Friend with terminal illness - what to do.

I would ring and ask is it ok if we pop in to see you both?

Whilst your friend is talking and relatively mobile he may want to see folks and live as normally as possible.

MND is a very cruel disease especially towards the end, make the most of the time you have with your friend.

I'm sorry to hear this I think you need to just ask if they would like visitors and accept what they decide either way. You don't have to stay away if they haven't told you to.

*GG13 is right, ring up and ask if they would like a visit, what would be a good length of time if so, and say that you expect them to throw you out if they get tired. It is a terrible situation and everyone will react differently, but if it were me, I would want to see as many friends as I could cope with, and I wouldn't want anyone tiptoeing around the diagnosis.

I would see if they mind you popping up for an afternoon. You don't need to stay.

My husband most appreciated the friends who just carried on as normal. Came over to watch the football, rang about work problems, continued to share the hobby.

After explaining the diagnosis he didn’t want to discuss it any more or talk about it’s progress. He found people who did a bit of a bore.

His least favourite people were the ones who just ‘left him alone’. Like he’d already passed out of their lives.

I would ask his wife. If there are any problems with him having visitors it will be her that has to cope with them.

MND can be very lonely. DD had a work colleague who developed it. He lived alone and in the end was reduced to emailing ex colleagues asking for food because he had none. I think they eventually managed to have him moved to a hospice but it's grim without family and friends.

There has been a fair amount of publicity about MND on the BBC because of three sportsmen who are all affected. They have become great friends and support each other. Watching items about them they all seem to say keeping in touch with people has helped not only themselves but their families.

I would want people to visit and would certainly go to see a friend in similar situation. As suggested just give a call and ask if it's ok to visit as obviously he will have good days and bad days.

You need to be lead by what they want to do, and remember that it can change daily.

As others have said, phone before going to see them so they have the option of declining a visit. Some days will be worse than others so if they say 'not today' don't take it that that means tomorrow will be a no as well.

I agree with*B9*, phone or message/text asking what would be a convenient time to come and visit. It's difficult to be 'normal' when you know someone's dying, but he's not dying yet so after saying how sad you are to hear the news, leave the subject alone unless he wants to discuss it at length.
A friend of mine's father liked nothing better than to tell us all the possible scenarios of the future progress of the disease. It was very hard to listen to him listing every possible horrendous outcome time and time again, the same old conversation. The exact same words, over and over.
If we changed the subject he'd return to it.
For some reason it seemed to give him comfort.
So listen.

Please just continue to be friends as you have been all along. Your friend has the most shocking diagnosis from which there is no escape, but I'm sure he will want to live as normally as possible for as long as possible. While he can still speak intelligibly, he will enjoy chatting with you and other friends. I know from sad experience - I lost my dear sister to this evil disease - hat he will appreciate your visiting not just because he is ill but because he and his wife are your friends.

Good post anno

Not wishing to hijack your thread I thought you might like to see the YouTube channel started by our young friend (he was 38 when diagnosed with MND) He and his wife are inspirational.

m.youtube.com/channel/UCXbFt6OVRCUm7t1JOv-l1og

Thank you all for your responses. I looked at some of Sam's Youtube entries and you're right. They are inspirational.

My husband’s cousin had MND. I couldn’t understand why DH didn’t make the effort to go and see him whilst he was still able to enjoy a visit. Do go whilst you can, checking first of course.

Yes , I agree with people on this thread . Ask first , if you get the go ahead don't miss the opportunity. If he is having a bad day he will let you know and you can visit another time. I would suggest you chat as you have always done , be relaxed ! If he opens up about his condition all you really need to do is listen . He may simply just want to talk. Or he may prefer not to discuss what is happening. Let him set the agenda and go with the flow.

I would ask the couple.

There is no universal way to procede, it is case by case basis

You also do not fully know how this is impacting them - their public face (cheerful) is only a glimpse in time and begins closed doors, a different story could be going on.

Behinds closed doors, not begins

Yes I would definitely ask them what they would like and if your friend is up to visitors. You sound like a good caring person and I am sure your friends would appreciate this. When my Husband had cancer one friend was very pushy and said (did not ask) that she and her Partner were coming to visit from some miles away and fully expected to stay with us. This was before he had started treatment and before he had even seen family members, she certainly had a sense of entitlement. We thanked them for their concern and said whilst visits were not possible at this stage, we would keep them informed and looked forward to seeing them as as soon as we felt able to do so.

Certainly ring and ask if you may pop in for a visit.

If you speak to his wife rather than to himself, you could ask her to give you a hint if she can see your visit is tiring him.

When my sister was told she had terminal cancer, I told her I was ready to listen if or when there were things she could not bring herself to discuss with her adult children and that I would do what I could to help.

If you can cope with helping, tell the wife that she is welcome to phone if she needs help at any time. Then check in from time to time to see whether she does need any help.

When my friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer, there were a lot of friends we never heard from again. The time you have left with your friend is now more precious than ever. Make the most of it, have a few laughs, be as supportive as you can, make some more great memories.

Just be yourself you have been friends long enough to know each other well. Your friends will be grateful for your visit and company and support as I am sure you will give lovingly.

My friend's son had cancer and she spent a lot of time in hospital with him. We fell into a routine of me phoning her every Sunday evening. I offered and she agreed.
We'd talk about whatever she needed or wanted to and for as long as she wanted to.
Thankfully her son recovered, but she said later that among all the horrors and uncertainty they went through, my phone calls were an anchor point to her week.

Sorry if that sounds a bit big-headed ?
I think if we'd arranged that she could phone me if she wanted to, it maybe wouldn't have happened? She had enough other stuff to think about and organise.
So don't be pushy, but do volunteer.