Joke! Remember them?

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Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger

After a busy day, an elderly friend of mine settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-
Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train
- yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting
- no, not with my secretary, with the boss- no darling you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

There's a small village near us where there are three women for every man, but it's the same three women!

My favourite machine at the gym is the Vending machine

Dave was walking along the HighSt. when he saw some flowers in a shop window so he went inside and said
"I'd like to buy some flowers"
The lady behind the counter said; "This isn't a florist shop.
"But" said Dave you've got flowers in the window"
That's right" she replied. We're allowed to stay open because this is a circumcision clinic!"
"What do you suggest we put in the window!?

If at first you don't succeed,
de-fusing unexploded bombs is not for you.

Here is a lovely one from an engineering dept at the local uni in Melbourne.
Two Englishmen, one weighing 80 kilos, one weighing 120 kg jumped off a tall building. Who reached the ground first ?
Answer : who cares ?
Told by an expat.

What do you give a man with a weak heart?

A wee donkey.

My New Year's Resolution was to get into shape - I chose round

Doctor, I've got a mark on my head that looks like a palm tree with rough sandy skin all round it. Is it dangerous!

No, says doctor, it's just a beauty spot!

"Daddy are you still growing?" Asked the little boy
" why do you ask son?"
"Well, you head's coming through your hair"

Ok, I think this one is inoffensive.

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRRRRAAAAAAINNNS

What's up!? Cat got your tongues?
It's 8 days since last post!

" What do you give someone who's got everything?
Broad spectrum anti-biotics!"

Written on my cell wall!

Yay! Rufus! You got one through ? good one too - you Nearly mentioned the 'P' word though ???

Thanks Rufus and the other contributors for a good chuckle!

How are politicians like nappies?

You have to change them frequently and for the same reason!

Naughty Rufus2!
I’ve just discovered a vegan butcher
Really?
Yes, they used to call it the green grocers

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“Ever heard the expression "it's the man who wears the pants in that house!?
Nothing smutty about my pants! Seeing is believing! “

But Rufus “Pants” and “Panties” are different, unless antipodean men wear panties

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Guess it's back to the kids stuff; here's my GDs favourite:

What's Santa's favourite pizza?
Deep pan, crisp & even