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(24 Posts)
Frankie51 Wed 21-Jul-21 09:25:02

I am in a social club, and used to be very friendly with one of the members. We had a shared interests in art and crafts and went to things together We all have to host events for the club, and when I went on holiday she offered to host my event for me, but on my return she claimed it as her own and told me to keep away as she was "taking it over" .So against our club rules. I said she was out of order and she sent me a very emotional text telling me I was bullying her and she never wanted to see me again. I got onto trouble with the club for not hosting enough events that year too. I was careful to avoid events she was attending. On the two occasions we did meet, she was very hostile to me.
Tragically she has died suddenly at the young age of 37 and most of the club are going to the funeral and wake. I don't know what to do, as I feel her husband would not be pleased to see me, but I don't want to look hard hearted and unforgiving. She was a good person and I liked her until she turned on me. My husband is going to go on behalf of both of us. I never told any of the club members what happened as I hate gossip, but I'm sure some close to her know. I would feel hypocritical if I attended, but I feel bad for not going. What would others do? Has anyone been in the same position?

Blossoming Wed 21-Jul-21 09:45:42

I wouldn’t go.

B9exchange Wed 21-Jul-21 09:53:18

I would send her husband a letter saying you were sorry for the fall out, (don't go into details or blame) that you had valued her friendship, and if there was a collection in her name for a charity, please let you know so that you could give something?

Shinamae Wed 21-Jul-21 09:54:25

I definitely wouldn’t go as I would feel a hypocrite

annodomini Wed 21-Jul-21 10:01:18

I'd have a 'previous engagement' if I were you. Surely you can think of something.

Frankie51 Wed 21-Jul-21 10:15:02

That's a lovely idea B9Exchange.

Frankie51 Wed 21-Jul-21 10:22:19

annodomini yes I've got a convenient excuse, I'm a volunteer tour guide and I can say I'm doing an extra shift that day

ginny Wed 21-Jul-21 10:27:37

Yes, a previous commitment and the comment fromB9ex would seem best to me.

Frankie51 Wed 21-Jul-21 10:31:14

I think I will send her husband a card as B9Exchange suggests, saying sorry about the fall out and with a nice memory of things I enjoyed doing with her and her good qualities. It would be a nice thing to tell him. He is a really lovely person, and always used to acknowledge me. He will be devestated by this sudden unexpected loss.

Shelflife Wed 21-Jul-21 11:15:36

In your position I would attend her funeral, it may help you and will please her husband. Attending a funeral is the very last thing you can do for someone- even if you had a falling out. Forget that and pay your respects. Remember that good times you had with her, ignore the bad . Husband sounds a nice person who you respect think of him and be there for him .

Frankie51 Wed 21-Jul-21 12:13:30

I've still felt torn and wondered if I have just been thinking about myself and my guilt and not considering how the widower might be feeling. I talked it over with my husband and he feels it would be better if I don't go or send a card as it might bring back bad memories for the poor man and won't help matters. so I think I will leave it and just say I'm on a training day if any one asks but send my respects.

midgey Wed 21-Jul-21 13:16:02

Could you just go to the funeral and not attend the wake?

eazybee Wed 21-Jul-21 18:18:26

I feel you think you should go; to die so young is shocking and it wipes out previous grievances. I would go in your situation but leave at the end of the funeral as soon as you have offered condolences to the widower; I doubt he would think you hypocritical. You won't suffer guilt when it is all over, and it will draw a line under it.

gmarie Wed 21-Jul-21 19:36:22

I think B9's idea is lovely. I'm not sure why it bothers your husband. Perhaps attending might cause discomfort but saying that, as B9 suggests you were sorry for the fall out, (don't go into details or blame) that you had valued her friendship, and if there was a collection in her name for a charity, please let you know so that you could give something sounds perfect. You'd be respectfully acknowledging the rift but paying your respects. Other people could still assume you had a work shift.

