Now I'm really going to be on my own

Sorry you are having a bad day*mumski*. I would imagine that post Covid fatigue must make all your losses all the greater. You have been through so much. Keep posting on Gransnet. There are wonderfully supportive people who post here and will support you.x

How do you cope, especially with the loss of a daughter? I can’t even begin to imagine - 15 years or 50 years, you will never get over it ….so sorry for you

So sorry to hear this and can’t imagine how you must feel. Time will help but at the moment you will still be numb. Your daughter leaving will affect you my son is leaving soon just to move into his new house and Im So happy for him but dreading him going. I’m sending you hugs and positive vibes. X

I know exactly how you feel. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Everything changes even though we don't want it to especially when family and partners have been the epicenter of your existence and suddenly you find yourself on the outside looking in. It's not easy to come to terms with changes that we have no control over. Some days I find myself really dipping into despair but I try very very hard to pull myself back and give myself a good talking to and hard as it is I try and keep upbeat with family and friends. I feel that they won't want my company if I'm gloomy. I've just started a volunteer position at the local library and a community choir so just try and reach out. Big hugs

Yes Luckygirl you've absolutely defined how I feel too so well:
there has been a major shift in my role. I am no longer doing the caring and looking after people (children then OH) but am the person on their own who others need to look out for and make sure I am happy.

Daughter is busy packing as we speak. She's excited and looking forward to to the move and there is no way I'm going to let her know how I feel.
Big girl knickers on.
The fact that so many of you are/have been through similar situations really helps and I am truly moved by your kindness and love. xxx

Mumski - it is all right to feel the way you do and brave of you to try hard to hide it from your daughter.

Keep up the brave front until she has moved, then sit down and have what my mother would have called "a wee weep".

Then comes the hard part. Dry your eyes and let yourself get used to how the house feels.

Once you have been on your own for a while - and no-one can tell you, how long a time "a while" is, the time will come when you feel able to plan a little or at least consider some options,

You may not feel you are rattling around in the house, but if you do, then you will start wondering whether to sell and move, or enjoy the peace and quiet and the memories in your home.

If you like pets, a cat or dog, or some other pet would be good company.

Or you may prefer to be free to travel once life becomes more normal again post-Covid 19 or to do something totally different that a dear husband and five children prevented in the nicest possible way.

Just don't rush into changing things and don't get impatient with yourself for feeling sad.

This is the right place to express these feelings, so come again when you need to.

? mumski xx

It IS hard mumski - I was talking with my DD about this yesterday. We were talking about Christmas, which she is hosting at her house; and I was explaining to her how strange it feels to me to no longer be the lynch pin of family Christmas - to be the one doing the inviting and preparing everything. I am very ;lucky that I have 2 DDs nearby and another up north, all of whom are kindness itself and I know that there is no way I would be on my own at Christmas - and I am grateful for that - but somehow it encapsulated the shift in my life.

My OH died last year and I am just beginning to surface from the trauma of that and of all that went before when he was so ill for so long. I am finding that my life has changed hugely - not just because I am on my own - but because there has been a major shift in my role. I am no longer doing the caring and looking after people (children then OH) but am the person on their own who others need to look out for and make sure I am happy. It feels mega-weird to be on the receiving end.

Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful that there are family and friends who a so giving - but it is a major shift in who I am.

I have thrown myself into village life, my singing and so much more and am never ever idle or at a loss how to spend my time; but I do understand how hard it is to be doing all this on my own; to be coming home from these activities to an empty house.

Top of the list of adjustments is realising and accepting that it is OK to live almost totally for yourself, and that you have worth independently of others.

I did move house after OH died - I had already set that ball rolling before he died as I needed to free some of the capital tied up in the bungalow in order to pay OH's nursing fees. For me it has been a good move as I am back where all my friends are.

I hope that you will find the right way forward for you; but please know that you are not alone, and there are always people here to talk to.

A good site is Way Up (https://way-up.co.uk/), which is an online widowed support group. Lots of people to talk to; and they organise meet-ups and holidays if that is what you need.

Good luck.

Big hug - like so many others on your thread ? When I found myself alone my 2 daughter's were so supportive at their young age 20s.
Looking back, 10+ years on, I'm now comfortable on my own. There were many 'Open House' weekends, where they brought friends for a meal or for the weekend - with and without themselves!
Maybe, you could arrange a Sunday lunch once a month?
I do find especially these days, something set, works better than just expecting or assuming they will turn up at some point.

My sympathy, Mumski, I can relate to your feelings. My DH has now gone into a nursing home and although this is a relief it is also something of a shock. Looking after him has so totally absorbed me for the last couple of years that I will take a while to rebuild my life and, like Maw, want the man he was back.

