DD is the noisy neighbour!

My thoughts exactly Bumblebee..... I have an autistic daughter, and she is now 18, she used to scream about having to put on socks with seams in (because it was uncomfortable, and intolerable for her to wear) but less painful than wearing shoes that rub without socks, having to brush her hair (again not nice for autistic) She had melt downs every morning about going to school, because of the fear of "strangers", too many people, too much noise.. It used to give her a panic attack, social phobia, and anxiety... That poor mum has enough to deal with without the neighbours making her life worse! And if you think listening to a child with autism is harrowing, just think how it is that it is your child, you can do nothing to stop the meltdown and have people give you filthy looks and talk about you and complain..... Try coping with no sleep, and constant worry for your child, and fighting for their educational and human rights, trying to do your best as a mum, and having neighbours complain... Just as a note autistic people are entitled to their right to life, they are entitled to express themselves as they wish, and they are protected by disability law which allows them to be themselves, that includes the normal meltdowns, which is normal for the autistic.... The neighbour has no right to silence during the day, she could complain, but if she did the fact that the child is autistic and can't help meltdowns would go against the neighbour.

Your daughter should not apologise. Her neighbours will see that as an admission that she is in the wrong, which she is not.

She should explain that her one child is autistic and the other is dealing with severe anxiety at the moment.

This means there may be more noise at time than either she or the neighbours care for, but is unavoidable and she is working on solving the problems.

She could mention that she fully understands that working nights mean you sleep during the day, but that is not her problem. Anyone who works at night must surely realise that other people live their lives during the day.

A reasonable amount of noise whether of children playing, crying, lawns being mown or vacuuming or power tools being used during the day is to be expected and that no-one can or should complain about this.

It would be a great help to her if her neighbours were more understanding.

After that she needs to ignore their complaints because if the level of noise from her home is as you describe it, which I am sure it is, her neighbours have absolutely no grounds for complaint.

I can't help but wonder if the next-door neighbour would be less aggressive if there were a partner on the scene. Some men take the opportunity to throw their weight around if faced with a single woman.

I feel deeply for you daughter. A few years ago I was victim of a complaining couple who took their untrue complaints to the council three times. I am a strong woman but it really affected me to the extent that a letter with the council logo on it still makes me feel slightly sick. Eventually the man of the couple came and hammered on my door and shouted at me and I made an official complaint to the police and spoke to the council about the harassment. They of course could not confirm that the man who had shouted at me was the complainant but as a reult of my conversation with them, they did confirm that both previous complaints had failed because the complainants had never produced noise diaries. They also have now changed their practice and the person being complained about is now not even contacted until a noise diary has been completed and the council have confirmed for themselves that there actually is a problem.
sorry...long diversion....my point is that if the neighbours are harassing her she should be calling the police and making a complaint and getting a crime number and TELLING the neighbour that she has done so. Is she getting any support for her children's problems? If so then she could discuss the complaint issue with whoever is supporting her?

Think your DD needs to take a robust approach to this. Her neighbour is being unreasonable and trying to control her. Only way to deal with this kind of bully is not to back down.
If at all possible I’d move DS into a room that is on the opposite side to the neighbours so morning meltdowns are at least muted which will lower the stress levels? Evenings when her DD is struggling to sleep - tough. At that hour the neighbour can to use earplugs or put the radio on. It’s probably not even that bad. Sitting out with friends having a chat and it’s before 9 pm - again, tough. If the neighbours need excessive quiet then they need to move to a detached house in middle of nowhere (and then they’d be woken up by birdsong at 5.30 am every morning and still complain.) Your DD needs to stand firm on this one. And btw her children’s medical diagnosis are not anyone’s business especially her neighbours. Anyway lots of kids are very noisy. Just the way it is!

We live next to two small children aged 3 & 5, I love hearing them run around the garden laughing, shouting and having fun. Last week we were enjoying the sun in the garden and got soaked by the kids waterpistols! They got into such trouble with Mum & Dad but we laughed it off, it was only water. We sometimes hear the kids meltdowns but they don’t last long. I find having a good relationship with neighbours helps so you can talk to them if anything is a problem. Our house is up for sale ( nothing to do with the neighbours) and it backs onto a primary school fields, some viewers hate that and worry about noise. We love hearing them play - we must be odd ?

GrannyRose15

I'd be very cautious about explaining your children's special needs to these unreasonable people. They are unlikley to understand.

Try to ignore them., if possible without falling out. Say sorry in a casual way if they complain but don't offer to keep the noise down because you can't. Your children are children and need space to behave like children - no apologies necessary.

My neighbour is always apologising for the noise her family makes - I hardly hear them and anyway if I did I'd accept it - I love hearing the sound of children (except when they're screaming of course) and would never complain that it was too much.

This was my thought as well people your grandchildren’s medical diagnosis is no one else’s business.

GrannyRose15

I'd be very cautious about explaining your children's special needs to these unreasonable people. They are unlikley to understand.

Try to ignore them., if possible without falling out. Say sorry in a casual way if they complain but don't offer to keep the noise down because you can't. Your children are children and need space to behave like children - no apologies necessary.

My neighbour is always apologising for the noise her family makes - I hardly hear them and anyway if I did I'd accept it - I love hearing the sound of children (except when they're screaming of course) and would never complain that it was too much.