Frankie51 Wed 21-Jul-21 19:45:08

I have made the decision to attend the online remote service,while my husband goes to the actual service . He gets on very well with the widowed husband, and he would like to support him, poor man . Quite a few of the social club are attending remotely . There is a plan to put on a wake by the club , a remembrance of her, in a park, where we can all share our memories, when her husband is feeling more able to cope. I will attend that too. I feel very sorry about her sudden death, and sorry we'll never be able to make things up, but I don't want to rock the boat. The husband is a very polite man, but doesn't display his real feelings, he would obviously have taken his wife's part and he could hate me for all I know. My husband is of the opinion "let sleeping dogs lie". The widower and the family's feelings come first, and I agree with him. My guilt is immaterial.
Thank you all for listening to me, it has really helped me to think more clearly. The news was a shock, and I was very unsure what to do for the best. . The funeral invite wasn't a personal one, it was a general email to the whole social club.
I can see all sides of the argument, it could help the widower if I went, but it might equally be upsetting for him. I hope to be able to offer him friendship/support with the rest of the club, as he recovers and feels like interacting with us. We are a very supportive group of people and I think he will turn to us.
Thanks for all your valid opinions. It helped me enormously.

Frankie51 Wed 21-Jul-21 19:49:43

I made my decision by imaging what Sarah herself would have said, if she was aware and able to communicate. The answer, unfortunately would have been "Get out, I don't want you here".
That decided me.

Flexagon Wed 21-Jul-21 20:12:57

I realise that the immediate issue is whether to attend the funeral and others have addressed that.

The question that occurs to me is why she felt the need to take over your event and why she became so hostile when you took issue with what she'd done. Is is because, as you described, the club insist that members host a certain number of events each year? Maybe she'd been put under pressure to up her numbers.

I can't help thinking that maybe the club's insistence on "quotas" may be behind the argument that destroyed a friendship. Is that a possibility? I think if you can get to the bottom of this it may help to mend some fences.

BlueBelle Wed 21-Jul-21 20:29:26

Oh I definitely wouldn’t mention the ‘fall out’ in a card it may bring up a lot of bad memories for him she may have told him a very different version to what you have told us or maybe not told him at all
I don’t think I d go to the funeral as I d feel a bit hypocritical
Whoops I see you ve decided what to do and yes I d go with that sounds a reasonable decision

biglouis Wed 21-Jul-21 20:43:20

If you send a card I would not mention a "falling out" in so many words. Rather something like:-

"I regret that we were not so close in recent years. However I still have many fond memories of our time together and valued her friendship."

Shelflife Wed 21-Jul-21 23:07:43

If you really feel you are unable to attend the funeral then what you have decided is going to be the right decision. Go with that , you will be paying your respects in your own way and attending the wake at a later date is a sound idea. Please stop feeling guilty ! The widower will more than likely forget what happened between you and his wife , he has enough to deal with right now without worrying about something that happened between you and his wife some time ago.

Frankie51 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:49:22

I have added a virtual lighted candle to her obituary page and said I'm attending the online funeral. My husband has done the same, added a donation to the chosen charity, and said he is attending the funeral in person.
I feel we've done the best thing at the moment. Her poor husband doesn't need any other people's problems at this time.

Cabbie21 Thu 22-Jul-21 14:43:33

Good decisions.

Frankie51 Thu 22-Jul-21 16:47:45

Flexagon., the quota was precisely the problem. The club offers a huge discount on your yearly membership if you host 2 events a year. It's an incentive to get a good mix of events on the programme. If you don't you pay in full . I found out after our row, she hadn't organised enough events and the subscriptions were due 2 days later. I'd done plenty of these events and though I didn't mind her claiming this one, I said would be taking it back as my event next time. I had researched the event, had a good relationship with the organiser, got discounts for the club. She told the committee I was bullying her and the committee sent me a warning letter. Such a silly thing to fall out over. Never got the chance to smooth things over as the pandemic closed everything. Such a pity.

Flexagon Thu 29-Jul-21 00:00:28

Apologies, Frankie51. I have only just spotted your post from 22 July.

It's astonishing that the club committee couldn't recognise, or wouldn't admit that the problem was of their making and really do need to review their membership terms to ensure this kind of thing doesn't happen again.

Her death at such a young age is tragic but I am wondering now what you will do when club activities resume. Presumably you will take back this event as it was yours to begin with.

Even if you do dislike gossip, I do think you should consider explaining to other members what happened to cause the falling out because it doesn''t seem fair that you should bear the brunt of this.