Children’s upbringing - do you have regrets?

Perhaps another way of looking at this is to focus on them now, and ask if they are good people (whatever that means)?

They got into scrapes and sometimes fell short of my expectations, but they always knew they were supported and loved, and always supportive of me in the bad times - and, in middle age, they still are. Like all parents, I made mistakes, but these are in the past and as things are at present, I can say that my children are also my friends.

Yes, I made mistakes, but when we’ve talked about it my two see things differently from me and say they were perfectly happy. So, maybe it’s me looking back with experience gained since, as long as they’re happy, I’m happy and that will never change.

The majority of parent starts witt the best intentions and usually get it wrong at sometime or another and, to be honest, I see no point in worrying about it after the event as there is nothing you can do about it.

As adults we can just hope that whatever our failings, our children still love us. My children, both now heading for 50, still seem to enjoy our company, DD suggested a weekend away together as the perfect birthday present and the first thing DS and family did, when lockdown ended and half term arrived was to spend the whole of the half term week with us. So as far as I am concerned it is mission accomplished.

Mind you, we have been fortunate, no marital breakdowns, family catastrophes and other events that no one can foresee, but which can sandbag the best of families, without warning.

You don't get a manual along with upbringing children. Most of the time it's carried out by example of how you were brought up.
Both my parents tended to have some past Victorian values which obviously at the time I wouldn't have recognised being young. Both were strict, so I was too when I had a family, but not wholly so as my parents had been.

Manners/ respect counted for a lot. Interaction with the children is important too and as a family with 4 children, doing things together mattered, whether it was playing games ( educational, of course ) or going for walks.

Love in my day was having a full tum. clean clothes at all times and a nice clean bed. There was no hugging etc, praises went to my brother but it didn't appear to bother me, realising now that he was the most lovable out of the two of us as my interest were more in the line of eating and playing out----a more serious subject too rather than any fuss displayed.

When my first GD was born nearly 36 years ago I was obviously delighted and I gave her far more leeway than I or her mother and siblings had----but it didn't pay off sadly. This is the one who lost her partner last year and she's gone totally off the rails like an entitled spoilt brat.

I can only show patience for so long, though I blame myself to a degree but I never thought she'd end up the way she has----just like all the other slobs. I'm past being heartbroken, it's now turned to anger.

All children are different and a firm hand is needed in some children who you feel could take advantage of any kindness and love towards them as it gets thrown back in your face.
GD was very wilful as a child and did what she wanted to do and as a 4/5 year old at the time, I'd allowed her to be naughty. Thinking back she should have had what I got as a child----slapped legs.
Would it have made a difference ? I don't know.

I would hazard a guess that she now has a personality disorder mixing with the dross of society who at one time she used to condemn. She has managed to turn all our lives upside down. The thanks you get for sparing the rod and spoiling the child !

I do regret my children witnessing my estranged husbands behaviour over twenty eight years ago. They had limited weekly time with him he usually took them out.
My son was older so witnessed more and but kept things from me. He didn’t want to cause trouble but he did pluck up the courage and tell me his father was drinking and driving.
I stopped his contact all together through family court after a long struggle. They erased their biological father from their lives. I remarried and when they turned 18 they changed their surname to my husbands. They consider my husband is the only dad they have ever had and I know we are appreciated.

A perfect parent - none of us are. A good enough parent is all we can hope for IMO !
We all make mistakes along the way but I see no point in regrets.
DS and I have a great relationship as I do with DIL and DGD. That said, once he has a sherry or two he will remind me of the times I was a pain in the ass !

*We seem to be inundated with people digging up old grievances and airing them in public.

The petulant Harry of course springs to mind, and now it appears Starmer is at it too!*
He didn't at all! His love for his father shone through, and he answered a direct question about their relationship (what else was he supposed to do?). What he said was that his father had been unable to voice his pride in his son, because of his own upbringing, and that he was trying to ensure that he did not do the same with his own children.

Anyway. As regards my own children, yes, there are things I wish I had done differently, and some things that I regret. I think the 'I did everything for the best' argument is a bit difficult. My own mother says this to excuse the fact that my sister and I had very difficult childhoods, and I'm afraid it makes me feel worse. If she really thought that some of the things she did were for the best, it compounds the pain that I still feel about them.

When I think back to myself as a mother, I think, as humans, we have times when we are tired, crabby, ill, preoccupied, all sorts of things, and at times we really can't be bothered to deal patiently with the constant demands of young children, or the trying nature of teenagers. We also just Get Things Wrong. I know that I loved them, and that we had a lot of good times. I also know that I wasn't perfect - I don't know a parent who was.

As others have said of theirs, my children have grown up into lovely caring adults, and both have (separately) said that they were brought up to be non-racist, to see people as equal, to pull their weight in all things, so whatever I did wrong, it's good to know that I have also done some things right.

All my children are now parents themselves and are slowly reflecting on and revising their understanding of their own childhoods. One of my children has a child who behaves very much like she did at the same age and she now commends me for my patience with her! ?

Juliet27

I think if I’d been happier in my marriage I’d have been a better mum to my two lovely children.

Oh this yes I can relate to !

