Exhausted Nanny

The children are at risk here, because you’re not coping. It’s a crisis waiting to happen. My goodness, I can’t even begin to understand this at all. Why you have almost just been neglected....and the children.

Where are the other grandparents? You say the mum has covid? Is that right?

There seems to be plenty of money around. Spend it on childcare, or get your son to pay someone to run his business, because otherwise, you may find yourselves looking back, and asking...’ if only ‘.

The money isn’t relevant as someone else said. Most of us I’m sure, would be happy to do this for free, but NOT at the expense of our health, and safety of our grandchildren.

Please stop now.

Hetty28 I totally agree with you.

I just couldn't do it now, I don't have the energy, stamina - or enthusiasm needed to cope with three children for very long.

Although I love their visits, I'm always available for 'emergency duty', odd days or occasional weekends, I certainly wouldn't be up for any longer stints. My children wouldn't expect me to be, either.

I've done the 'parenting' thing, mainly single-handedly, thoroughly, with my four kids. That phase of my life is over, in the past, done and dusted. I have no wish to do a repeat!

SHELL60, just tell your son to arrange proper childcare!

Esmay the thing that horrifies me most is how other women connive, quite unintentionally, to keep these grandparents in subjection, telling them that they will be rewarded by their grandchildren's lifelong affection, or that 'our children have such busy complicated lives'.

I never quite understand this argument when I read of the average adult spending anything up to 5 hours a day watching screens, this excludes work.

Posters themselves talk about 'loving their children/grandchildren unconditionally' as a justification for martyring themselves and destroying their health looking after grandchildren, as if anything less is not unconditional love.

In an age when most of us have worked and been able to follow any other interests we have, I cannot understand older women that can only define themselves as grandmothers and whose grandchildren are the only thing in their lives.What happens when the grandchildren reach 14-15 and start to want to spend time with their friends rather than their grandparents? All those doormat grandparents sitting alone at home staring at the wall, their purpose gone, their children and grandchildren getting on with busy lives that do not include them?

Gosh. This all sounds so awful I feel for all those who are being coerced into doing more childcare than they wish to do or can cope with. Looking after grandchildren should be a joy.
Please all of you seek advice and support, and learn to stand up for yourselves. Apart from being terrible abuse of the grandparents it is also a terrible example to set for the children. They will grow up thinking it is OK to treat old people in this way.

MOnica -
I am totally fed up with my son's attitude to me .
My father is really demanding and difficult to cope with .
I'm exhausted .

Caring for grandchildren is completely out of the question .
But my friends are in complete denial and nake constant excuses for their offspring .
They don't like listening to me !

I know how exhausting it can be ,im fulltime career for my grandson whos just turned 3 years old (long story ) and can relate to some of what you say ,im on the go from 1st thing untill late in the evening

Esmay Reading your post and the description of your friend's lives. How have you all reached a position where your children care so little for you that they blackmail you like this.

If my children were so selfish and uncaring as the ones you describe, I would probably prefer that they stayed out of my life and I only saw them occasionally.

I'm sorry you are being treated like this.

May I just say though, that your post is so refreshing in that you are able to see that it is your son who needs to sort this. So many times we read people solely blaming the DIL, purely because she is female.

I hope eventually they see that what they have been expecting off you is unfair

if you don't stand up for yourself no one else will.
no is a complete sentence.
practice it.
could you go stay with your mother for a while, or friends, or the coast in a nice guest house if they are open.
get away from that toxic situation.

Three small children for 12 hours a day !!! What ???? Not sure how you do that , far too much for a younger person . Sounds a very complex situation , whatever is going on it has to stop. You are being taken advantage of , you love your GC but that is what they are GC ! They are not your responsibility. Please take whatever action you can to protect yourself and the children.

Let's get this sraight You are looking after your sons children, he is working for his dad and his dad is paying you?
Your eldest GC is old enough to go to school.
Could you find a pre-schol for the 3 year old?
Get dad to pay for everything.
Take time out if you wish, but you could ask someone to do part time caring with you, so you get contact with your GCs. But don't do more than you want.

It breaks my heart to read this .

You are being abused .
My son has never forgiven me for not being able to care for his daughter .
I did try for a few months .
The journey took two hours .
Their house was disgusting filthy .
I was horrified .
He was actually quite rude and insulting to me when I did manage to go over to help .

