I apologise for the length of this post but some of the background is relevant to my quandary
In September my son and his fiancé who are in their mid-thirties split up, she broke it off with him saying she didn’t feel the same and no longer loved him. Obviously, he was heartbroken, they were living together at the time and have continued to share the house as “friends” while sorting out the sale of the house and finding somewhere else for them each to live. This was difficult at first, but my son has come to terms with the situation, is in the process of buying an apartment and has met someone else, although it is very early days. He seems much happier in himself too. When my son and his ex got together she made me a promise that she would not mess him about or do anything to hurt him, (he had had a messy break up before they met).
Fast forward to this morning I received a recorded whatsapp message sent at 5.00am from the ex-fiancé, she had been drinking, telling me that she didn’t want me to think she’d broken her promise to me and that she had spilt with DS for his own good. She then went on to tell me the ‘real’ reason for the break up was DS has become broody and wants to have children and talked about it all the time. She does not want children. She said she had 2 options either to have a child and DS stay home to look after it (which I’m sure he would love to do) and she said she would end up resenting the situation or to stay together and not have children and be resented by DS, which she said she couldn’t bear. She went on to tell me she had made the decision to end the relationship for DS’s
She then said it would not be beneficial for DS to know the real reason and asked me not to tell him. She then said she would love him till her dying day and would always be in his life. She also said she had chosen to make DS hate her so that his heart could be open to finding happiness with someone who would want to have children.
My dilemma /s is do I go back to her and tell her that she should not have put me in this situation and that she should have told DS the truth.
Do I tell my son and risk messing with his head when he is just beginning to get back on track? I don’t feel comfortable knowing this and not telling him but would I make things worse for him?
My husband thinks I should just ignore it and not say anything but I’m not sure.
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I have a dilemma what would you do
(23 Posts)I wouldn't say anything if I were you. That old adage comes to mind----"Least said, soonest mended" and I think it's fitting in this case. Let sleeping dogs lie.
I wouldn't say anything, particularly as you say your son seems happier.
If it was meant to be then it would be. Stay quiet - who knows what the future holds for your son, hopefully something/someone even better ?
Definitely say nothing. If you do say anything you will probably be the one blamed for whatever the fall out is and do you want to damage your relationship with your son? Of course not. The ex-GF if drunk is probably feeling very foolish and if she rings again just put the phone down on her, you have no responsibility towards her or her actions.
Do nothing, I would mistrust the reasons for her making this call.
Ruby79, I'd never take too much notice of anything said by a person who's been drinking. Perhaps she felt that she owed you an explanation, that's all. Don't tell your son - as it could be an overly emotional, simplistic half-truth, at best.
She sounds very troubled. Please don’t put the phone down if she rings again, that wouldn’t be kind. She should speak directly to your son herself, but agree with others not to get involved ———(though if it were me i might be tempted to mention it to him) Tried to strike through the last few words but it didn’t work.
Do not say anything about the call to your son - ever. She was drunk. Whether she had an ulterior motive or not, just do not think about it. What is over is over - and if she wants to make it up, well that is up to her to contact your son, not get you involved.
The ex-fiancé has confided in you to put her side of the story. She really should have been honest with your son about not wanting to start a family and perhaps they could have reached a mutual agreement about that. I would wonder why she chose not to. So say nothing and let your son get on with his new life and take the drunken confession with a big pinch of salt.
I would not mention it to your son I wonder what has made her make this drunken statement about her feelings ? Is she maybe jealous of your son's new relationship and expects you to tell him her real reason for the breakup ?
I would talk to her in the cold light of day, when she hasn’t been drinking. She may say something completely different then. In fact..what she told you on WhatsApp may not be in her memory at all.
Once you’re on the same page so to speak, you can tell her she’s put you in a difficult position. I think she should tell your son this, then it’s for him to decide. I know he’s met someone else, but this person may not be right for him. His ex fiancé may still be the love of his life.
I hate secrets. They always cause problems eventually, and I can see all this backfiring on you further down the line, when, because he will....your son finds out.
My friend had a similar problem with something her sister told her. I advised her to tell her sister that she ( my friend ), would give her a month to come clean, and then she ( my friend ), would spill.
Once somebody tells you something, you have a right to not be burdened by it. It becomes your property too. It shouldn’t be your problem, and this is your son. If it had been the other way round, and your son had said this, then maybe keep quiet, it’s not for you to get involved, but in this case, I’m afraid I disagree with others. Give her some time, and then tell him.
Hope it all works out for you all.
Don’t say anything because your son seems to have moved on very quickly and found a new love so maybe he was not as heartbroken as it seemed
It wasn’t meant to be so let it go and leave them to get on with their own lives
When my son and his ex got together she made me a promise that she would not mess him about or do anything to hurt him,
Are you sure you’re not too involved in your sons love life ?
I think she knew she didn't want children and therefore it couldn't work out. I know 2 people who have split up because one wants children and the other doesn't. Then the pressure goes on trying to get them to change their mind.
She sounds a very nice person to confide in you and end what would be a destructive relationship.
Would I tell my son? Not unless he asked me if I knew why she ended it. He probably knows anyway as it would have been discussed before
If your son wants children and his ex doesn't that would have been a recipe for disaster. This is what split my own son from his wife after years of marriage.
He has a chance of happiness now and possibly children with another partner.
I would forget about her drunken ramblings and let your son get on with his life.
I wouldn't place too much emphasis on a drunken call , I would not be convinced about the reason she gave you for them splitting up! She may well be aware of his new relationship and be feeling jealous. I think I would keep quiet about what she told you . She should not have told you and as I am sure you understand it is their business. Your son is happy , has met someone new and who knows he may well fullfil his desire to become a father - think how lovely that would be!! Relax and don't become embroiled in your son's past relationship. Good luck!
Don't tell him, it'll just stir everything up again for him. I think the ex has been decent really , she could have led him on, let him think they were trying for a baby. She's giving him the chance to have the family he craves.
Do not say anything, to anyone, ever.
It was a drunken phone call, she should not have attempted to involve you, and it sounds too altruistic to be true.
If she phones you again, repeat the above, kindly, and end the call.
Your son has to be aware of the children dilemma - this is way too big and they must have discussed it, right?
It only took him 3 months to find someone new - he moved on fast and he seems to be ok already
Step back and dont say anything.
I agree with everyone else Ruby79 your husband is right, don't believe things said whilst under the influence of alcohol. In vino veritas is not always right.
Leave your son to sort out his own life, he seems to be managing OK so don't rock the boat.
You are being used & manipulated don’t be drawn in. It will eventually be sorted out one way or another, Keep your own council, best wishes.
The message was for you, not your son, so don't repeat it. The ex-fiancee probably just wanted you to know that she remembered her promise and she wasn't messing your son around. Maybe she didn't know if you would talk to her, and needed some booze for courage.
Having children isn't something you can negotiate or compromise on, you both have to be committed. My DD was with someone for three years before it became apparent that he didn't really want children and she did. They were young, both with good careers, travelled a lot and had a multitude of hobbies and friends to take up their time. She left him when it finally dawned on her that he was happy to continue like that forever, whereas she was reaching a point where she wanted to be settled and have a family. Two years later she met someone else and they've been married for many years now with children. She still sees the ex sometimes, they are quite good friends. He has never married or had children, has a live in girlfriend and is perfectly happy as he is. As is she.
Thanks to everyone I think you have affirmed what I was already thinking.
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