How can I get over myself..

I don't blame you at all. I would not have the motivation. Yes ypu should buy a house between you, if he died first you would obviously not be homeless. That sounds a terrible position to be in.

I would like to know more about how the partner came to own his house. Was it purchased with a, now deceased, partner? Was there an agreement with her that no matter what their kids would get the house? And how would anyone feel if step-children, who were adults when the parents got together benefitted if the second wife got everything? (If you see what I mean?)

I married my widower husband 4 years ago. It was hard being in another woman’s house, where his children had grown up, and they loved the house. However I suggested we sell it to free up money, and then he could give his children a decent amount of money from the sale, which he did, and we bought a bungalow with a smaller more manageable garden. It belongs to him, and I have always known it will go to his children if he dies first. (I have a flat to move to) I made sure I befriended his children and though it was a while before they totally accepted me, we all get on now. (My ex is in a relationship, and if I thought he would favour her over our own children with regard to the family home, I would be rather upset, so I can see both sides!)

My OH lives with me in my house. He pays an amount each month to me, not specified but it goes towards the bills. He has built an extension and done some refurbishments and we have drawn up a document which states that if I should die before him, my sons will inherit my house but will repay him a fixed amount for what he has spent. If he goes first, I will pay his children that amount. I have a Will in which my sons are beneficiaries. This works for us and whilst I can hear the sharp intake of breath from some of you, we have discussed this and he is happy with it.

Pity you can`t just get married, you obviously love each other as you have been together ten years. You can`t really expect him tot sell his house and buy one together if you don`t want to sell yours. I think I would need more security for my future.

My last relationship ended 9 months ago after 14 years together. He refused to marry me or give me any kind of security because of his adult children. He wouldn't do anything towards making our home nice. If the kettle broke he would go out and buy a Tesco value one. In the meantime he was giving his adult children thousands of pounds most of which was spent on drink and drugs. They hated me because they felt I stood in the way of controlling their father and his finances. I put up with years of misery. They did some awful things to me over the years. I had bailiffs turn up looking for his daughter and police because of his son. Finally I realised I could never win. My adult children and family were so good and kind to him. Last year I decided my peace of mind and self respect were worth more than being with him. Please don't end up unhappy like I did.

Be so very careful if he grants you a right of occupation if he dies first. My partner and I were together for 15 years and then last year he died of coronavirus. He had left the house - which he owned solely - in a trust which gave me the right of occupation for life. It would then revert to his children - with whom I had always got in well. However, they have challenged his Will and it has been found to be flawed. They have issued me with a notice to vacate. My legal bills are rising exponentially, I am in poor health, I am alone and I have nowhere to go. I am absolutely in pieces. I repeat - be very careful.

SueDonim

Why do his children have to know what’s in their father’s will? A will can be changed without anyone knowing except the person making the will, the lawyer and the witness.

My thoughts exactly! None of their business especially if they are such an avaricious family. He can do the decent thing and ensure your future security and they won’t know until he’s no longer around to be bullied by them.

The witness doesn’t need to know the contents of the will. They are signing to say that they witnessed the will being signed without coercion.

Quite a lot of issues here. You are not happy, so you need to do something. I think you DO have some rights and you should consult a solicitor to get a clearer picture of your current rights and the options. Your OH should want to make sure you feel comfortable in your living situation. Is he using his children as an excuse? I can't really understand why he wants to build an extension on what you describe as a large house - what's that all about? I'd have thought buying a joint or pro-rata property, with the proper legal safeguards, would be the best option. The children's attitude is probably to do with what went on between their parents, and their attitude to you is just incidental. Incidentally, is your daughter paying a fair rent for your house? What would happen if you needed to sell your house? All questions you need to sort out before you decide how to move on.

