Grandchildren

That may not be the best thing to do Edge26 your grandson may misbehave whilst he is outside with you and put himself in danger. You need him to know that there are times when 'no' is necessary.
You really need to agree on how to deal with issues with your daughter.

Why would you decide not to ask your daughter? It is very possibly something that could be easily sorted out with neither side 'right' or 'wrong' - just seeing things differently.

Thank you for all your kind comments. I now think what I said wasn't that bad but i think in future I will keep my comments to myself as I don't want to cause any upset but will mention if GS is being naughty and let her deal with.

'My house, my rules' only works so far, though. It's fine when it's about allowing them to eat in the sitting room, or watch TV at lunchtime, but when it comes to matters of principle, I can't agree that it's a good idea.

I didn't want my children to be defined in terms of their behaviour, so I would say 'that was a naughty thing to do', or 'do you think it would be kinder to your sister to let her share?' or whatever. I didn't want them to be told 'you are a naughty girl/boy', or 'you are unkind/selfish', which is how my mother was used to speaking to children.

I had to be very firm about it, and I know she was rolling her eyes at what she saw as my being unreasonable/indulgent, but it mattered to me because of how I was brought up.

I wonder if there is a similar issue going on here? Without asking the daughter, though, the OP will never know what she 'did wrong'.

Don’t worry about it.
I find ‘stop, we don’t do that here’ works well

I’ve seen

Antonia

What is all this 'apologising to children' nonsense?
Many parents nowadays are afraid of proper discipline, never say 'no,' tiptoe around young children, and apologise for telling children off, even when the poor behaviour clearly warrants it.
No wonder there are so many problems when the children are teenagers.

I agree too, although I ‘be seen people chastised for saying things like that, me included, on other threads.

My DH delightful grandmother always told the story of her grandparents shouting"Will you keep the buggering bairn quiet". Not acceptable now but was in the early 20th century. It did not harm her for life.
I keep to the same rules as Grandma jean:"my house my rules your house your rules", children know when we are pussyfooting around them. They need firm boundaries and rules. Says retired school teacher.

Those are my rules too Chewbacca I am indulgent with them but have always maintained "My house , my rules " and their parents are happy with this.

My DC and I have come up with a system regarding GC that works very well for us: when in their house their rules apply. When in my house, my rules apply. It seems to work well enough for the GC as they ask to come here all the time!

Spot on Antonia.
Can`t add to that.

What is all this 'apologising to children' nonsense?
Many parents nowadays are afraid of proper discipline, never say 'no,' tiptoe around young children, and apologise for telling children off, even when the poor behaviour clearly warrants it.
No wonder there are so many problems when the children are teenagers.

Good grief, I’m sure I’ve said that, or something like it, “ can you please stop shouting, you’re giving me a headache”.
If your daughter is more concerned about what you said, than her son’s behaviour, perhaps it’s time to rethink the babysitting!

I tend to agree with shelflife but I wonder if your daughter was concerned you were getting stressed caring for your grandson edge26

Edge 26 if your daughter is unhappy with what you said then she should look elsewhere for childcare! If that is all your daughter is concerned about she should be very grateful!! In the grand scheme of things this is a very minor issue. I have taken care of all my grandchildren and my daughter's have trusted me completely. You have said nothing wrong and your daughter should appreciate the love and protection you give her child . If she finds your attitude impossible - she knows what to do !!! Lots of nurseries and other child care facilities about. Don't feel bad about this , your GS can take such a minor comment - it's hardly the crime if the century!

Why not ask your daughter what it was that she didn't like about what you said?

People have different flashpoint with things like this, but unless you know what the ground rules are you can't be expected to follow them.

FWIW, I am certain that I said worse to my children, but that counts for nothing, really - it's how your daughter feels that matters.

Not wrong at all. I've told mine to be quieter more than once. In fact on Sunday we had a few members of the family round and had been in the garden. However we had to go back inside because the noise of the children and our barking dogs was driving me insane. Goodness knows what the neighbours thought.

"Be good" is very vague and doesn't say what you do need. Something like, "Gma has a headache, I need you to play quietly as I need some quiet time" might work better. I don't think it's a big deal though.

The problem with that statement is that the child doesnt know how to correct his behaviour

I would mention to him again: dont do this because.... it is not safe/healthy/ polite, try this instead.

If I’m in sole charge - I tell my gc to behave/be good if they are being loud/ rude/ thoughtless mean etc. I explain the behaviour I don’t like and why. I also make a point of praising their positive behaviour too- as soon as possible after “telling them off”
I wouldn’t say you’re “giving me a headache” unless it was true. (I can understand why you said this - to try & make a 4 year old understand their behaviour was not good for you)
If my daughter is around I leave the reprimands to her, but sometimes make a comment in her support so the children know we’re both not pleased with whatever. We do the same with good behaviour too- telling them we’re very pleased about.... whatever!

So Edge26, what you said to your GS is pale, compared to what I said ?

When my granddaughter was about 2and a half, she cried for what seemed like hours, for her mum . Nothing I said or did would calm her. Finally, I shouted and said “stop crying, mummy won’t be coming now, so get back to sleep “ - thinking about it now, it seems so cruel. Eventually she did let me cuddle her and sing her to sleep. But till today, I feel such guilt. She is 18 years old now.?

One of my daughters didn’t like the fact that I’d disciplined one of her children while she was staying with us. I might add that she was being absolutely horrible, my daughter expected me to apologise to her, and there was I thinking it should have been the other way around.

He is nearly 4, my Daughter heard me say it when I was dropping him off , but didn't question me until later.

If your GS is old enough to report back to his mum, then he is old enough to accept that his misbehavior is causing you a headache. He needs to learn your rules while you are watching him.

Agree with V3ra that your daughter needs to communicate what would be acceptable.