What have you finally made peace with?

I'll never have a relationship with my first born son and his three children. No regrets, I couldn't cope with the constant drama that surrounds him and his wife.

A friend contacted me 2 years ago after a falling out 16 years ago due to my friend always having to be right. Anyway I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Over Covid she rang me nearly every night with her troubles with her partner her mum how she still loved her ex husband she was drinking too much.
She visited me ( we now live 180 miles away as iv moved)
I visited her I had a nice time except every night I had to cook because she was too drunk then I had to put her to bed by 9.30 every night.
She has gone through breast cancer & told me her partners family were there for her as she fell apart.
I have a Stepmum who lives in her area who has pancreatic cancer & not much time to live so I was planning my trip to visit her. Her reply was you can’t stay at mine I said oh ok may I ask why. She said her partner said he couldn’t put up with the pair of us ( he wasn’t there the last I had stayed) I said but I’m not coming down to party it may be the very last time I she my Stepmum & I didn’t get drunk at yours once you were drunk every night I had to put you to bed & clear up all the mess you made ( she always spills food drinks crisps everywhere.
I asked her if she would like to see me when I’m down. She said yes but I don’t have any weekends free until after Christmas I said that ok I don’t mind seeing you in the week.
Then one day I was speaking to my best friend who asked me to pass on her apologies to said friend that she hadn’t replied to her text asking my best friend to let her know whenever she has a weekend free & theycould go out together or as a foursome!! Why would she lie?
I confided in her that I had found a lump in my breast & iv made appointment at Drs she said well don’t worry until you have something to worry about.
The day of my appointment she didn’t wish me good luck.
After my examination the Dr said “ this lump does feel worrying “. While waiting for mammogram & scan. I text her & another friend. My other friend replied straight away.
But this friend never replied so after a week I text asking if she’d received my text. She replied with just a yes.
I said why haven’t you been in touch. She replied with I have many friends that need my help which isn’t true as it was obvious when I visited her that she doesn’t have many friends . And she’s spent so much time hunting down old school friends & friends shed fallen out with years ago) so if that’s a problem maybe we shouldn’t be friends. I asked her how she could be so cold I told her it wasn’t good news. She replied I hope it works out well for you.
For all she knows I could have weeks to live!
I’m so hurt & shocked
Any help would be so appreciated x

I am in the process of making peace with my adult children’s relationship with their father- they enable some of his really unhealthy behaviors and choices - It has been a struggle for me

I feel for you Glammammana I am the same ,, missing my wonderful husband after 51 years looking after him for just over 2 .. He died 2018 . He always looked after me like a princess ! After he died his sister insulted me ,, I have not spoken to her since ! I just wonder why people are so hurtful ?

Stella14. I too have a daughter who treats me as yours does. I’ve asked why but she shuts that question down with ‘I don’t talk about personal feelings’ so no chance of any resolution or understanding. I adore her children so put up with her because of the joy I get from them. But they are just in early teens now so are off with their pals and interests so I’m seeing less and less of daughter . It is a relief as to make peace with that particular situation I need to avoid it. She will never treat me with anything but strained tolerance and I no longer want to be part of that situation.

I am so sad and also full of respect for the people who have faced such pain in their lives. I've had plenty of pain but nothing like the estrangement so many live with, or damaged and damaging parents. I think we are not taught how to manage pain in our lives - or we are taught ways which actually do not help, but seem like common sense. For instance, to try to turn away from painful feelings, or to tell and re-tell our painful stories. Actually it turns out that turning away may make it worse - as does dwelling on the painful story without finding the way to move on. We seem to need to allow the painful feelings to run their course - kind of digest themselves - which is not easy, and may need a good listener to support us. There are several books which might help - one is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. Its in paperback and not expensive. I hope some of the people who have posted will consider reading it - it could help. I do wish you well.

Katy1950 Sounds just like me I haven’t seen my son for 6 years
and neither has his sister. But I’ve now moved on because I can’t do anything else. He did not reply to letters or texts and in fact returned Christmas cards telling me not to send anything again. So I didn’t. That was the end. That and his mother in law telling me that my son hated me… now why would one mother say that to another, and we used to be so friendly. That actually put the tin lid on it.

my parents loving their three sons more than their only daughter
not being able to drive because i was shouted and hit by my dad when i didnt know how to reverse the car at 17 (my first lesson)i lost all cofidence in my ability to learn to drive
losing touch with my best friend at school
never having enough money
always being at the beck n call of everyone in my family

biebz

Kandinsky....this sounds like my story. How did you set yourself free?

I could write an essay to be honest, but in a nutshell, I was exhausted spending half my time living in the past ( or reliving it ) whist coping with everyday life in the here & now.
I was almost becoming two people.
I decided enough was enough & that the past was exactly that - the past.
But it’s not been easy ( lots of counselling over the years ) but at the end of it all, I learned to forgive myself.
Take care x

What a lovely thread! I’ve come to peace with many things and “almost peace” with others.

I’ve decided the body I have has served me well even though it’s not the slim ideal. I’m not spending the last quarter of my life hating it any more.

I’m at peace with my own personality- accepting my quirks and odd habits as who I am regardless of the approval ( or lack thereof) of others.

