Being a Nanna

I adore my daughter’s children, but they each have their own personalities and their lives to lead. I am less involved with my son’s children, so that is a different kind of relationship.
I think I was not a great mum, very inexperienced, but now I have a really good relationship with my daughter, who is a great mum. There are clear boundaries at every level, and I could never imagine blurring them.

I don't understand it, no.
Maybe I am not overly maternal. I loved my own DC with a passion and ofcourse the hormones kick in when they are born with the overpowering desire to protect/nurture/feed/adore.

I love and admire my DGC and would protect them from harm with my life but without the day to day responsibility, I am a step apart. Like others have said I delight in seeing my DC become such great parents.

I have a life of my own now which doesn't involve any of them much.

I understand the overwhelming love, although it very much a one step back relationship and not the same as being a mother. No one can tell you not to love your grandchildren the way you do, we are all different, However unless you are put in a position to become their parent, and it does happen, circumstances have made that the case with a few posters on GN. At the moment I'm thinking in particular, having read about them at the moment, of the parents of the young woman murdered by her husband in Greece who have won full custody of their grand daughter, those grandparents will step in and become the parents, extraordinary heart breaking circumstances and I'm inclined to think when grandparents do take on that role some sort of trauma has occurred. I'm kind of agreeing with Sue Donin though, I think there is a great resentment among young mothers, and I understand why, when mothers/fathers or in laws, try and usurp their position. Clearly they aren't yours and really it's irrational and unreasonable to think they are. We've all had our shot at motherhood, it's time to stand back and reap the rewards of an entirely different and sometimes less stressful a relationship imo.

Are you saying your love for your own child/ren has boundaries, Barberty?

This topic has been discussed before on GN and I chatted with my dd about it at the time. She said that it’s something that today’s mothers are well aware of and the general consensus of opinion is that it is creepy.

Nope, I love them to bits, I think they are all beautiful, but not the same as the love I have for my own children, our grandchildren are the extension of our children THEIR children, we love to hear and see how our AC are raising them but never forget or overstep boundaries regarding how they are brought up, will say they are doing great, so we are happy as they are,

Well, no. I don't feel in the least possessive about any of my GC. They are all separate people and I have always treated them as such. My first DGD has always been special because of circumstances I needn't go into, but she has grown up as a wonderful, friendly and caring adult who has her own life and I am so proud of the woman she is. The others are still teenagers and my relationship with each of them is different, because they are different people in their own right. My two adult sons who love and protect me are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.

No. I adore my grandchildren but my own children are in my heart, forever first.
Just a little bit of tactfulness is needed to make sure we don't overwhelm grandchildren. It can lead to trouble.

One of the very best things about being a grandmother is to watch my children parent their children. I am so proud of the love they show to them and that makes my heart swell with love for my children. It also makes me a little bit proud of myself that they may have got those parenting skills from me.

I love them, but it has grown slowly as I have got to know them and they have developed and I find it infinitely fascinating to see their progress, but love them as I love my children? Sorry, no, nothing can compare to that.

Sue Donim,

I would never over step my boundaries with my grandsons and if I did my daughter would let me know asap .. My LOVE however for my grandsons has NO boundaries.

No. My grandchildren are gorgeous, and I love them dearly. I still love my children more.

No. I love them so much, but they’re a step removed. The only thing I do sometimes worry about, is feeling closer to my daughters children, than my sons. Perhaps it’s because I would have carried the eggs. Also, my daughters are just young versions of me. My sons aren’t.
I asked my husband if he felt more affinity towards our sons children. He said ‘ no, not really,’ but he perhaps is drawn more to our grandsons than granddaughters. A bloke thing, he said. He can understand where you’re coming from OP.

I agree with MOnica I love my children and grandchildren and would do anything for them, but I see them as their own people not an extension of me. How you feel Barberty is way over the top for me.

No......I am another of those who had a totally absolute love for each of my children. Has stayed with me -even for those that have had times when I have not liked them very much.
Was never keen on them having children - which I knew must push me down the pecking order in their affections.

However, as each of those eight were born I knew how happy they have made each of my children - and anything that does that is good by me. So, my bubble of love for my children extended to cover their children.

So, Yes I do sort of love my g.children - but nothing like that totally overwhelming love I still feel feel for my own children.

I somewhat agree Barberty I adore both my grandchildren and love them as much as I love my children, but, I think the emotion you are feeling is probably something else. Fear of something happening to them maybe, fear of not having them in your life? When I look at pictures of my family I am overjoyed and do not feel like crying. Everything you are feeling is quite normal but don’t rely on the grandchildren always wanting to visit and give cuddles as to a 10 year old Nanna’s smell very odd?. Enjoy your time with them and relish the fact you don’t have the worry that went along with being a young family with little time and money. I lavish my grandchildren with my time and affection as I know it will be unwelcome as soon as they get a bit older!

I so understand Barbarty.

When my son was born I had postnatal depression which affected me badly. I sadly did not enjoy those first few years. However with the support of my DH things improved and my love for my son grew and we are very close buddies now.

So when my 2 grandsons were born I was concerned that I would not cope, just like before. How wrong could I be. I got overwhelming feelings of love for them and I realised that this was what a lot of mums get for their own children. My 2 grandsons are now 10 and 8 and I am as close to them as ever. My eldest regularly Facetimes me for long chats. I would walk over ‘hot coals’ for them. Better late than never.

No, never. I feared I might before the event, but when they were born, I reacted as I did with my children. From birth I saw them as individuals in their own right, separate from me as well as being from me.

I love them, every hair on their heads, but smother loving isn't in my nature.

I was with my daughter and son-in-law at the birthing room when my first grandson was born. I was taken aback when I felt that great tsunami of love that matched my feelings when absentdaughter was born. I still love him very much and my five other grandchildren, especially the two youngest who are still very much part of my life on a weekly basis. However, I am not their mother. I have a different role in their lives as their grandmother and I relish it.

I am lucky, Gagajo in that I had a kind, supportive and loving partner and spent years when our children were little, "enjoying" them.

I wonder if those who were lucky and therefore had more time and energy with their own babies feel as I do and those whose lives meant they had less time (work, relationships, family stresses, trying to survive, sheer exhaustion), are more inclined to agree with the OP?

Just a thought.

No. I honestly don't understand it.

I love my adult children with all my heart and soul. Nothing else could be like this.

Their children are amazing extra wonderful beautiful bundles of joy but the love is different.

I agree Barberty. I was at my GC's birth and we have always had a very close relationship. I think with my DC, I was so young, stressed, bad marriage, trying to cope financially with no help from husband, that I just survived. With GC I have time to enjoy our relationship.

Same here Barberty.
The love i feel for them is un-real.
Can`t beat it tbh.

Barberty I get where you are coming from. I think when grandchildren are born, the grandparents have more time? Hard to explain but when I had my children we were busier, had jobs, house to run, siblings of baby and a new baby totally dependant on you and it was also scary. As a grandparent you have time to concentrate on the newborn who is the child of your child and you want the world to be safe and perfect for all of them. Not saying this very clearly but for me I love all my grandchildren and have a huge feeling of responsibility for them but as a grandparent not their mother or father. Happy to help and do anything required but not bring them up. But woe betide anyone who hurts them!

Good post Laura.

I will never forget that overwhelming love I felt for each of my children when they were born, nor the surprise at being capable of such love. It never goes away even at those times when I didn’t like one or other very much.
Grandchildren are the children of those we love so much, of course we will love them but, in my experience, it’s not the same deep and instant love it grows as we get to know them.
I love them, I care about them, they are a joy but I am not their mother.
It is lovely that you love them so much but be careful not to smother them.