Marriage expectation in the 21st Century

Staying home also relies on the marriage lasting. My grandmother and great grandmothe were both widowed in their mid-30s, both had children and one was pregnant, they had immediately to work out how to earn the money to feed the family. In one case there was a small pension because my grandfather died in WW1, but in the second case - nothing.

That was my my mother put education and a profession ahead of everything else. Now, of course many marriages also end in divorce or desertion.

I fully understand the arrangement this lady and her hussband have chosen, but if everything goes awry, I do hope she has a profession to fall back on.

Scentia

I think your niece has only ‘dodged a bullet’ because it wasn’t what she wanted. My DD is a stay at home mum and probably will me for many years to come, she wanted that, as did he. She does everything whilst he earns all the money. She is given housekeeping and is happy enough with their life. A life like this is only a problem if one party is not on board, there is no shame and my DD is not weak or downtrodden because she has chosen this for her and her family.

her choice obvs and i am glad that she is happy...the big but is that its essential that she has some feel for the financial setup even if he manages every penny. Sudden death does happen and its 10 times worse if if the spouse who is left has no idea about where the bank accounts, savings and so on are....equally if your DD becomes ill or worse, her spouse will need to be at very least used to the basics of childcare.

I think your niece has only ‘dodged a bullet’ because it wasn’t what she wanted. My DD is a stay at home mum and probably will me for many years to come, she wanted that, as did he. She does everything whilst he earns all the money. She is given housekeeping and is happy enough with their life. A life like this is only a problem if one party is not on board, there is no shame and my DD is not weak or downtrodden because she has chosen this for her and her family.

Too many girls are still being brought up to think that, for a woman, the only true measure of success is having a boyfriend/partner/husband.

Too many girls are still being brought up to think that they cannot live a successful life on their own.

I am continually so, so glad my mother's focus was always on getting a good education and a good career, marriage was simply something that most people did, but being happily single was better than being unhappily married.

Mumsnet is such a sad place - so many young women being badly treated in so many ways and cannot see it - they seem to think they deserve no better, and ask others if what is happening to them is OK when it is blindingly obvious that it isn't. And the whole influence of porn on what is happening to them is very troubling. Young men who have no concept of loving relationships, and young women who seem to feel they must do what is required of them.

It is a new form of tyranny that is basically indistinguishable from the "bad old days" before women's emancipation.

Yes I think women can not notice it until they have children and then they are in a very difficult situation.

There are constantly women posting on Mumsnet who are being controlled in very similar ways.
It may not be as unusual as we'd hope.

I think it often starts, or gets worse, after a baby is born.

Although my parents (married in the 1930s) had what we would call a traditional marriage, with Mom a full time housewife, Dad handed over his wages to her and she gave him "pocket money" and managed the household finances. I think this was common in working class households since the women did most of the shopping and paid the bills with cash.

judy54 I am surprised your niece did not discover earlier in the courtship what her boyfriend/fiance's views are. Surely all these are things that arise in conversation when you are courting.

What brought DH and I together was our similarity in views on all sorts of things, including the fact that we both had working mothers and he fully understood my desire to resume my career as soon as possible after having children.

I would say household issues are one of the biggest causes of marital breakdown. Not to this extreme usually, just more subtle.

Thanks for your replies. No there are no cultural or religious issues. Yes it is probably the way his Parents brought him up. Thinking about it my Niece says that whilst she does not know about his Mother and Father's financial arrangements, his Mother does everything for him and his other Adult Brother who stills lives at home. She works full time and does all the household chores and has a meal on the table for them every day. My Niece is hurting because she loved her boyfriend. As she says marriage is a contract between two people not on one person's terms. This is not how she wants to live her life being controlled by someone else. In time we all hope that she will love again and find happiness with a caring person.

YES good for her. I was lucky that my mum would have never agreed to this either, in the 40s. Way before her time- and I certainly would not either.

I got engaged to someone in the eighties who expected me to give up work and stay at home - I didn't find that out until shortly before the wedding, and he quickly became an ex-fiancee.

Weirdly I think he thought I would love the idea, but I loved my job and had no intention of giving it up. Now I wonder how we could have been together for over two years and never realised how far apart our views were. We obviously didn't know each other at all, despite spending most of our non-work time together. I thought it a strange idea in the eighties, it's even stranger now. I think it partly stems from the family structure someone has grown up with, and what it has led them to expect.

Crumbs! Does he know it's 2021?

Good for her indeed! If I had left finances to my OH we would have been in a right pickle!

Good on your niece, I hope she finds somebody who shares her values and wants a 50/50 relationship. As for the ex boyfriend - I hope he never finds anybody who he can inflict that level of control over, and that he learns from being kicked into touch.

She`s had a lucky escape for sure,and good for her for standing her ground.

Good for her. I can't see any of my grandsons - still in their teens - ever having that attitude to marriage as their mothers are both career women and very good at their jobs. Perhaps this young man had a mother who was a domestic doormat. I wonder if he will ever find a wife who suits his notions.

If they genuinely loved each other and had a real connection then that is such a shame they couldn't discuss this and come to an agreement on how to run their home. It's very sad to lose a lifetime together on a household issue.

If however there are cultural or religious reasons then there is probably no meeting halfway on this, he has his beliefs decided for him. She would have to agree or make her escape!

Good heavens, even my parents, born before WW1, had a marriage where money was a mutual responsibility and, while my mother didn't always work, although she did much of the time. I never saw my father sitting and relaxing while she was doing housework. He would always do his share. Used to drive my mother nuts!! She preferred to do things by herself.

This young man is positively antediluvian. Has someone been keeping him in a drawer wrapped in lavender for the past century?

Maybe he is religious?
It could be cultural?

Still, so glad your niece dumped him. I would have loved to see his face when she did it

I think he is a bit unique in this day and age I don’t know any young people who have expectations like this but then I don’t know any young people with old fashioned parents all I know have career mothers as well as fathers and all my grandchildren are looking at being professionals in some field or other so the women will hopefully be good earners
She definitely did the right thing he sounds a real throwback

gosh she dodged a bullet.....mind you wasn't there a genuine imbecile on facebook and youtube recently who said that menstruating women could teach themselves to hold in the blood until the got to the loo and that sanitary products were unneccessary?

Go niece!

I agree plenty of people claim to be more progressive than they are.

crikey