How can I get over myself..

It's a horrible situation to be in. But you know the worst thing? There is no real commitment in your relationship. You are living together but that's all. Commitment means making vows in public to say that you 'forsake all others'. You might love each other but there is no security for either of you. In spite of the years you have spent together, you might decide you prefer your own home, so might he. A very wise man was once asked for relationship advice by a couple who were living together. Having listened to their problems, he asked the man "Why haven't you got married? Are you waiting for someone better to come along?" That's a question that needs to be asked.

How difficult for you. What will happen when you get to the stage where you haven’t the physical resources to care for your partner’s big house? I’m in a kind of similar situation as I decided to stay married after my husband had an affair but didn’t want to live with him. He was obsessed with having his dream house built and I told him I wanted to move to the south coast. He wouldn’t give up his dream but he scraped up enough cash to take out a mortgage on a house for me, where I live permanently & he visited every couple of months. I helped him plan the new house, which is lovely, but I don’t want to live in it as too many unhappy memories in that village. Now he’s 82, incapable of keeping that place clean and won’t employ a cleaner or a gardener. These old men are so stubborn & resist change. Now I have become ill and can’t really cope on my own, so he has been here looking after me. He’ll want us to sell this small house & me to move to his large one, which just doesn’t feel like my home. I can’t imagine your partner seeing your point of view ever, children can be very controlling in their parents’ old age and it’s not fair that your partner’s children cannot recognise the quality of life you have brought to their father. Sorry I can’t be more positive but I’m with you all the way.

Another thought. Just getting him to change his Will is no protection, as it can be changed back again at any time!

A friend of mine had a legal battle with her stepmother, who made my friend's father change his will (in stepmother's favour) literally on his deathbed. I hasten to add that he had provided for the stepmother in his will, but she tried to disinherit the daughters.

And, of course, you would have to decide jointly what happens to the jointly owned property, too.

Just speaking personally. When I was young I moved into my future husband's house with him. I never felt it was mine, and I would never do it again.
With second marriages - or partnerships - and adult children on both sides it is of course more complicated, but in my opinion the way forward is to sell both houses and buy something jointly. Either party can then decide independently what to do with any surplus money; maybe you would want to help your daughter buy something of her own.
Apologies if this repeats what others have posted already!

I have no time for adult children who dictate what their parents do with their house after they die - nobody is entitled to anything from their parents - and your partner should stand up to them on this point. His adult children "won't accept" any decision other than leaving you with nothing, he should tell them to bog off! If the relationship is dependent upon them having an inheritance it doesn't sound like a very fruitful relationship anyway and I think you would be better of without any of them in your lives.

Polarbear2

I live with my OH. Have done for 10 years. We’re not married. I own a house where my daughter lives. The house which is now my home will go to my OHs children if my OH passes before me, as it should. I will have to leave and find somewhere else to live or go back to my house.
I had problems accepting this but have decided I’d rather be with my partner than not. I love him and by and large enjoy our time together. It’s not perfect but what is.
My problem is that I can’t get engaged with the house. It’s a big house and I’ve decorated it - my OH wasn’t bothered and it needed refreshing. The garden is large and I enjoy gardening (in fine weather) so I spend time looking after it. My OH pulls his weight with that. But I keep feeling resentful that I’m putting effort into something that I have no ownership of. My OH wants to build an extension and redesign the house. He keeps asking my opinion and I don’t want to engage with it. I don’t really want him to do it as it will eat into our retirement time, but I understand he has this dream so I’ll support him as best I can. I just can’t bring myself to engage with it in terms of choosing flooring etc. I keep saying ‘it’s not my house, it’s your choice’ and he then looks sad and disappointed. I feel I’m being mean and childish. I’d really love us to sell both houses and buy something between us where we both have ownership but while I’ve said this and he has ‘nodded’ I don’t think it will happen. How do I get my head round this and look at this house as my home in the proper sense?? I need to reframe somehow.

No you don’t! He is wrong with this. I agree either sell or get the Will changed. I can’t how you can could get excited about something that won’t be yours. Sounds to me like he has commitment problems. This may not have been what you wanted to hear but just my opinion.