I'm a full time carer for my father .
I tried to compromise ,but it was impossible .

I have several friends who endure emotional blackmail over childcare :

One is travelling for three hours a day and looking after her grandchildren and cleaning her son's house from 8.00 - 6.00 .
She's given up her hobbies and is irritable .

Another gets shouted at if she can't care for two demanding toddlers . She has severe agoraphobia and other mental health issues .
Her husband, who can't afford to has had to give up work to help her .

And I know another couple, who care for their grandchildren 24/7 and have to take them on holiday as well .Their parents seem to have completely relinquished their care .

None of us are young and not that physically well either .
It seems to be an epidemic .

SHELL60 Do you live with your son or do you have your own separate accommodation that you pay for yourself?

If you live independently, just give in your notice. Just tell him from Monday, 11 January I will no longer do child care and if he turns up with the children in the car, do not answer the door.

If you are dependent on him for accommodation, is there anyway you can live independently from him?

As you have a sympathetic doctor, could she supply you with a letter to say that you are not fit, and therefore not safe to be left in charge of young children for as long as you are. Would the realisation of the danger he is putting his children in if he continues to use you as a child carer affect his behaviour. What would happen if you collapsed during a childcare day? Had a heart attack or stroke? Would there be someone present to ring for an ambulance?

Recently in England 4 children, 2 sets of twins were burnt to death when there mother briefly left them alone and a house fire started. You do not have to be absent for something like this to happen, just unconscious on the floor.

Thank you for your support.
I too call it abuse and I'm humiliated and knocked-diwn by anxiety and not an ounce of care.
I live in South Africa but we are European / Britsh.
My son and his family have been in South Africa for a year now.
I do indeed know that he really should know better.
His father is a bad influence on him.
But STILL he should knows better. I'm so very sad by him.

The money irrelevant. You can’t cope and you must tell them just that, they are the parents and they should take over child care, if business suffers tough.

Very good. I love this.
I eventually got my elderly mother and i to the Doctor today.
This is what seemed to have made matters worse
I told my Doctor what us going on and she said very much the same as you did . Thank you.

My heart aches at the disrespectful.
Thank you.

The salary was no where near what I should be receiving.
My son's father is paying me because my son runs his business and is very busy.
They buy many lovely things from the money earned.
I dont even get a chocolate as a gift from the children.
I do every dayof the week.
And many nights.
I also start at 5am many mornings.
I cook.
Bath the children.
Do all their washing.
Do all the dishes my son leaves me daily.
And try to clean the house.
I'm so exhausted and I feel humiliated that they (mostly my son) is so deliberately using me without an extra cent for what I do.
I've done it for 5 weeks and daily.
They wanted another month from me.
I'm just humiliated and sad They can't sort it out to give me a little help or time to shop.

Treat the situation like any other job and give notice, a week should be long enough to find someone else. If he doesn’t find anyone then will have to use an expensive agency.

Agreed and this my son cannot accept.
My heart is sad.

Absolutely. This makes perfect sense and was what I was looking to happen.
Unfortunately he's ignored the few times he knew I was not well or get someone to give a minute to help when I was so overtired and stressed.

He always says he's too busy to give me time off. What!?!?!? You tell him when you can care, he has no right to treat you as a skivvy.

However, I wonder what country you live in and whether you come from a culture where it is just assumed that grandparents will look after their grandchildren. Do you live with him or do you ahve your own home.

If you are in the UK, the way he is behaving could be described as 'elder abuse' and could be a criminal matter. Assuming you are in the UK, I would contact Age UK, or Citizens Advice. Put those names and your location into your search engine and they will tell you where the local office is and how to contact them.

If you are not in the UK, you will need to find out where your local charity for the aged is and speak to them.

I agree with VS

Taking care of 3 kids 12 hrs a day would exhaust anybody despite their age

I would take to bed, say you’ve a temperature and don’t feel well. Desperate measure for someone that won’t listen, he won’t have any choice, say you need him to help with shopping you need and help preparing meals. Tell your son, you cannot do it anymore. I’m afraid their mother needs to put her business to one side and hot foot it home. Good luck tge selfish pair finding another help.