Lots of helpful suggestions from those who have trodden this hard road and I hope things get easier.

mumski a scary time for you but you are doing the right things , thinking about how to fill your time, develop a "new normal"! Well done. Can I suggest that once you feel up to it, you consider a volunteering role of some sort. It can really help to have that routine, to feel useful and helpful to others, when trying to move forward

kathsue I am glad that overall you are doing "very well" and so sorry Covid has knocked you back.

I can still feel the pain of empty nest syndrome when my children left home. And that was nearly 20 years ago. But it will get better but I hope that knowing that people understand what you’re feeling has helped….

I'm so overwhelmed with the kindness, compassion and warmth you have all shown me. It set me off crying again but in a good way.
So many good and practical suggestions too.
I'm due to go back to work next week which is a mixed blessing as it will get me out of the house and amongst friends, although the job itself is not easy.
As you said MayBeMaw "You may find, like me that you have to be the proactive one, with all the risks of appearing needy and risking rejection involved." That hit the nail on the head!
I've got great friends but they are all in couples. So maybe I will try a group such as U3a as has been suggested.
Thank you so much everyone x

mumski, I was widowed when the four children were young. When the last one left, my grandson lived here.

When he left, I really felt quite lost for a while, despite having pets to care for. I was rattling around in a big house, except when there were visitors.

Then I got a lodger, and that worked out very well. I'm back on my own now and I've finally adjusted.

Hello, mumski. I'm so sorry you are having a bad time. I expect some of it is to do with the covid, the weather and Christmas being just round the corner. Things will get better. There's lots of sympathy and good advice on here. I particularly like the advice to be proactive and get things in your diary, however small. It is always good to have something to look forward to. I got through lockdown by booking a holiday some months ahead. In the end I had to cancel it because DH was going into hospital but it had served its purpose for several weeks as just something to look forward to. Keep cheerful - this bad feeling will go away.

Yes Sparklefizz, the divorced do suffer emotional pain.
Another remark about how many people live alone; apparently when you are a couple you stop noticing.

mumski I'm sorry youare feeling so low. I've been on my own for a very long time and probably don't really appreciate how some people feel when they lose a DH. One of my friends in similar circumstances has found a group composed of people in the same situation she says although all her friends have offered support she has found talking through the shared experiences with this group really helpful. They also do social activities. You could try Googling to see if there is a group in your area for people in the same postion as you. Good luck

Hey mumski, big hugs, it will be hell the first few months. My husband died in May 2016 and my daughter had to go to Canada in August for her international degree year in the August. We were both so grief stricken and numb I hadn't even organised any Canadian dollars for her, it was a terrible time. I did go over and surprise her for a 5 day visit.

What I've realised, all these years later, is that she didn't want to worry about me being on my own as she was having a great time and starting out on her own young adult life. Initially when she rang I hadn't been doing very much and had no news, I could tell she was disappointed I didn't seem to be making the most of my new 'me time'. I made a great effort and started volunteering at a local charity shop, travelled and socialised more, and did some courses (had to pay for them, wish I'd appreciated the 'good old days more when they were free!) I always had something positive to say when we spoke.

I hope her move goes well and they get on well living together again. When she goes you can start experimenting with new things. You could try new recipes you've found (something your late husband wouldn't like), go to a painting class, get a bike, join a rambling group - so much to do and new people to meet who might share your interests. I won't say get a dog, I've got to go out in the freezing cold again in a minute!

Be happy

she isn't divorced she lost a much loved husband

I'd like to just point out that someone can easily feel in tremendous emotional pain and sadness after divorce. It isn't only bereaved people who suffer.

Mummski I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low and tearful. I was unexpectedly on my own 20 years ago and eventually life did pick up and improve. I hope that once you have recovered from Covid the future will be brighter for you. Sending you my very best wishes.

There's going to be a period of adjustment mumski and it sounds as if you're already thinking of things to do. If you're also getting over Covid you're bound to be feeling low.

There's nothing wrong with having a good cry; 'better out than in' as the saying goes.

and a BIG (((hug))) for you and for you kathsue.

kathsue

IS the Op working, a job fills many lonely hours plus gives a sense of purpose. You do get used to being alone, im happy to be alone and i work partime at 67. Ive lots of hobbies. Theres stuff out there you just need to look

Don't underestimate the after effects of Covid on your mental health. I was widowed 15 years ago and lost my daughter around the same time. I have "reinvented" myself several times and made changes to my life (for the better). Apart from a few blips I am doing very well.

Six weeks ago I caught Covid. I felt really ill for a couple of weeks and now I can't seem to shake off the aches, tiredness and depression. I frequently feel like I'm so old, useless , nothing to look forward to and life's not worth living.

What I'm trying to say is that when you've fully recovered you will find things easier to cope with. In the meantime I'll send you a virtual hug.

I am so sorry, I hope you find lots of joy to fill your life with after this scary transition