I’m at peace with the fact some people in my life are not happy and it’s neither my job nor in my power to make them so.

What a great post and I'm pleased to read the responses.

I often wish there was a switch to turn off things in the past coming back to haunt me.

I won't bore you all with my past problems but I have had a troubled life.

Things from the past still upset me such as wrongs done to me by people I loved, and also the way this effected me as a person. I suppose I wish I had done better. I certainly haven't been perfect either.

I now mostly love my life as it is and try really hard to appreciate everything I have including the good friends and family I now know I am worthy of.

The end of my favourite Shakespeare sonnet keeps coming back to me ‘But if the while I think on thee dear friend, All losses are restored and sorrows end.’ I will never be at peace with the idea that some of my dear friends from my youth are gone and I never had the chance to thank them and tell them how they lit up my life.

Lovetobenanna

Love reading your thoughts about this and wondered, would any of you wise ladies be kind enough to give me your advice on how you have made peace with the things you have. I’m struggling, I guess, with acceptance of so many things. Thank you x

Learn mindfulness and to meditate daily. Read some if the Dhali Lama’s work.

Mollyplop

STELLA14 I sympathise as I am in a similar situation. I haven't seen my son for 8 years now. Most of the time I try to count my blessings for the family that I do have, but his birthday is always hard.

How long has it been @Mollypop?

I've made peace with the fact my son who haven't spoke to me or his 2 sisters for nearly 10 years all due to his controlling partner. For many years we tried and tried to reconcile but with no avail so one day I decided that life was to short to continue to worry about the situation and put it to the back of my mind it still pops in to my thoughts every now and then but the anxiety has past

Supergranuation

I so wish I could make peace with my demons. I try but they always rise to the surface again as I believe it's a punishment for being so horrible to my lovely Mum when I was in my teens. I continually try to work out why I became the wild child that I was from the age of 14 until I was 20 and met the man who is now my husband. I worried my poor Mum for all those years and although I tried to be the perfect daughter in my adult years I still crucify myself every day for making her so unhappy for so long which she no way deserved. ?

Time to forgive yourself for this. Adolescence is an emotionally and hormonally turbulent time. The brain isn’t fully developed until 22/24. You only treated your mother badly during that short period. My youngest daughter changed from the loveliest child to a horrible adolescent and never came back. She is 39 now, and is still obnoxious. I would be so delighted and relieved if she had come back to me at 20. You were a good daughter and you mother wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up for a few years of adolescent bad behaviour. ?

Love reading your thoughts about this and wondered, would any of you wise ladies be kind enough to give me your advice on how you have made peace with the things you have. I’m struggling, I guess, with acceptance of so many things. Thank you x

What do you do when you can't make peace with the past? I had a wonderful childhood with loving parents and siblings I met and married a man, who I later found out had been having sex with my maid of honour on our wedding day, and with her and several others over the years. We divorced and I was a single mom for about 10 years, then met my second partner. I thought we were happy for over 20 years, then found out that he had been the same as my first for all that time. I've been on my own again for several years, and am sad and lonely, but cannot forget or trust any more. I don't think I will ever be at peace. Without my lovely family, I sometimes wonder if I would even have survived.

Another one who was never good enough for my mother.
She always resented me and continually told me that when I was born it ruined her life.
She died 10 years ago.When she was very ill I did all I could to help but it was never right and she pushed me away all the time.
I feel at peace with it all now,she was a very bitter woman and I could never have changed that.

STELLA14 I sympathise as I am in a similar situation. I haven't seen my son for 8 years now. Most of the time I try to count my blessings for the family that I do have, but his birthday is always hard.

I have enjoyed reading OP's comments here, it has given me some insight into my own psyche. I am human and done things I'm ashamed of but have eventually forgiven myself and hope I have learned from it. It's such a good sounding board this thread, thank you Kandinsky for posting this :0)

Is it to make peace or to come to terms with whatever it is?Thats what I wonder about.
Trying to make peace with extended family ie.in-laws who are rascist knowing very little about a different persons culture or life. Having a mixed culture gd has shown us what they are like so no can’t and won’t make peace.
Coming to terms with a lot of things and trying not to have regrets and to move on. IF only, how many times has that been said.

I have lots of regrets that come to me in the middle of the night.
When I get up to a new day I try to live my life like the song of Edith Piaffs, "Regrets I have non".
A new day, a new life going forward, we can't undo the past and ours and others actions but we can try to be different in the future.

I so wish I could make peace with my demons. I try but they always rise to the surface again as I believe it's a punishment for being so horrible to my lovely Mum when I was in my teens. I continually try to work out why I became the wild child that I was from the age of 14 until I was 20 and met the man who is now my husband. I worried my poor Mum for all those years and although I tried to be the perfect daughter in my adult years I still crucify myself every day for making her so unhappy for so long which she no way deserved. ?

I have now accepted that I’m better off without my sister in my life, it was always a toxic relationship and I’m better off with no contact , it’s been like this for many years now and I’m missing nothing.
I accept I lost my darling parents, they were good to me and I hope I never failed them as I grew.
I’ve also accepted I will never get my darling son and his step dad to be friends, I’ve stopped playing piggy in the middle ,they are adults and have made their decisions.
I love them both separately but we will never be a family team.