How to cope...

This is very confusing about where you are, where you have been and all the intricacies of family. Couldn't ever contemplate moving about so much. So many horrible things happening in US just now glad I don't live there and will never go there!
For what it's worth - men tend to not talk about being suicidal and don't blame it on someone else before they do it. They are silent and just do it. Sounds more like he is playing you.

Exactly jean.
I don't think he is going to be ignored.

When a man says he is suicidal, this should be taken seriously.
I have dealt with many bereaved families: loss by suicide is the worst. Women are more likely to make suicide attempts.

I had a look yesterday and found lots of groups across Arizona supporting people in diferent struggles - I was hoping to find a support group for you to be honest but immediately realised it depends very much where you are.
Mesa, Phoenix etc had both ADD and mental-health treatment and also support groups for example.

Suicide would be awful for everyone - no winners there. I do not need to even voice this do I...

Regarding the job, is it the type of work or the place of work? Maybe this can be resolved? I hope so... We spend so many hours at work that it has a huge impact on our life. Some workplaces are stressful in and of themselves but often it's the people we are working for who cause stress. All this can undermine our self-esteem as well.

Can you have a quiet sit-down with him and see what can and can't be sorted. And speak to him about the medical support he needs as I think you need to help him accept that we need to look after all aspects of our health. He would presumably see a dentist if he had a toothache and a medic with a physical ache that persisted. Now he needs to seek help for this mental ache that is causing so much pain and distress.

It sounds to me that this is a cry for help - but does need to be addressed. If you love him, and he loves you, you will want things to improve not just for yourself but for the other person too.

I do hope you get help.
Thinking of you.

Notspaghetti, not with my grandsons and not working a full time job. We lived in a different state from my daughter for about 4 years before moving near her. Thinking about your question made realize that only when he blows up is when he tells me he is unhappy. Two hours later he’s like nothing happened. He’s lovey dovey so to speak. I guess that’s why I have been slow to move and kinda nervous to find help for him. I don’t want to make him feel like he has a mental illness. But he finally gave me his medical health insurance cards. Because I asked for it, but for some reason I was afraid to ask him. So I’ll start looking for him.

Lita, I think you are in an impossible position at the moment - have you been in this situation before? What resolved it then?
I do hope you get some help for him soon - and support for you too.

Thank you all for your opinion, advice and suggestions and thoughts I appreciate them all.

It sounds from your further posts as though you, your daughter and his son are all suited with the current situation. If your husband hates his job then I suggest he thinks about what other job he would like to do, and how he might realistically achieve this. Aveline has described someone I know! I suspect your husband will never find his ‘perfect place’ and while I wouldn’t dismiss suicidal feelings he shouldn’t use that to control or threaten you. He should speak to his doctor about his low mood and hopefully get some help. I doubt another house move would solve his problems.

I just feel sad that he is asking for help and being told that he needs to help himself;more or less.

Just who said that Loislovesstewie?

If he is on the spectrum then he's not likely to change and the poor OP could find herself dragged from place to place shedding friends and now family as her DH tries unsuccessfully to find the perfect place.
I'm busting my cover now but after decades working with adults with ASD I've heard this story before and always felt so sorry for the wives/partners. The OP needs help herself to support her in this difficult situation.

My stepson is delighted to be in AZ. His mom & step siblings live here. He visits them on his off weekends.

Arizona does vary according to where you are. Phoenix us horrendous in the hotter months (though does have the cultural hub obviously) and a more mixed demographic than parts of AZ.

I don't know if it's the heat of the lack of like-minded people that is making him feel worse? It will already be hot in Arizona, probably 30⁰ or more - unless you're up in the mountains, say Flastaff - and whilst I think I could easily make friends in somewhere like Bisbee, it's hard to make friends when you are stuck in air conditioning during a covid pandemic irrespective of your area.

A number of health schemes aren't available there too so getting help can be a bit of a trawl - my son found this when he moved there but once sorted there were good services, for sure.
I don't think this is a blended family issue. It's a mental ill-health situation.

If you were to move, where would you go? Would your daughter be open to moving?

I can see it's a dilemma. You are definitely piggy in the middle here.
My heart goes out to you.
I hope you too get some support.
Good luck.

