How can I get over myself..

nanna8

Wouldn’t half the house be yours in law anyway.
? Common law marriage and all that. It would here, might be worth asking a legal person.

There is no such thing under English Law as Common Law Marriage.

Polarbear wrote suedonim they ‘helped’ him write it

Crumbs, this sounds rather like coercive control of their father. He can still add something to his will to allow you to say there. They do not need to know.

As you say, though, this is about your comfort and it isn’t hard to see why you’re disengaged with something that’s of no benefit to you, and in fact with the disruption of building work and all the mess is likely to inconvenience you.

Another option. How about renting out the house and using the income to rent a place that you both like?

I know it’s hard to say what I would do in someone else’s shoes for sure, but I think I would be feeling a bit in second place, like a housekeeper to be honest. If it were me, I would want to talk this through. You could show him this thread. I’m not sure I could live like this, with his children calling the shots. Obviously, they matter, and are important to him, but shouldn’t take priority over you at the moment. You are both still alive. Maybe the choice is, you either get married, or move out, as clearly what you’re doing at the moment isn’t working. Hope it all works out for you?

I don't know your partner's financial position but has it occurred to anyone that should he become ill and need nursing care he might have to sell the house to pay for care?
This would affect you as well as his children.(This happened with my father whose savings and house were all taken so it was good that I never counted on an inheritance.)
I don't think you are a control freak at all; I think your partner is living very comfortably with someone in a loving relationship, but who also pays her way and maintains the garden, and who he now wants to work on an extension which will ultimately benefit his children. If anything you are too passive, but a difficult situation to resolve.
I think you are feeling understandably resentful, and you are very much being taken for granted; your own daughter is also living off you and should you decide to return home it may not be as simple as you think. Life is unpredictable and you need to take steps to protect yourself; time for your partner to consider you and your needs.
If he wants your co operation for an extension then he must make provision for you in his will, otherwise no deal. No need to inform his children.

??? oh yes. I recognise that peas.

So this man's children would basically disown him if he left you with the right to stay in the home if he dies first?

Charming children.

I'd not be happy with this at all.

I don't even know if I would stay with him.

What would have happened had you not had another house? Would his children see you homeless?

I don't know.

He's chosen to have a life with you. But his children are putting pressure on him that shouldn't be there

You've been together a long time

I think you deserve more

Wouldn’t half the house be yours in law anyway.
? Common law marriage and all that. It would here, might be worth asking a legal person.

Thanks Bluebell. It’s hard yes. And thanks for the support. Makes me feel I’m not being daft.

Two control freaks living here??

Who knew there were so many wrong ways to wash up a cup??

Gosh this is a hard one as I can totally see both side When my last partner moved in (with nothing) there is no way I would have written my children out of having the house if I died first (perhaps that showed I didn’t love him enough, I don’t know, I certainly didn’t love him more than my children, even on a bad day)
I can also see how you cannot get excited about doing up a house you ll never own or have shares in I wouldn’t either
How the heck do you juggle this??
Well all I can think is that as you do love him, you are helping doing it up for him, almost your present to him and a project for you and you have got your own house to do up for you if needed Not ideal by a long long way but I can’t see another way forward
But I do understand fully your feelings

Reading some of the replies, just seems to muddy the water. I agree with Urmstongran, you are bound to feel resentful, I don’t think I could be happy renovating and improving a house which would only benefit people who I don’t have a good relationship with.
But Peasblossom is looking at it from their point of view, and she does have a point.
I guess you just have to decide how much you can put up with, and for how long.

peasblossom thank you. Yes that’s exactly how I feel. I wouldn’t put him above my children regards my property and I don’t expect him to do the same for me. My issue in my OP was how to get over feeling disengaged/having a sense of no ownership and I think you’ve addressed that. I agree this could be good for me. My inner control freak is having to learn new ways. I think ownership, to me, makes me feel secure? Then again, I know I’m in a precarious situation in some ways but hey, my ex announced he was leaving out of the clear blue one day (after 20+ years) so I’ve done precarious and nailed it ?. Very grateful.
suedonim they ‘helped’ him write it ?

You seem to love each other so can’t you get married? Maybe in his will the house is sold and divided into shares so you get a proportion of the property and his kids get their shares. You need to safeguard your future and what you put into the property towards the extension. If he’s a reasonable chap try and discuss and tell him exactly how you feel or the resentment will build. Good luck.

Hmm. These are my thoughts.

Firstly, there’s quite a lot of “he shouldn’t be putting his children before you” thoughts here. Well no, except they are his children and on another thread (about childcare) you’ll see some of the same people saying your partner shouldn’t be dictating how you deal with your family, it’s up to you.

Maybe he is “putting them first”. Ask yourself honestly if you would be prepared to lose your children in order to do what your partner wanted.

From his children’s point of view why should you have shares in a house that their parents worked for together?
If he made over a share to you would you be happy for his children to have an equal share in your house?