What a self-made tangle you have got yourself into. So often we are ruled by our hearts, not our heads.
I imagine if it had been the other way round you would have been completely different and imagined he would.
Start to be a bit selfish and look after yourself. Good luck.

I know you say his offspring won't accept anything else but if your partner were to change his will to give you a lifetime right to stay, he wouldn't have to tell them about it. Of course that might make your life afterwards very awkward, depending on how they reacted. However, it might make you feel more involved in house projects which could make your current life, and your partner's) happier as you could plan together.

I sympathise with you, I am in a bit of a similar position, though we did buy a house together and that is very definitely in both our names. When one of us dies the other has the right to remain until they die or marry someone else and then the house will be divided between the 2 families. We both have other properties - my OH has 2, I have one, and each will eventually go to our own respective families. However with remaining monies etc my OH hasn’t much, I have much more on paper but it is invested so that I get a small pension from it, I never got a pension through work. We are both fairly independent in our relationship in that we share all household and renovation bills etc. I was upset about not being left anything in his Will, when he is mentioned in mine and I have left him a good chunk of my invested money. I felt we hadn’t discussed it enough even though we’ve been together over 20 years. I didn’t want to seem greedy about it all. However I decided I couldn’t continue to feel resentful and I initiated a serious discussion. He told me that although I’m not actually mentioned in the Will as a beneficiary, I would get a widows pension from his pension when he dies, which is a reasonable amount. His accountant knows all about it, but it’s not in his Will. He doesn’t know whether it should be in his Will and says he will ask the solicitor, but he hasn’t done that yet!!! I shall have to start another discussion! I really feel you should be brave and insist on your OH giving you the right to remain in the house until you either find another home, or for the rest of your life. His children needn’t know if he doesn’t tell them.

Partner and I are buying a house together. Tenants-in-common with unequal shares. Deal is that when one or other of us dies the house must be sold within two years of probate, and the proceeds distributed accordingly. Our kids are happy with that. If we did marry we'd maintain the same arrangement.

For those of you with mirror wills that you think will protect your children's inheritance rights - they won't. There's no obligation on the survivor to maintain the legacy arrangements. Many children of a first marriage have found themselves disinherited in favour of the children of a subsequent spouse. If you want to protect your children, check with a solicitor. Your partner may trust a second spouse to do the right thing but very often that doesn't happen.

I lived this life, despite being married. My husband, now deceased, had two adult children who knew exactly what his net worth was! We courted for 9 years before marrying, but his children were awful to me from the start, and it just got worse! I kept my own house (we were both widowed). I was unable to have children - so no conflict there. Husband had lived in "his" house for perhaps 30 years and his first wife had been dead for more than 20 before we even met. I was nearing retirement when we married, and he had been retired for over 10 years. The adult children had not lived in the house since they were teenagers, and the older "boy" had never lived there at all! Both were over 40 at the time of our marriage. Even so, husband left me the house for my lifetime, and I still own it and rent it out now. I have spent a lot if money modernising it, as you have to do, in order to get and keep good tenants. Shortly after his death from cancer after only six years of marriage, the daughter arrived at the front door with a Removal van and four well built young men, and then proceeded to take everything out of the house that she wanted, leaving an old style TV, an old three piece suite and a bed! She even took the fridge and freezer from the kitchen! I had to ask for my food which was still in there! In fairness, I had said it was my intention to return to my own house, in another County. The daughter later divorced, re-married and moved away. She never spoke to me again, and I have no idea what her married name is or where she lives.! The son has since died and his daughter, the only grandchild, who lives somewhere in London doesn't contact me (or respond to messages/letters/cards) either. Please think very carefully about arrangements for your future OP!

I think you have to be completely honest with your OH about this.

Next time he asks your opinion about some of the changes he is making, tell him as kindly as possible, that much as you hate yourself for feeling this way, you cannot have any real feelings for this house, as you know that if he predeceases you, you will be out on your neck.

It is not worth spoiling a good relationship over a house, but unexpressed resentment or anxiety can spoil things too.

You say you can move back to your own house, if the need arises, but can you afford to do so, and can you and your daughter share it amicably?

In your place, I would discuss this whole situation with my daughter, too. It is only right that she knows exactly how you and she will be placed if your OH dies first.

