to, do send me a pm and I promise I won't think you're "making everything about me."

I watched the program with Roman Kemp which was very touching. Afterwards my husband and I talked about the people we knew who had committed suicide. It was shocking the number of people we knew who had succumbed to their suicidal thoughts, the majority young men.
A few years ago, my stepson was in a very dark place. I can't remember how we found out that he was in trouble but I do remember the panic we felt. Once we found him, we gathered him up, brought him home, got him help and watched him like a hawk. He stayed months until his dark thoughts receded. Today he has a great life with 2 young children and a lovely wife. He has survived his daughter being stillborn and many other setbacks so we have relaxed a bit but we are always aware how fragile that zest for life can be. His half brother (my youngest) is a very similar personality and we have done everything we can to build resilience but it doesn't stop my heart being in my mouth when he meets problems.
Anniebach, my experience with those diagnosed with bipolar is that they can be good at disguising their intent even with the professionals. My friends's wife had a psychotic episode so he rang for help. He could not believe how rational she sounded on the end of the phone to the psychiatrist who fortunately believed him. My brother would look you in the eye and assure you everything was just fine because he didn't want the medication which suppressed his impulsivity. On his black dog days, he would just hide away from the world and avoid everybody. It is just tragic.

What a lovely, caring son you have.

Alexa. And maybe not

JaneJudge thank you. Yes mental illness is not about just feeling sad or under stress.

Some should try asking a person with Bipolar if they are ok when they are on a high

You have a lovely son.
Nobody in my family is that considerate.
You should feel very blessed

Bluebelle and Bluesky, yes I agree that people about to commit suicide will say they are okay, but as OP said, her son asking if she was really ok triggered the response that she needed help. It's worth asking because it just could help someone get the help they need.

I am not OK. I am mostly OK but not totally. I told my husband last week that I have been feeling blue & he said he knew I was but can't do much about it. (well he could spend more time being around rather than shutting himself in his study with his TV- he does come out for meals & to watch Corrie with me!)
I miss my friends. Yes we can chat on the phone but not as good as chatting over a cuppa in a coffee shop. I miss my Yoga & dance classes & just general company.
I think that fact that I have acknowledged the fact that I am feeling low is good. I did mention it to my doctor & he has prescribed some low dosage pills which do help a lot.
So if you are not feeling great tell someone- suffering in silence is the first step on the slippery slope.

Fine I am told by my sponsor it means Feeling, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. I just say I’m feeling good if that’s true on the day I’m asked.