suggestions for coping with dementia and husband

A well informed post from Luckygirl
Make sure you look after you.
My late brother had among lots of other things, vascular dementia as did my mum.
It's a condition that's so very hard to cope with emotionally and you'll need the patience of a saint.
Your husband will more than likely get mixed up in his mind with things. It's far easier to agree with what he says than to try to put him right. He may ask the same question over and over again, He may get aggressive. I won't go on and on but as Luckygirl say's there is help out there.
You need to look after you too.

Can I ask was the diagnosis of vascular dementia made at a Memory Clinic? If so there is usually a team attached to it and the community psychiatric nurse should be told how things are progressing and suggest a support plan for you. I feel April is much too long to wait for assessment. It does depend on how your OH is coping just now and the problems he is having as to what help is most appropriate. If he is struggling with personal care then you should be able to get some help from carers. He may be able to attend a day centre which would give you a bit of a break or in our area there was a volunteer group who had people able to sit with someone for an afternoon to let the spouse go out. There is also respite care for a week or so again to let you recharge your batteries. Have you applied for attendance allowance? This is not means tested and it maybe that he would be entitled to this. It can be used to pay for anything you need not just carers.

thank you for kind answers, I have downloaded info pages and will read them quietly. Our Surgery has a dementia nurse who is fully booked until april next year so we have an appointment them, it seems the pandemic has decimated services and they are hard to access.
Think I am being weak and feeble and should cope with this if only because he has always been my knight in shining armour but he just vanishing before my eyes

So sorry to hear you're going through this.

My mother had vascular dementia and we had carers coming in daily which was a huge help.

She also went to a local day centre which she thoroughly enjoyed. This gave us all a few hours free.

You do need to be able to get out and about or your health will suffer.

Good luck

Whoops apologies, posted mid edit! Don’t tell anyone ever that you can manage…

Canarygirl when my husband had a brain bleed we were told by a nurse that we would only get help if we shouted. This was so true, make a nuisance of yourself, keep ringing anyone you can think of. Social services, doctors, any body! Don’t tell anybody ever that you can maYou can only look after him if you keep fairly well and fairly sane….it’s in his best interest be brave.

I am very sorry indeed to hear about this, and especially that you have not been out for 18 months.

My OH had Parkinsons which led him to become paranoid; and very anxious so he did not want to be left - he thought people were trying to kill him. So I do understand that feeling of not being able to leave him.

It took me a while but in the end I came to the conclusion that I could not be a fit carer if I did not look after my own needs with as much dedication as I looked after his. It is a big psychological leap to make I know. We are programmed to care, and we gradually slip into it and it takes over our life before we realise it.

With dementia, and the sort of problems my OH had, it is even more difficult because often the person we are caring for may not seem like the person we married.

This is how I coped ( or tried to cope):
- I employed a friend (someone he also knew) to be with him when I needed to go out anywhere. For example, I was determined not to stop going to the choral society I sing with. It had got to the point that when I did go, I had to keep ringing him up to check he was OK and invariably I finished up giving up and going home.
- I have DDs living locally and they would do their share of sitting with him - they too were on board with the idea that I had to look after myself too.
- I had lots of support from the Parkinsons nurse - there will be similar specialist nurses for your OH's condition.
- I also had lots of support from the local Parkinsons UK - there will be a branch of the Alzheimers Society near you.
- there are carers' organisations in most areas - try googling for the one nearest you.
- Social Services are there to help you organise carers who might come in; but you can do this yourself via any agency if you are over the financial limits for LA help.

To be honest I think the biggest stumbling block is allowing oneself to acknowledge that it is OK to shed some of the load - the sense of duty is so ingrained that it can be a struggle.

My advice to you would be to have that struggle - and get some help. There is more than one way of discharging your responsibilities to your loved one - just because you might be handing some of it to someone else does not mean you do not care. You are making sure he has care, but not necessarily doing it all yourself. Honestly - that is the most difficult hurdle.

I am sending you lots of fellow feeling and a hand-hold. Please look after yourself as well as your OH.

If you scroll down the page here -

www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/sight-hearing-loss

you will see a green box with the title 'Sight, perception and hallucinations in dementia'. This is a free information sheet you can download, and might help you.

Take great care and do accept all offers of help from your family.

So sorry Canarygirl1, my friend is 80 and her husband has had vascular dementia for two years. I am not aware that she has any professional help, luckily her adult children still live with her.

I have downloaded a few articles for her from the Alzeimer's society website here -

www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/treatment-and-support-vascular-dementia#content-start#

I hope there is support in your area to help you both.

One thing my friend has just discovered is that the dementia affects the eyes. She took her husband for an eye test, and he has now been registered blind. It seems that his eyes can still see, but unfortunately his brain cannot understand what he is seeing.

There is help but you need to research what you need and ask for it I managed to get some wonderful help for my mum whilst she was still in her own home GP was first port of call he arranged a social worker and occupational therapist to assess needs I was also given a list of charities for help with befriending, visits etc
SW also arranged a day centre twice a week to give Dad a rest and she felt very important going off on her own a bus or taxi picked her up and dropped her off
This was a few years ago so I m not sure if these things are still available but talk to your GP and ask for help
Good luck