Children’s upbringing - do you have regrets?

AnnieB it is too easy to be wise after the event and then beat yourself up about things you could not possibly have known at the time.

You were a kind and loving mother who gave yourself to your daughters in very difficult circumstances. That is everything they could have wanted.

Both my DDiL and my DM lost their fathers at similar ages to your 2 daughters and each family was a mother and 2 girls. Both can look and recognise problems they have that arise from that, but for both their main memory is of a loving mother doing her best to be both mother and father to he 2 daughters.

You did everything you could within the context of the time they spent their childhood in, no-one could ask or expect more.

Annieb

My husband died when our daughters were 5 and 7, so a one parent family , we were very close. But since my darling elder daughter died 3 years ago, she took her life, I can’t stop thinking did I do something wrong, she was diagnosed with bi polar in her thirties, and one of my sisters said I had spoilt her from birth,! I know I didn’t cause her to have bi polar but did I miss any signs when she was younger, she was always bubbling with energy and so loving, but thinking now of her levels of energy, her madcap antics when in school,

Shropshirelass
I agree, your own circumstances very much determines the way you are with your own children.
I do feel guilty about my oldest, I was never unkind, but I was never shown any affection, so I didn’t feel natural being affectionate.
It was my husband, and probably his parents, who showed me that being loving and kind is more normal than being cold and distant.
Now I am the most loving and affectionate granny you could imagine.

I wish I had been more encouraging and given praise more often. But as with others on here, the philosophy of the day was 'spare the rod and spoil the child'.

I admire the way my DiLs deal with the GCs on the whole, though I expect they will make some mistakes, as do we all.

Yes, I have regrets. With hindsight I would have done a lot of things differently but what you are going through yourself at the time has a huge bearing and also what support you have. My parents were wonderful but I was a single parent and know that I did my best (my violent ex was constantly causing problems for me), but in spite of that my three children have grown up to be strong and very independent, they are successful in their own right so maybe I didn’t do as badly as I feel?

DiscoDancer1975

There’s always things we could have done better, but we did what was right at the time, and with the best intentions.

Yes there is a lot regret about parenting my only much loved child.I was always the one laying down the rules.
I Gwen soon realised I wasn’t a natural mum and couldn’t wait to get out to work,very selfish,on my part and it unsettled my child through most of the primary school years.
She had a lovely relationship with her Nan and her dad and still does but is often distant with me.she says she loves me but I feel she holds back.
I love her so much but regret the early years and now spend too much time trying and failing to make up for it.

I think I improved with each child, with my oldest I literally learned on the job, I was young, on my own and very unhappy, but I was also fairly proud, so I always did my best, but honestly, that wasn’t always good enough.
Things changed for me and the next one I really enjoyed, I was much more loving and affectionate, and I suppose I was learning to be a mother, baby three, I think I was a very good mother.
That’s not to say I haven’t made numerous mistakes, some with lasting consequences, but we are all still very close.
Would I change some things? In a heartbeat, but we are where we are, they have always been loved, probably a bit spoiled, we have always been there for them, we still are, but I’d like another go at it knowing what I know now.

No one is perfect. We do our best on the day. No one can see the future. As long as we act with love it's enough

I think as a busy working Mum I said ‘don’t cry about it’ and ‘get a grip’ far too many times, but despite not being a perfect Mum they’ve grown into lovely happy adults who have good relationships and careers - Dad had a lot to do with that too of course, even though he was just as busy as me.
I’m a totally different grandma - I have time to play silly games and give lots of cuddles, patience when it’s needed and I never say don’t cry or get a grip!

I wouldn't know where to start with my regrets, there are so many. I suffer from several mental health conditions that led to my having problems maintaining relationships not to mention making poor choices in relationships. Sadly this resulted in my oldest two children having extremely chaotic childhoods as well as seeing me in situations that no child should see.

My parenting skills varied with extremes, one day the model mother, a role model to be proud of but the following day what would now be classed as an abusive (not physical), approach, the only guarantee was variety. I did and do love them and as I've aged I've also found some degree of continuity and with modern treatments my condition has to a great degree stabilised. My relationship with these two is now really good and we support one another.

My youngest an age gap child, had the benefit of home stability. She had the benefit of a mother and a father, I was well, and she was enabled to enjoy a really full life. I think we spoilt her but whatever the cause, to say she loathes me (and her Dad), is an understatement.

