Nasty neighbour

effalump

As you say they are in their late 60's have you considered that either one, or even both, may be in early or mid stage of Alzheimers. It's my mother's funeral tomorrow and, for the last 17 months, I have been her carer. She was only diagnosed with moderate to severe Alzheimers last November but coping with her personality change, talking to the TV rather than to me and for the last three months of her life, being totally bedbound with carers coming in several times each day and being non-verbal was very difficult. Either of your neighbours could be having to cope with something like this. It may be useful, and thoughtful to try to talk to them. Believe me, when they have Alzheimers, or other Dementia, they have no filter.

Perhaps you missed the fact that OP has been living with this unpleasant behaviour from the neighbours for the last ten years. Hardly likely to be dementia in these circumstances. Oh, and I have long experience of living with someone who had dementia.

As you say they are in their late 60's have you considered that either one, or even both, may be in early or mid stage of Alzheimers. It's my mother's funeral tomorrow and, for the last 17 months, I have been her carer. She was only diagnosed with moderate to severe Alzheimers last November but coping with her personality change, talking to the TV rather than to me and for the last three months of her life, being totally bedbound with carers coming in several times each day and being non-verbal was very difficult. Either of your neighbours could be having to cope with something like this. It may be useful, and thoughtful to try to talk to them. Believe me, when they have Alzheimers, or other Dementia, they have no filter.

I wish I could tell you how. I have lived next door to worse for 25 years. All I can say is do not rise to the bait, no matter how dreadful they are, because then they have won.

My next door neighbours spent a quarter of a century, all their retirement making life as miserable for my late husband as they hoped they could. I am disabled since 1987, George was a retired vicar, and we really do not know what of those triggered such hatred, or was it that George refused to move, saying no one was going to chase him out of the home he saved all his life to buy. We lived in this house for 10 years before they moved in next door, and anything they could do, they did, from the first week.
Try to turn the other cheek. We did, and they still carried on. He died last year: what a waste of his life. We knew nothing about them, not even now, and until last year I did not even know the name of his son.
You are on a better path if you can ignore the pain they cause, because they look for victims, and if you show hurt, they have found one. Be sure they will not stop what they are doing. It is better not to be drawn into any conversation with them. It does no good, and if you did speak to them, about anything, you can be sure your words will be changed beyond recognition, so try not to have any contact with them. Better to buy headphones than try to reason with them. If you wear them in the garden, they will either see they bother you, or they will stop making asses of themselves. Try to resist them, if you do not, the husband might make suggestions to you, and bear in mind that it just looks like one neighbour chatting to another.
I bought an alarm. I turned it on when he came, because a week before he had crept up behind me and pushed his paunch into my back, and being disabled, I cannot steady myself. When I pulled the alarm it sounded just like a car alarm and he stood there laughing, and I realised that no one would come to help me, because it would be like one neighbour having a chat. Who would believe otherwise? They can blame you for making the first moves. My disability meant they could not do that to me.

Lucky with my neighbours now and hope they feel the same! Its horrid to feel ill at ease in your own home.
I wouldn't do the camera thing it may antaganise the situation if cameras point their way. I wouldn't rise to the bait. I would always say Hiya when I saw them and smile but then avoid eye contact and go about my business. Same if she is staring while you do your hedges just say oops..you made me jump standing there and giggle, again no direct eye contact after initial statement. She will get fed up when she gets no reaction. Dont talk to other neighbours about it either. Who knows they might mention your chat and set her off again!!

I'm with the "totally ignore them" brigade - its not what I would do myself, being more than a little confrontational but if its upsetting you then ignore, ignore and ignore again. It would be a shame if you had to move, but then again life is too short to put up with this kind of stress on a daily basis. I did wonder about the possibility of a restraining order - but that might need to be declared when you want to sell the house. Bad neighbours are the pits - really thankful that all ours (we live in low rise flats) are reasonable people.

Yes great idea mentioned above. Have a garden party, invite all close neighbours EXCEPT them. Let’s see if they dare show their true colours then!
PS: I wonder if she has early signs of dementia? She could also just be a plain nasty bully with issues

I wouldn't try to make friends, they are obnoxious people to act like this and you can choose your friends. Ignore them, tall fences, all day long for me. But you have my sympathy, no it's not a criminal offence, but I can just imagine how horrible it feels - noise nuisance etc is just thoughtlessness, but this is malicious and personal and uncalled for. As you say, people like this are in the minority, most people are great, but what a difference one bad apple can make. It's them who have the problem, not you I hope you can ignore them totally.

So sorry for your predicament. It sounds to me if they have a screw loose, especially the woman. It definitely is harassment, They have no right to make your life a misery. I would ;
Write down every single time somethings happen, date and time it.
When you have enough evidence , take it down to the cop shop, that is what they are there for.
I would not advise retaliating in any way as this could escalate things.
Someone needs to take your side and have a strong word with them, it sounds as if this has been going on for a long time. My new next door neighbour used to scare my cats out of his garden as his wife is scared of them. So I took matters into my own hands and bought him and his wife waterpistols.Which amused him ! Lol !

A dear friend once had a very nasty neighbour (I suspect she was a psychopath). If ignored, such a person will often then go too far in their desperation to get a reaction. When she actually turned her hose on my friend this was provable, and she moved away after that.

Aepgirl

Apologies, I missed that.

Easily done on a long thread.