I actually agree with this, if the neighbours are so unreasonable, it could actually give them more "ammunition" so to speak.
I would also carry on as normal and if anything is said again - apologise.
Another brief thought is would it be possible to do any sort of soundproofing of the party wall....if you think this could continue and/or escalate.
I do know of someone who did this in a room and it wasn't hugely expensive.

I'd be very cautious about explaining your children's special needs to these unreasonable people. They are unlikley to understand.

Try to ignore them., if possible without falling out. Say sorry in a casual way if they complain but don't offer to keep the noise down because you can't. Your children are children and need space to behave like children - no apologies necessary.

My neighbour is always apologising for the noise her family makes - I hardly hear them and anyway if I did I'd accept it - I love hearing the sound of children (except when they're screaming of course) and would never complain that it was too much.

When we first married we rented a first floor flat, where the landlady lived on the ground floor. Our bedroom was over her living room and our living room was over her bedroom and as both households had roughly similar rising and going to bed times, there shouldn't have been a problem, but it was.
But life in the flat was an endless stream of complaints about noise. We were at work all day, often away at weekends, didn't have a tv. Occasionally we would have a couple of friends round for a meal on Sunday lunch time, but essentially she wanted the money from renting out the flat, but would have preferred it if we had actually lived elsewhere. According to her we always slammed the front door, made a noise going upstairs, ran baths at 9.00pm, could be heard walking around in the flat. Our friends were noisy - ordinary conversation on a weekend lunchtime. It was endless.

In the end we bought a house 18 months earlier than we had intended, gave our notice in and left. We met the new tenants when they came to view the flat and got the feeling that they were unlikely to be as amenable to suppressing every sound of their existence as we were.

My daughter’s neighbour started complaining the day DD moved in. She told her landlord they had been using power tools very late at night. They didn’t have any tools! This went on for months. It was a ruse to push for a rent reduction.

I would consider that all the moving back and forth isn’t good for your granddaughter.

Your daughter isn’t doing anything wrong and she needs to shine her spine and stand up for herself and her children.

Obviously when someone complains about something, it needs to be given thought and examination , but it is quite acceptable and not uncommon to reach the conclusion that the complaint is unjistified.

I think in this case it is, but I can understand that for a mother on her own with two children with special needs, it could be the final straw.

So there's two meltdowns a day, the first one for 15 minutes only? Your DD's neighbours should just be glad they don't have to deal with it themselves. I might explain to my neighbours that they have special needs and hope they understand. If they don't, too bad for them. That's a small amount of noise to deal with. One of those things you deal with when you have neighbours with children.

Monica, the neighbour on the other side of my DD’s neighbours is a single woman who is often away from home because of work so they won’t hear much from her.

Some people are like that, they complain about anything and everything. As it is a terrace house, Has your DD asked the person in the house the other side of the complainer whether they are having problems with them, I expect they are.

Otherwise just speak or write t the complainer, point out that the excess nosie is at specific times for limited periods and what the problem is - then leave it at that.

Thank you all for your kind responses. DD is gearing up to returning to her home in a few weeks, certainly before half term as we have the decorators in then. At least, DGD’s panics are becoming farther apart as things are becoming more normal in the world. This lockdown has been a tenth of their lives and it has certainly taken its toll.
My DD has apologised and been nothing but polite to neighbour so I feel proud of her for that but it has knocked her confidence a lot.

It must be horrible for your DD. I am very sympathetic. I think lots of people have become extra intolerant because of covid. Maybe when they can get out more they will become more reasonable again.
I live next to a residential home for adults with learning disabilities and when the sun shines and they are outside, there can be a lot of shouting. I would never dream of complaining because I understand it but a df came to have tea in my garden and he heard the shouting and was afraid someone was being hurt. He told me he wouldn't like it at all.

I know a child having an autistic meltdown is harrowing to listen to but what is mum supposed to do............gag him or something? Of course not, it is just one of those things that can’t be helped and has to be endured.

Maybe but surely it does not go on for hours.

I grew up as part of a large, and no doubt noisy, family. I’ve lived next door to a large noisy family. It’s all part of life. Your daughter’s neighbour is being very unreasonable. I’d probably say sorry if he complains on any occasion but there really isn’t anything your daughter could be expected to do about it. I’m so sorry she doesn’t feel safe in her own home.

No, a child having an autistic meltdown is not 'children playing' and it is harrowing to listen to.

Your daughter should ignore the neighbours, she is doing nothing wrong.

Noises to complain about do not include children playing or being upset, neither does talking in her garden to a friend qualify as a ‘noise nuisance’.

Her neighbour need to be told to stop harassing her, if the wife works nights then she has to make arrangements to keep the noise out.

If your DD was having late parties, late night DIY then that would be different.

Some people hate to hear children at all, it sounds as though her neighbour is one of these people.

Has your daughter explained to the neighbours about her children's difficulties? She should ask if she could go round and really explain what is causing the problem and how she deals with it and what is being done. They may not want to know, but sometimes people genuinely don't understand, and it may be worth a try.

There are only two options. Your daughter could move house or put up with the complaining neighbours unless you want to continue with them living with you.

It is time to make a decision and then work towards it, debating the rights and wrongs is not going to change anything.