How can I get over myself..

Polarbear2 it's really nothing to do with his children. It isn't for them to accept or not accept. Would they expect to take precedence over you if you were married? Most people would think they are very lucky if he chooses to leave his house to them rather than his partner.

I would find it very hard to take much interest in a house that was never going to be mine, even if it is his baby. But you may be a nicer person than me.

Just seen your next post after I had posted mine, so his children have made it clear to him they won’t accept anything less, hmm, oh dear, not a nice situation for you

You do not know which of you will die first or when it will be. Instead of focusing on that time of your life maybe you should stick to the here and now. Your future is ok as you have another house so do not need to worry about it.

Enjoy this time making a nice house and garden for you to benefit from now.

Does your daughter decorate and look after the garden in your house even though you could sell or move back in at any time.

"He realises this but his children have made it clear they won't accept anything less so he feels torn" well it has nothing to do with his children does it.

He could decide to sell the house and spend all of the proceeds living life to the full for as long as he's got left and that would have nothing to do with his children either.

Doing as SueDonim has suggested IMO is an ideal solution and TBH Polarbear if I were in your OH's position what my children will or wont accept wouldn't affect my decision.

I would feel exactly how you do I’m afraid, I couldn’t accept your situation, I too lived with my partner for over twenty years before we got married, but it was my home, I don’t think you are being mean or selfish, as you say you have explained to him telling him how you feel and he’s just nodded, but as you say you don’t think it will happen, it doesn’t sound to me as it will as he’s talking about extending and redesigning it! I think I would feel like a lodger knowing that if the worst comes to the worst I’d be outed! Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s how I would be feeling

H1954

Why couldn't he grant you 'right to reside' so you can remain in the house until you die f he dies before you?

Because his children won’t accept that. They don’t engage with me. I wasn’t the cause of his divorce, and they aren’t unpleasant, but they aren’t friendly either. They are quite an avaricious family.

I’m reading this and see my inner control freak shining out at me. Hey ho.

Why couldn't he grant you 'right to reside' so you can remain in the house until you die f he dies before you?

He realises but his children have made it clear they won’t accept anything less so he feels torn. I think for me, I was married 20+ years and always ran the house and decided on the decor. My ex wasn’t bothered and he worked 6/7 days a week so I made my own decisions in a way. I always asked his opinion of course but he wasn’t bothered. I then bought my own house post divorce and of course that was all mine to do with as I wished. I was there 7 years before I met my OH and moved in with him. I don’t get to make any real decisions about the house anymore. Which I do understand- it’s his baby - he built it. I wish I could find my peace with this.

That is an unsettling situation. He could change his will so you can stay in ‘his’ house after his death until you also pass away or decide you want to move on.

It just seems that he’s being a little careless of your feelings, he can’t expect you to throw yourself into refurbishing a house that you have no entitlement to.
Does he realise how sad this is making you?

It is in a way although I have my own house so I’ve got a safety net of sorts. But what’s my choice? Leave and live alone and miss him dreadfully? I’ve been there and my instinct was to stay. I thought I could just accept the situation and what will be will be and all that - but it’s hard.

I would feel exactly the same as you, it would be like renting a house, and being asked to love it and maintain it as if it were your own.
I don’t know the answer, of course he wants to leave something to his adult children, but you are important in his life as well, and this leaves you in a very vulnerable position.
It sounds like you don’t really want to rock the boat, but if you don’t make some changes, you’ll become more and more resentful.

your situation sounds very precarious.