Compassion
Try to be like the Dalai Lama.
Try not to upset yourself.
You cannot change their behaviour but you can change the way you view it.
Accept that they are people who behave in ways you don't like, but accept it, don't dwell on it and move on
It's them that has the problems, not you.

Really really difficult...dont allow them to see u upset.. as someone else mentioned when she stand on Drive smile..blow kisses...take them round a gift at christmas ... call their bluff ?

Try to go forward in a friendly manner because there is nothing worse than not getting on with your neighbours

BE polite to them and try and make them friends instead of enemies

Loud music when she is cleaning her car omly is better than a neighbour that plays loud music constantly

If being polite and friendly does not work then it's plan B and grow your hedges even bigger and perhaps give them a bit of their own medicine and hope that they decide to move not too long into the future

Maybe when she is cleaning her car you could just nip out in your's to get some shopping. That would spoil the fun for her. Of course a small wave and smile as you are leaving would cement this!

Oh gosh feel so sorry for you, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling as we’ve lived where we are for over 20 years and have had the same amazing neighbours! So I would say you either have it out with them, or don’t let them see it’s bothering you, or antagonise them even more than they have you!!!
Joking apart though I hope it gets resolved as quickly as possible. They say if you’ve got good neighbours you’ve got everything xx

The one thing that infuriates this type of person is completely ignoring them. It sounds as if you are having hell, but it's so difficult to start any kind of retaliation because it seems to inflame the situation. This is not easy, but why not completely ignore them? Don't reply to anything they say, behave as if they're not there, enjoy your garden, if they are standing staring make sure that your garden chairs are facing away and sit out there reading, talking and laughing. Think about how frustrated they will be when their silly, spiteful efforts are causing no reaction whatsoever. Don't mention them to any other neighbours, just behave as if they don't exist. I had a work colleague who behaved like this towards me and another woman - we both thought it was jealousy because we were married with children and she wanted to be, but after much effort trying to befriend her and include her, we hadn't changed her appalling behaviour one bit, so we ignored her completely. She left eventually - and behaved in the same way with another local company.

Thank you so much all of you, really lovely and useful comments. I am overwhelmed that you are all helping me, I feel like my heart is bursting with joy to hear from you all. As I mentioned this is the first time I've shared this online was 100% expecting you all to tell me it's my fault. I suppose it's what I've been telling myself. Honestly feel like a weight has been lifted and wish I could hug you all. Thank you x

Do not engage verbally at all. Don’t look in their direction -?wear headphones or ‘be on your mobile’. Tall hedges are your friend here.

It's a horrible thing when you don't feel comfortable or safe in your own home. We had neighbour problems at our previous house but it was to do with the children falling out. The neighbour's boys started bullying my son and then they started on my daughter. In the end we had to call the police as the threats to my daughter and her friend were serious.

We went from getting on fine, sharing the school run and looking after each other's pets when on holiday to not speaking at all! We decided to move to a new area of town but before that happened my husband was made redundant and his new job meant moving 50 miles away.

We had the last laugh though as we moved out a week before the official completion date into a temporary property while our chain completed, so my kids were ready to start at their new school,and came back at the weekend and held a very noisy leaving party in the 'empty' house. We invited the nice neighbours and all our friends, who came with camping chairs to sit on. We don't think they would have expected that having seen the removal van a few days earlier.

Obviously a very different problem to yours but I can sympathise. We were very careful about where to buy in the new area to avoid problems such as shared open fronted gardens etc, but have had wonderful neighbours here. In the end we moved for work reasons but we would have moved anyway. It's just not worth the stress and we were even having our house vandalised when we went out for the day but couldn't prove anything. It's easier to get evidence now with 'ring' doorbells etc. Wishing you peace whatever you decide to do.

I have to put up with bullying neighbours. Mine called me to the fence, had a nasty go at me because when I was watering my runner beans some water sprayed into his garden. It would have evaporated before it hit the ground. I hardly did it on purpose. His attitude did upset me. The people the other side of him are just plan awful, I ignore them as they make me Shake. I haven’t done anything to upset either of them, nevertheless I feel sad they have singled me out.

Hi Boodie - they know they are getting to you - It amuses them - and it is a form of bullying. They sound as if they need to get a life. It sounds extremely unpleasant and name calling could be harassment. However never retaliate it’s what they want. You now have to learn how not to be a victim - and don’t let them undermine you. There are plenty of books dealing with bullying and victims - have a look on Amazon. Bullies are always looking for victims - don’t be one. So much good advice - cover your ears- ask friends over, ask the other neighbours over and even include these nasty people. Stay strong, Smile, be pleasant, friendly - the problem is theirs - try not to let it be yours. Good luck xx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apologies, I missed that.

Aepgirl

Boodie,, you don’t say if they are new neighbours, or have been next door for a long time, or if you have only recently moved in.

Boodie has said this behaviour has gone on for the last ten years. So, no they are not new neighbours.

What a dreadful situation you are in boodie. We found out what bad neighbours are when the people next door put in for planning permission to build a glamping site right next to our garden. We objected and they were turned down. They never forgave us and bought some pigs which they put right next to our boundary. They named the pigs our names and hoped they would stink us out ! We put up the tallest fence that we were allowed and put trellis on the top. The abuse continued including a very intimidating visit from the husband. We informed the police and the local council who were very sympathetic. The whole family were given an incident number. This seemed to do the trick. Tall fences make good neighbours.