Gaslighting - has this happened to you

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Go to a solicitor, you may have more rights than you think you have.

Go to a solicitor; you may be surprised at the rights you have. The fact that your husband suggested an unofficial separation hints at the fact that he fears you may be entitled to far more than he has said. You say you are realising other marriages are not all the same as your own; seek independent advice and stop listening to the man who has betrayed you.

You can go to a lawyer for advice only for a basic fee, or there are lawyers available for those on limited income. I went with my son for a consultation when he was going through a separation. The lawyer laid out his responsibilities financially based on wages, assets and his experience on past cases. You may be entitled to part of his pension, etc. if you were in a long term relationship.

It doesn't have to go through the courts if a fair settlement is reached. At least you will know your rights. Stay positive, and good luck to you on taking this first step.

Thank you for all replies. Extremely supportive. With a gaslighter, you never have friends or family support group. Perhaps it is an age thing. You keep problems to yourself, and just get on with it although you do notice that not all marriage relationships are the same as your own. I will be contacting a solicitor now, but reading online divorce info I can only expect long and costly procedure for end result of divorce and financial settlement. Lose lose situation really.

I'm not sure if you are asking for comments on your legal situation or about being gaslighted; but if it is the latter, I would say that the important thing is not to blame yourself.

Gaslighting in particular, and narcissistic abuse in general, is insidious, and there is no shame in not recognising it, as 'normal' people don't behave like this and probably haven't come across it before.

If you are unsure about what you are entitled to, perhaps because your partner has convinced you that his earning power is relevant (it may or may not be, depending on circumstances), then I agree that you need a good solicitor.

The courts are not interested in allotting blame for the break up of a relationship. So don't think you will get any sort of condemnation of your partner unless you can prove he was, and still is, a threat to you. If you are married you need a solicitor and you will have to go to mediation where all your assets will be revealed and an equitable settlement agreed. If you were co-habiting you still need a solicitor but your legal standing will be different.

Get a solicitor pronto!

It's never up to either ex how much a person should or should not get, it's a judge's decision if it gets that far.

You do need a solicitor without doubt that’s a priority. You might be entitled to legal aid if there is a law society near you they will give you the best advice probably on line these days. It was my first port of call and they advised a local solicitor. If you have children and contact issues you may well have to resort to family court. My ex was drinking and driving with my children in the car. I had to attend court to restrict his contact with them with strict conditions. He broke the conditions so contact was stopped he still was troublesome but eventually stopped. This was twenty five years ago though I don’t know if the family law has changed. You have to be strong and determind but it will be worth the peace of mind.

Further to what I said above - take the iniative, go the legal route. If you leave things unofficial he will still have control. You don't necessarily have to go to court, as far as I'm aware.

Are you married? Or was it an unofficial partnership? It matters in regard to separation.

Get a solicitor quickly. You need professional advice.

It happened to DS.

Yes, get legal advice. Even if it doesn't make a lot of difference to what you get, at least you will know that you've done what you could. If you don't, you might regret it later.

I would also suggest that you go for an offical separation regardless of what your ex wants.

You need a lawyer. If you can avoid the Court getting involved in finances, you’ll save cash and stress.

You should contact a lawyer to sort out what you are actually entitled to. A court won't be interested in gaslighting, only in establishing legal rights. Were you married? If so, don't agree to anything until you have spoken to a lawyer.