All so sad

i dont think we did anything special with our two girls but, seeing them now, in their forties with children of their own, I feel really proud of how they have turned out, surely, partly due to how we brought them up

Of course we all make mistakes when we bring up pour children, but do I have regrets? I don't think I do. Children learn all sorts of lessons from their parents and one - a valuable one - is that no-one is perfect; that adults get things wrong sometimes.

Praise as a child?.......I don't think so! Just not what happened in those days - control was the name of the game.

I agree! We must all have regrets, that’s normal, but on the other hand as you have said, look at the results…you do reap what you sew and relationships continue to develop beyond childhood. There was a really interesting discussion on Womans Hour last week about motherhood and being a good enough parent, being a ‘perfect’ parent brings its own issues, life isn’t perfect!
It sounds like you have fantastic, loving in laws with a great ability to self reflect. We need to be kind to ourselves too. ?

Why this thread? people dont get a handbook how to parent they do their best, so why the need to beat yourself up over how wonderful or bad you think you were!

Me too NanKate, I never went back a 2nd time, I was a young mum and feel I failed my daughter in many ways? We continue to have a very fractious relationship, often not speaking for a long time, currently 15th months.

I adore my grandchildren, 19 and 23 they are apples of my eyes. Both have lived with me from time to time because of troubles and messy divorce including stays at refuges etc. I hope my daughter finds peace and happiness one day.

I am tormented by thoughts of the mistakes I made rearing my three children. Mine was a single parent family: we were impoverished and my mother was disabled. She did her best but we were brought up to “ know our place”. Consequently I lacked ambition when I had to leave school at 16. I thought everyone was better than me. I was far too strict with my own children but backed them to the hilt where education was concerned. My biggest regret is smacking the troublesome son. I was smacked and hit as a child and I suppose I reacted similarly because I lacked knowledge of child rearing, having been fostered out several times when my mother was in hospital to people who didn’t want to look after me. I’m writing my memoir and I hope my children read it after my death with understanding. Oh dear, I sound rather sorry for myself, I’m not, I’ve been very fortunate in adulthood which has made up for an unhappy childhood. Don’t beat yourselves up mothers, we did our best.

I have small regrets. Often silly things that I've probably exaggerated in my head as I look back.
On the whole, however, my children have turned into lovely young people - all have good jobs, their own homes and 3 out of 4 of them are in permanent relationships.
All of them visit regularly and will tell me to sit down while they make me a cuppa! They rummage through my fridge and cake tins but always have done.
I am proud of them all.
Life is too short for regrets - trivial or otherwise.

I have regrets certainly. My older son was quite "difficult" and as I was quite an immature mother, I didn't handle him in the right way. I wish I had done a lot of things differently, but they have turned out pretty well and seem quite fond of me!

Several of you seem to judge your parenting skills by the academic success of your DC. Surely there is more to life than that!
I am reassured by my wonderful DGC. I cannot praise them highly enough and by association their parents - all their parents.
Someone must have got something right
They are without exception, kind, thoughtful and eager to help others.
I certainly have regrets especially with my first born. I expected far too much from him even as a small child. By the time of my youngest I was more relaxed.

I remember my teenage daughter screaming "I hate you, you're a LOUSY mother!" and me screaming back "I never had any lessons in how to do this, I'm making it up as I go along!"
And isn't that the nub of it? Our only example is our own parenting, which may have been good or bad: we can't go to parenting lessons, we can only try to do what we think is right. I don't believe any parent who says they have no regrets - but we shouldn't regret trying to be the best parents we could. It's the hardest job in the world.

My mum wasn’t tactile at all, never told us she loved us but we knew she’d walk over hot coals for us if needed. I understood this but my sister to this day blames her for her lack of being able toshow affection.
I remember reading that it is acceptable to blame your parents for any of your inadequacies up to the age of 25. After that you should have learnt by it.
My son blamed my husband for his lack of confidence because he never told him how well he did at school and Uni. He is a successful Lawyer now so can’t have affected him so much.
Parents do the best they can. Children don’t come with a handbook so we all cross out fingers and hope we are doing it right.

I do have lots of regrets regarding my role as a mother. I was too harsh, too strict, etc etc.Too late now. Just hope they will remember me with a bit of kindness ...

I too have regrets, it's part of parenthood. I think if I went back I would just make different mistakes.

Benign neglect.

I wasn't a very maternal mother but I did my best, I suppose I could have been more demonstrative, but we weren't that kind of family.

My younger son has four children who I think over fusses them, and the other son hasn't any.

They both turned out okay so I must have done something right!