The problem is that all too often those who are mentally ill just cannot get the help themselves. There may well be lots of reasons why that doesn't happen but sometimes having anxiety or depression just makes it harder for them to take the first step. In addition, I think there is also a bit of a taboo when it comes to men and mental health. There is still a feeling that 'real men' don't get mentally ill, they are supposed to be strong, 'man-up' etc. not talk about their feelings or say exactly how low they are. Women, on the other hand are allowed to be a bit different, which can itself be a problem. How many times are women called hysterical for example? The end result is that women often get help, but men don't.
Statically, in the UK at least, it's middle-aged men who are more likely to succeed in killing themselves.
I just feel sad that he is asking for help and being told that he needs to help himself;more or less.
I'm just glad that when I was ill someone listened.

What Pippa said was perfectly reasonable, OP needs to seek help and support for herself.

Talk it through with your husband & come up with a plan with an end in sight. You mention being in AZ "for a year or two" so work with him to have an end date)set of circumstances in sight. A compromise if you like. If he hates it so much, what's HIS get out plan then? Work with him. Collaboration is key to make him feel he has some control. Poor chap going to a hateful job every day but what is HE doing to change that?
Good luck & I hope in the end it will work out for all of you.

I don't think I said she should ignore him over the possible mental health issue Loislovesstewie.

It and he obviously need help if he has reached the point of suggesting he would commit suicide and it sounds as if the OP is helping with him getting to a doctor.

If he has reached such a deep stage of depression she needs to know she, alone, cannot make him better and that she may only be able to facilitate his treatment. For this they need experts (not us) on board. She may have empathy but if he is not willing to help himself she needs to hand that part of their challenges over to someone who is qualified to help.

And no, as I did not say what you are suggesting, I would have no different opinion if the roles were reversed. Why would I?

PippaZ

I can't agree that your husband has to come first - why? We don't live in the dark ages and you must make the best decision for you: not your husband and not your daughter. Only then will you be any good for anyone else.

Sadly no one can tell you what that decision needs to be. Only you can know but whichever way you decide you will have some difficult times ahead so I wish you well.

Because if he is having a mental health crisis /issue then his health has to come first. He might well have expressed himself poorly but if he has reached a point of desperation he needs to be listened to and given empathy and practical help.
If it was the woman saying this would you think any differently I wonder?

I can't agree that your husband has to come first - why? We don't live in the dark ages and you must make the best decision for you: not your husband and not your daughter. Only then will you be any good for anyone else.

Sadly no one can tell you what that decision needs to be. Only you can know but whichever way you decide you will have some difficult times ahead so I wish you well.

I think you should get some support for yourself, womans aid my be helpful, whilst it is clear that your husband needs help, making someone do things under the threat of suicide is controlling behaviour, please speak to someone.

Grass is always greener somewhere else? Sounds like it, hence the regular moves. How fair is it to expect you to up sticks so often and lose friendships and be unable to put down roots? Your own mental health will be at risk soon.
I suspect that he won't change any time soon. I suspect that the OP knows that.

Being on the spectrum, he may find change difficult. People on the spectrum also have higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide. What help are you seeking for him?

I’m currently looking for doctors that take his insurance. He asked me to do it since I’m home all day. I don’t have an issue on helping him. I want to help him.

Before our move to Arizona, we had moved to Oregon on his suggestion. We were there for 9 months. Prior to that we lived in Hawaii (14 years) moved there from California, again his suggestion. We did not make any real friends in Oregon. I made a lot of close friends in Hawaii, that I dearly miss. I have a 25 yo stepson he may never be able to live on his own. He’s capable of holding a job and cook for himself. He has mild autism or on the spectrum.

Whatever the plan, your husband is now having a mental health crisis and needs urgent intervention. Can you take him to see his doctor? If he's actively threatening suicide, ER.

It was his suggestion to move here to help her. We are stable financially. I do get paid $200.00 a week and I put that towards our future move. This was his plan just that what we are doing. But now he makes me feel like I put us here. The plan was to help her, live here for a year or two. But I feel that like this is not healthy for either of us.