Just having someone to discuss the whole thing with may ease your resentment. I hope it will help.

I doubt that your selling your house and your OH selling his and buying something in common will ease things. I think it will make it potentially even more difficult with your OH's children, as they will feel, justifiably or not, that you have persuaded their father into making a change that will not benefit them.

But please do work out whether you will be able to afford to live in your own house, should the need arise.

Would it help if you were married and entitled to a widow's pension?

So basically people think that a person who already owns a property should then be able to benefit financially from another property so that her daughter can continue to live maybe rent-free in the mother's home? And the children of the male partner don't get anything? Maybe calling them avaricious could be translated as seeing that they won't get anything if they aren't careful while the OP's daughter will be sitting pretty? Non-one is asking why she can't buy her own home, or asking about her expectations after her mother dies. It does depend on viewpoint, doesn't it?

My Mum's partner and, now her carer, is in much the same position. He has his own house which he rents out at very preferable rates to a friend and he lives at my Mum's house. Over the years, I have been encouraging her to accept that it might be her house but it is his home. When it has come to her Will, she has been torn as to what to do but mainly because she wants her grandkids to benefit earlier rather than later. I have had talks with her partner and he has no desire to stay in the fading mausoleum that he can't cope with now, let alone when he gets older. However, he was worried that he wouldn't be able to move quickly and would like to sell his house to move nearer his son when the time comes. We have come to an agreement that he will get 2 years to find somewhere new. I think if we left it any longer, he would not be of an age to either manage the house or manage to move. To be honest, I'd like them to buy somewhere together now and give him a life time home before splitting it between his son and the grandchildren. However, my Mum is not for moving.
Could your partner at least give you time to get sorted so you are not at the mercy of his children. They don't need to know what his will contains until he dies so he is being a bit lily livered to panda to their avarice.

Consider going together to a solicitor to review options? A dear friend had to deal with avaricious children when her husband died and her solicitor has had to fight tooth and claw to enforce her rights. Your situation is more precarious (not married) so I’d want both you and your partner (and the legal situation) to be quite clear about rights.

Why don't u both move into your house and sell his house and give the kids the money?

It may not be your house but It is your home, your chosen safe sanctuary you share and live in with the man you love. If you can’t be happy and accept that for what it is, maybe you are In a wrong place? Sorry if that sounds brutal, but I cannot relate to, or understand your feelings, sorry. If I could have the love of my life back, I swear I could live in a tent, even if it were borrowed lol!

I think you should just enjoy the here and now. I don't think you can change his mind or if you do he will come to resent you. You love him because he is who he is. His children accept you now because they know the house will come to them as soon as he dies. Any change will make them hostile to you. If he wants to restyle the property then great encourage him but you do not have to take any responsibility if you don't want to. You said he built this house so he must be more than capable. My cousin was married to a much older widower for over 30 years the house they lived in was his and the moment he died (in fact the week of his funeral) the adult children asked her to move out and they took possession of the house. If he dies first can you make sure you have funds in place to buy somewhere else or you can go back and live in your own house (where your daughter is living).

I owned my house and partner inherited his from parents! We decided to buy together as tenants in common ! If I die my daughter cannot kick him out unless he lives with someone else or marries ! Same if he dies, his sons cannot kick me out!! You do heed some sort of discussion about security for the future! At least you have a property to fall back on if necessary! Have you made wills?? Very important in these circumstances ?

His children wouldn’t accept it !!! What right do they have to accept or not it sounds to me that their father is allowing them to manipulate him.
They would get the house at the end of your days I would want him to change his will so it included this clause.

Definately it would be in your best interests as others have said review the whole situation of your financial security again in this relationship. You may not need to leave but it would be better for you to be in a more financial situation. Go me right to reside may be one of those options.

BTW I would be very unhappy if I died and my husband then married another woman and my kids lost out on their inheritance, the things I have worked for as well. I've told my husband if he didn't see my kids right I'll come back to haunt him!

I’m not surprised you feel detached from home improvements. You could marry, without telling them, which I think, would invalidate the will. Nothing like money to cause dissent in families. I’m sorry you are so torn, it must be a cloud over your retirement.
I have visions of his children turning up on the day after his death and evicting you onto the street and would you have to then make your daughter homeless.