Concerns for unhygienic state of the home my Grandson lives in.

MerylStreep

Namsnanny
They’ll still keep replying ? They just read the op and wade in.

It's no good trying to help is it??

Does it matter if people give their ideas? Ziggy has said she is not replying to any further entries. I expect she will continue to read them. How often do you visit? Could you do one job each visit? Do the washing up one day, clean the bathroom sink another day? Do it piecemeal. Hope things improve. I'm sure your GS will be fine

Namsnanny

Ziggy01 wont be reading any more replies, as she said up thread.

She may read them..just not post she said, so people won’t need to wonder where she is.

Namsnanny
They’ll still keep replying ? They just read the op and wade in.

Ziggy01 wont be reading any more replies, as she said up thread.

The advice to say and do nothing is understandable, but I am not sure that it is the most suitable in this instance.

If you decide you must say something, which I do understand that you probably do, choose a time when both your son and your daughter-in-law are present.

It might be wisest to start by offering to help. Decide beforehand what help you will offer and be very specific.

It will do no good just to say, "Do you want help cleaning?" Presumably the adults are quite comfortable in this mess.

You need to state politely the reasons for your concern, and for what can be taken as interference.

I am a cat lover myself, but would never have five cats in a small flat, nor allow any cat of mine to walk or sleep on a ktichen work-surface of any kind or table.

Unfortunately, these cats have been allowed to do so, so it is well-nigh impossible to stop them now.

If they are using the bathroom floor instead of the litter boxes, this is due to one of two things.

Either the boxes are not changed often enough or one of the cats objects to using the same box as any other cat.

A lot of people believe that it is sufficient to removed soiled or wet litter once a day and occasionally fill the box up with a new layer of litter.

In my experience doing this encourages cats to find an alternative. The box should be completely emptied, washed in warm water and detergent and left to air-dry completely before being refilled at very regular intervals if you want they cats to be satisfied with its condition.

This means that you need a couple of extra boxes and a strict cleaning rota.

The rubbish bag isn't an issue, as long as it is changed daily.

Mould on the other hand is a serious health issue and should your relatives want to move at some point they will find that no-one is willing to buy a house with obvious signs of mould.

Cat hairs on upholstery and carpets are unsightly and may increase the risk of astma or allergies. Very few vacuum cleaners deal satisfactorily with removing them, even if you have what is supposed to be a mouthpiece designed to remove cat and dog hairs.

Once or twice a year, I use an old plastic pot scourer wrung out in cold water to remove cat hairs from our sitting-room carpet. This necessitates working on my hands and knees, but I find that preferable to an overgrown carpet.

Small rugs and mats can be brushed with a very stiff brush.

If you are fit and well you could offer to do some of all this, or at least buy a second set of cat litter trays.

However, take care - this is the kind of discussion that can cause very bad feeling between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

I would start by saying, "You'll probably want to call me an interfering old besom, but I am genuinely concerned by what I see as health hazards. I am willing to help with cleaning if neither of you have time to do it regularly." and go on from there.

Although we all have different standards of cleanliness, this is worrying for many reasons. Personally I do not approve of 'house cats' this is a human imposition on animals which would naturally roam and are by nature, very clean. Cat litter trays are unpleasant for both cats to use and humans to live with. As for dirty nappies in open rubbish bags, quite frankly the house must stink. There will come a time when your GS wants to bring friends home from nursery or school, what then? A few bits and pieces on the floor, a groaning laundry basket is one thing, but this is not safe. As to what you can do; heaven only knows, sorry. I would find it hard to visit, and surely others must too? Maybe offer a one off huge effort from all of you to empty litter trays, scrub walls, throw open windows, wash sofa covers? Perhaps the contrast to the current state will be enough to encourage some efforts to make a safe home for all who live there, animal and human.

Yes, all the best Ziggy

I hope things turn out well for your GS Ziggy01

Thankyou to you all for your very varied comments. I have read and taken them all on board and will proceed to handle this how I see best. I will not be making any further comments on posts.

Generally speaking, cleanliness is a subjective concept.

You have talked to your dil and son and no big changes have been made.

What else can you do?
Nothing I am afraid, unless it is at the level of involving social services because your gs' health is suffering due to the living conditions - getting sick, not fed/clothed properly, bad personal hygiene.

If your gs goes to the doctor and no red flags have been raised, there is little you can do.

Could you go round at a weekend, to let your DIL and DS take your grandson out to a park, while you make a special lunch, because they “work so hard”? It might lift their spirits. Would they allow you to clean one room a week staring with the toddler’s bedroom? No rearranging, just cleaning. Once some cleaning is started, the task might not seem so insurmountable. Do they have a cat flap and the cats chipped?

You have emphasised how well you get on with your DIL so how about suggesting you actually help her, or have a tidy around whilst she is at work, gloves, mask etc and loads of black bags and disinfectant. I know it wont guarantee it stays clean but it sounds as if she has some problems and things have got beyond her. She has been happy to take advice which many wouldn't and perhaps a bit of practical assistance would help. Alternatively as your small grandson is now nearly two perhaps you could have him to stay, tidy him up and give her chance to do her own cleaning if she can. Where is her mum in all this, do you know what she thinks?