A viewpoint depends on where you are standing, doesn’t it?

So assuming you want to stay with him, he wants to stay in the house. Is there a way to be happy?

Maybe not. But many, many people live in a house that they do not own, the bricks and mortar. It’s called renting. They live their all their lives and for them it is home because they have made it home. A place where they belong. Is there any way of belonging?

Can I suggest that wanting to involve you in the extension is his way of getting you to feel that the house is yours, both of you. A project that you are doing together to make a home.

Can you ask yourself why actually owning, having a financial interest, is so important to you?

I am in a similar position to you, actually, and after living independently for some years. I’m having to come to the realisation now that I can no longer have my home (and I do consider it home) just they way I want. I’m having to compromise, live with furniture I don’t like, negotiate changes. It’s tough, but worth it. And probably very good for me?

I hope you can find a way to be happy?

Why do his children have to know what’s in their father’s will? A will can be changed without anyone knowing except the person making the will, the lawyer and the witness.

I should have mentioned there was a lot of opposition to our marriage from relatives. On my partner's side that's why we were very specific with property and wills etc.

Before we married we sold both our houses to start on neutral ground. I would not have it any other way. I have two children my then partner had not been married and had no children.
I insisted my children were named in our will as the beneficiaries. To protect their inheritance when we passed away. It's your choice what you do but I am not convinced you are happy with the arrangement.

The issue here is not the house.

Your OH is making plans and prioritizing his children, not you.

Ah. That explains a lot. The “walking on eggshells” life. Poor man. His adult children have got the upper hand (and they know it). But here’s the thing. He ends up living the life of a marionette.

But if that’s his nature and you love him I guess acceptance will have to be good enough.

Thanks urms. You’re right. I’ve proposed the pro rata idea. It’d give me some ownership and I’d be in control of my own future should he die first. And, I know he agrees with me - it’s the most sensible, most obvious option. But he’s scared of his children. They have a very fragile relationship and he’s scared they’ll disappear if he doesn’t do as they wish. He does lack confidence. His late brother dominated him all his life and I get the impression his ex wife was very dominant too. He’s a nice guy who just wants to keep everybody happy. I don’t want to be yet another dominant person in his life. I want cooperation and partership. It’s very difficult. My kids would never think like that. They want me to be happy and have a good life. His family aren’t like that. We will talk again.

Ours certainly wouldn’t either nadateturbe but as the Op states in her post they are quite a avaricious family, and it seems their father is putting them first

The best thing in my opinion? Sell both houses and buy something between you. Maybe on a pro rata basis so it’s fair. Or sell your house and if his is bigger, just get him to match you. This might leave you both with money in the bank too.
good advice.
Better to think of your home as "ours"

Why is he letting his children dictate? They aren't more important than you. Our children (we are in second marriage) would never think like that.

These are you’re gut feelings Polarbear and they are yours and valid. This situation isn’t going to get any easier. Given that your partner wants to spend time and money on his house it’s actually going to get worse. Your resentment will grow. You know this.

Communication is key here. You both need to talk, not just pay lip service in the hope that something will magically smooth things over.

The best thing in my opinion? Sell both houses and buy something between you. Maybe on a pro rata basis so it’s fair. Or sell your house and if his is bigger, just get him to match you. This might leave you both with money in the bank too.

His family are avaricious? Tough. He has a life to lead, not be the custodian of their inheritance.

Sit down. Talk. Divvy things up to do what’s fair by both of you. If he has money in the bank afterwards, he can gift his children (tax free) some of it every year (c. £3k p,a.) if he chooses to. That way his adult children don’t feel marginalised. Or he can hang onto his money until his death and they can share it out then! See a solicitor. Draw up wills that make living in this new, joint house equable for both of you. His kids are living their life why shouldn’t he (and you) live yours too? Good luck whatever the outcome.

Thanks all. Some great comments. cornishpatsy I think your reply is kind of where I’ve got to. I decided life was worth more than a house. I get to live in a nice house (I pay my way) and have a lovely garden to enjoy. I should relax and enjoy it. The future will take care of itself.
As for my house - funnily enough no she doesn’t decorate it and it has no real garden. She works hard and has little time. SO - to scratch my decor itch - I’ve started this week on redecorating it. My theory is it’ll be nice should I decide to leave here. And/or it’ll be nice if I have to sell it or rent it. My daughter will probably move on soon as she’s now in a position to get her own place.
Sorry for the offload. I was just feeling rubbish about stuff. This extension plan isn’t helping. You’re a good bunch.

I would demand that he writes you into his property so that in the event that he dies before yourself you'll remain secure and also in a position to sell if you so please, thus giving his family the proceeds rather than living as you are doing.
With your name included on the property, witnessed by a solicitor you can't be thrown out at least.

The situation as it stands is in no way an incentive for either making improvements or even staying there.
You should be living your lives and not stressing about what's being left for the offspring.