HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

In court the Judge was trying to ascertain the time of the incident and asked the Defendant "Was dawn approaching"? His reply was " No there was no one else there" You could not make it up.

Wonderful! Thank you.

I used to have to do court reporting in my job as PA to the Clerk to the Justices in a magistrates court, but I can’t say I remember anything funny like those! This thread is so funny. I was in sore need of a good laugh and I’ve had tears running down my face guffawing at them all

Hilarious

Thanks so much for all of these! I needed cheering up.
My only contribution was whilst working in Liverpool a lady came in, demanding that something was done about the problem with her roof garden.
When it was pointed out that she had no roof garden, she said indignantly, “It’s the grass in me gutters!”

love it they must find it hard to keep a straight face at times!

grandtanteJE65

Teaching English as a foreign language, I came across some gems as well.

Two, both written by 14 year olds in essays, caused me some concern until tactful enquiry established the fact that they were merely spelling mistakes. Here they are:

I went to camp and played sucker all summer.

(She meant "soccer")

We went to the Zoo and afterwards we had buggers.

(He was attempting to convey the fact that they had been to McDonalds' and had hamburgers.)

Those reminded me of the time when, as a language assistant in France, I asked my new group of university students to tell me about themselves.

One announced, in his gorgeous, sexy French accent, what sounded for all the world to me like:

"I like to make love to people".

What he had actually said was "I like to make laugh to people", but the combination of the wrong word order and his pronunciation of 'laugh' really threw me.

It was hilarious, though the poor young man was as red as a beetroot when he realised what I thought he had said.

I have been laughing a lot at that - amazing that it actually happened.

MamaCaz Jasper was one of the best ever acts I've seen live (apart from Victoria Wood).

Teacher to boy who was constantly talking and talking: 'What could we do to help you focus better?' He thinks for a solid minute and replies, 'Ice cream.'

Teaching English as a foreign language, I came across some gems as well.

Two, both written by 14 year olds in essays, caused me some concern until tactful enquiry established the fact that they were merely spelling mistakes. Here they are:

I went to camp and played sucker all summer.

(She meant "soccer")

We went to the Zoo and afterwards we had buggers.

(He was attempting to convey the fact that they had been to McDonalds' and had hamburgers.)

I used to work in a Magistrates' court, and while I never heard anything like as funny as these, I do remember one defendant addressing the Bench as "you lovely people, and then bursting into song serenading them. And another somewhat disgruntled defendant, who took his shoes off and launched them as missiles at the members of the Bench. It was pretty amusing seeing them dive for cover under the desk, and then peering up over the top of the desk, a bit like the Chad figure!

Maywalk thanks you so much. we've been crying with laughter!

Thank you Maywalk - so great to be cheered up on a Monday morning after so much doom and gloom

My poor Biology teacher handing back my test paper, 'really Xxxx, you may have discovered something here'.....I had written 'an amoeba is a microscopic orgasm'.......

Funny!!! ?

Thank you Maywalk for sharing the laughter x

thank you so much for cheering me up, i love these.

I have choked on my tea reading these, so funny. I used to work in repairs at the council and a woman phoned up to complain. I asked “where are you” meaning the address and she said “in my kitchen”.

Geez. Brilliant! xx

Reminds me of the insurance claims that Jasper Carrot used to read out.

PinkCosmos

It does make you wonder at the intelligence of the attorneys!

Just found this that I saved ages ago. I think it is quite old. sorry but some a bit rude.

Funny letters to the council' (allegedly)

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2

Love it varian

AHHH hence your user name Maywalk,but hey ho,you could roll on in your w/chair,i would pay to watch you for sure, bless you.