My mother didn’t do praise . She also commented on physical defects eg my legs were too fat to wear shorts . I still have issues about being too fat when friends tell me I am slim.
She played all of us against each other. I have to finally admit I neither liked nor loved her.
My dad was lovely,
I think I was too bad tempered as a mother but both sons have nothing but praise for their upbringing. DS1. Was a bit of nightmare teenager but is delightful now.

I didn’t watch the programme but what is wrong with keir starter saying his father didn’t praise or encourage him?

I think possibly I was a bit too strict at times. But they have both grown up to be very decent hard-working people.
Parents learn as they go along, it's not an easy job. I don't think we should be too hard on ourselves.

I am sure we can all look back and realise we could have handled certain situations better. My eldest was the difficult one and I felt I never got it quite right as I didn't really understand how she felt.
We are now very close and we have talked things through.
She has no children of her own and says she doesn't want them.

We have just spent the weekend with our DS who spent a long time telling us what admiration he has for us now that he has children of his own. He told us what wonderful parents we were.
I am not sure we always were but it is nice to be appreciated.

I think if I’d been happier in my marriage I’d have been a better mum to my two lovely children.

I have said to my son on a few occasions that I think I was unnecessarily hard on him when he was growing up. He says it didn’t do him any harm and he probably deserved it, but he never had a lot of confidence and I feel that I am to blame for that. To add insult to his injury, as a service family, it was necessary to send him away to school and while he’s always said he enjoyed it, I know that he missed being part of the family for so long. I wish I had that time over again.

We were young parents and I know must have made many mistakes.Everything was a financial struggle but to be honest the DC were spoilt by family and we didn't instill enough about savings and appreciation of their possessions.As young children were given every opportunity to follow sports and hobbies and very successful in their achievements with promising futures BUT once into teenage yrs rebelled and did own thing.Poor exam results leading to low paid jobs and in later yrs when friends returned from Uni with gap yrs and well paid jobs brought it home what they could have achieved.They have had more debt than any student loan.I can say hand on heart they have made fantastic Dads but still I feel some sort of responsibility for their failings.

I could have written the same Kim19.
I was always praised by my parents and told off when i needed to be.
And my love for them has never wained,sadly they are both gone.

I had my kids late at 37 and 39, and did get very tired and grumpy. I remember being furious when I was cooking with my daughter and she cracked the egg all over the table and floor, I lost patience When I volunteered in reception years and years later, we did 'cooking' and I vowed to be a lot more patient with my grandchildren. It's a steep learning curve.

As an addendum to my last post I should add that most children have two parents and I mention only the mums because the first parent is a single mum and her son never met his father and in the second I never discussed the situation with the dad so I don’t know his views.

I wish I’d tried to enforce tidiness! But then I’m not a naturally tidy person myself. Their teen bedrooms were like war zones on a bad day. I used to have to tell (tidy) dh to shut the doors and not look. He did once say that if we ever moved house, we could forget wardrobes/chests of drawers for them - the floor was evidently enough.

On the whole no, though, but then I think we were very lucky in having relatively very easy dds. We never had Terrible Twos or Nightmare Teens, either.

nanna8 your post echoes something of my own experience of parenting. There are 19 years between my eldest (of five) and the youngest and it would be very disappointing if I’d learned nothing during those years.

I know only two parents who say they brought up their children exactly as they wished and they have no regrets; one of them simply raised hers with ‘benign neglect’ (my opinion, but she agrees), but showered him with material things. Now in his 30s his behaviour is incredibly selfish and he has trouble sustaining relationships, which pleases his mum because she ‘doesn’t like competition’. The other parent has three lovely children who are all in stable relationships and are very nice people - so maybe she really did get parenting absolutely right.

It got better as time went on. I had no clue with my first child but by the time I had my fourth I was a lot more relaxed and had sorted out the important stuff from what didn’t really matter. The first daughter,who was ‘difficult’ anyway, copped all sorts of rubbish and ill tempered remarks on my part. I was young and clueless basically. By the time I had my fourth I was 31 and I had also fostered children so it was all much easier. Still, they grew up alright.

I imagine most parents wonder if they made mistakes - I do. Unless parents make monumental mistakes then I hope adult children can overlook that and know how much they are loved! We do what we can at the time . I imagine that as our children parent our grandchildren that will begin to understand that we don't always get it right.

I had no experience of being an adult child so found navigating this stage quite hard - I wanted to be the background support but not intrude on their lives so probably stood back more than I should have done. They both say they were grateful for affectionate but not indulgent childhoods so we probably got most thing right. They are certainly parenting in a similar way.

Life is full of regrets. The what-iffs. I wish I could have been more openly demonstrative with my children but coming from a home where mid C20 stiff upper lip prevailed it was not easy. Of course I loved and cuddled my kids and wanted the best for them but I always felt there was a bit of a wall between us. Probably my inner inadequacy rearing its ugly head. I must have done reasonably ok as they have all become brilliant, loving Mums to my 8 GC. They’ve all been so caring, patient and attentive since their Dad died so I must have got something right. It would be interesting to turn back the clock and have another crack at it with the benefit of hindsight