You must be very worried , I would be ! However it is not really your place to pass comment..It seems your grandson is happy and developing well , so that is a bonus . Please be very careful what you say and to whom. I understand your desire to have the house cleaned up and indeed it should be . However how to go about this I do not know, it will not be easy. Good luck!

5 indoor cats AND dogs too! Jeez - that is beyond gross.

But, unless the child is getting ill (tummy bugs, repeated worms etc., I do not know what you can do.

Poor child.

It sounds like both parents are struggling with full-time work plus having housework to do in their time off, plus childcare. Is money the issue? Both parents, whether working in or out of the home, are responsible for these things. I have no idea why you would talk to your DIL and not your son? Did you bring your son up to do all the cooking and cleaning and washing? If so then he can get on and do it, as a shared duty with your DIL. If they have money maybe suggest someone you know is looking for a cleaning job….

Discodancer is right. I think it's a kind of depression or mental health problem. Nobody should live in filth like you describe. And wanting that many animals in an indoor environment is not right. Cat excrement is dangerous. I was extremely sick after eating at a house with several cats which was far cleaner than the one you describe. I think you need to be tactful but something must be done to protect the infant. I wonder what your DIL's home was like as a child? Perhaps this is normal to her. My DH visits people's homes with his work and says you should see some of them!

This thread is getting repetitive. The deep clean and weekly cleaners have been suggested several times.

I agree, I think it a deep clean will have to be done by a professional firm, possibly the kind which cleans up nasty crime scenes if you get my drift. Beyond what a normal cleaner would tackle (and you don’t want the cleaner gossiping locally about the state of it).

Can't imagine a cleaner would work in those conditions Summerlove

Ziggy01

I certainly do not consider my DIL solely responsible. I have spoken to my son often. He unfortunately is out of the house working long hours 6 days a week. He has tried to discuss the situation with her without success.

Surely if they both work though, I’m not sure why he’s speaking to her instead of mucking in himself.
She works, then comes home and presumably does child care/laundry/meals. Shes exhausted too!

Can you offer them a cleaner?

Yes you may be right 3nanny6 although my WI relatives always talk about their gardens It doesn’t even matter really except in U.K. a yard would normally be a fairly small space and in US it’s often a big garden the thought of dogs (we don’t know how many but it’s in the plural) in a little British yard is not a good thought

I m afraid 5 cats and dogs in the plural with a 2 year old sounds pretty over the top especially if everyone is out at work however I still don’t think a grandparent can do much except offer to help and/or have a word with your son but if he’s protective of his wife and their lifestyle you may make large waves
It’s a really really difficult one and I m not sure how I would handle it Does your grandson have good health no allergies or bad tummies ?

OP said dil as well as son works. How they could possibly find time to look after a child, five cats and dogs (how many, obvs more than one) properly and keep the house clean and tidy I cannot imagine. The animals are the cause of a lot of the problems and things have got totally out of hand. I agree that it is unkind to keep cats indoors and I don’t believe in having a dog if you go out to work. IMO the animals have to be rehomed except perhaps two cats if allowed outside as well as inside, with litter tray at night only if kept in overnight, as mine were, otherwise none. The pets are not living in suitable conditions and cannot be happy. Cats are by nature very clean. Whole house needs a proper deep clean and then possibly a weekly cleaner if they still can’t manage. Also sounds like a dishwasher would be a good idea! And no putting soiled nappies and cat litter in an open bag in the pantry! This house is a health hazard to all of them and will cause real problems for the boy, possibly smelling and certainly being unable to bring friends home which can lead to him becoming isolated for life. If a friend does come round the state of the house will be round the school very quickly and the boy will suffer terribly, though if anyone has seen inside this house of horrors I imagine it’s the talk of the neighbourhood already. I think OP has to raise this with both of them together and make sure she gets the message across. No pussy footing around (no pun intended). Doesn’t have to be nasty and perhaps she can offer help (physical or financial) to get the place round and then keep it clean. If she doesn’t say something it ain’t gonna happen.

3nanny6. The OP has been back a number of times, the last time just 30 min before your post.
On Mumsnet all the OP’s posts are coloured which is so much clearer. No idea why it is not like that here on Gransnet.

Oh dear sorry Ziggy but it’s making me feel quite queasy! I wouldn’t keep quiet I’d be really worried about the little grandson, it might not be your business how they live, but I’d be having words with both of them, surely they can understand that it’s not healthy to live like this, fridge dirty microwave, dirty nappies cat litter in a open bag in a pantry, shower and toilet filthy, their home must really smell, I would be paying for a cleaner to come in couple of times a week, and do as much as I could to help them if lived near, both your DIL and Son are responsible for the home they live in, wonder if they are suffering depression OP