Eight years after our mother passed away, my father started a relationship with another lady. It gave him a new lease of life and we were happy for him. Unfortunately, the relationship ended after a year or so, but if it had continued we would have expected him to include her in his will. Starting a relationship later in life is totally different from when you are in your twenties or thirties. Had they stayed together, she would have ended up caring for him in the last years of his life and therefore taken a lot of the burden off us, his children. In my opinion, she would have been entitled to a share of his estate if they had stayed together. The last couple of years of his life were very stressful trying to be there for him while managing our own full time jobs and families. There was never a day that he was alone, but it was a very difficult time for all of us and if he'd had a partner there, his life would have been so much better and it would have been totally wrong not to include her in his will

Redhead56

I agree with you that children come first. I would definitely want to protect my children's legacy if I were to have a future relationship. They will always be my priority.
In OP's case, she has her own home so is not vulnerable and I see no reason why he should leave the house to her, even temporarily.
However, his plans to renovate are an issue and unfeeling. It is a large house with only 2 people living there, so an extension seems unnecessary. I do understand why Polarbear2 cannot engage with such a plan. I think I would be saying, let's spend our time in enjoyable, relaxing ways, at least once we are allowed to go on holidays and pursue interests again.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

He really needs to stop pandering to his children. Its not their decision what he does with the house - either now or in his will!!

On the other hand I probably wouldn't want to co own a house with him unless there was rock solid legal protection for my own assets.

But there are couples who are very firmly together and maintain their own houses spending time at each property together or separately.

They wouldn’t have a choice, the property is not theirs it is their fathers and he can do whatever he wants to with it, do they have their own homes? If so they are just plain greedy and will have to wait

I think you should both see a solicitor and find out how you can have some protection if he dies first. Just because his children won't like it is no reason to avoid it.

BTW lots of people are tenants and will never own a property, somehow they manage to take in interest in their surroundings.

In his Will I mean.

So, if you sold both houses and bought another where would your daughter go?

Could he not give you a Life Interest in the house when he passes? That way you have a home for the rest of your life and takes away the need to uproot whoever is in yours or find somewhere else.

Omg. You are Me! I am in EXACTLY the same position except we married. It didn’t make any difference to how I felt about not living in my own home.....after 32 years in my first marriage everything we had we shared. My home has always been crucial to my mental health ... nesting to feel safe and all that...Now I live in his house and I have a little cottage that I rent out to give me some income. We are about to do an extension and he asked me yesterday why don’t you really care ...that’s not like you because you’re so interested in stuff like that.... I did say to him oh it’s just because it’s taking so long but actually it’s because my heart just isn’t in this house, I feel like a tenant and it’s really horrible. If you want to chat on PMPing me a message.

“He has a life to lead, not be the custodian of their inheritance. “
Ooh Urmstongran! I like that! Beautifully put. I have a son who thinks just that so I’ve told him I’m leaving his inheritance share to the dogs home! ?‍♀️

Does he own his house outright? Are you helping towards bills etc. Why not set up a separate joint account - and he pays a regular amount into that, so that if anything should happen to him, you will have something back - a cushion - that the children don't even need to know about.

Polarbear2

H1954

Why couldn't he grant you 'right to reside' so you can remain in the house until you die f he dies before you?

Because his children won’t accept that. They don’t engage with me. I wasn’t the cause of his divorce, and they aren’t unpleasant, but they aren’t friendly either. They are quite an avaricious family.

A solicitor could facilitate 'right to reside' in the will. The AC would have to out up with it and would not be legally able to sell the property until you die or divide yourself to move out.

if I were in your OH's position what my children will or wont accept wouldn't affect my decision

I agree with Smileless comment above. He needs to think about his priorities in living his life and how that impacts on your life as he is with you.

It seems you feel resentful because your partner wants to spend time redesigning his house whereas you would rather spend your retirement years together doing something else. He wants your input but you don't want to invest your time and energy in the project. Right Polarbear?
Perhaps you feel the house does not need an extension etc? (If you jointly owned the property would you feel differently I wonder but that's hypothetical).
If your partner wants to, he can always review his will. He could simply ask his solicitor to add a codicil, for example, bequeath you a lump sum specifying it as a recognition that you have been his long term loving partner. Would that work for you? Perhaps with the all the thoughts and advice from gransnetters you can discuss your feelings with your partner and decide what to do together. Good wishes.