Shuffling a Child between 3 to 4 different households

Two children in my extended family are in the position of commuting between both parents' homes, and in my professional and personal opinion are happy, balanced and flourishing. After a very difficult divorce the parents are now reconciled and they and their partners and family on both sides are totally committed to the welfare of the children.

I agree that being the children of divorced parents is too easily presented as an excuse for difficulties. They can, in my experience, also receive an abundance of love and affection and support.

grandtanteJE65

This is most certainly not good for the child and must, as you say, be addressed.

I have taught school-children that were being shuffled back and forth between divorced parents and even with two settled homes and reasonably amicable relationships between the divorced parents, it often caused harm to children aged 6-16.

I shudder to think of the consequences for a 3 year old.

Which of this child's parents do you get on with best? Your daughter I presume.

Sit her down and tell her that this situation has to be sorted out. If the father has custody, why is the child not living with him?

This biased and prejudiced view is one of the reasons the children of seperated parents suffer, because some teachers look for reasons to find fault with them. Of course some children aren't happy, but so are children from homes where both parents are together.
It needs everybody who has contact and input into the child's development to provide the support the child needs. So no snide remarks when a child has left something at their dads and won't get it until the next week. No dismissive "Oh well she's from a broken home" when a child has problems. But a positive attitude "Aren't you lucky to have 2 parents who look after you." If a child has problems the negativity from a teacher can only make them worse.
Surprisingly children survive, grow up and prosper when they have love and care from the adults in their lives. My GS with good A level results, happy and taking a year out before Uni is an example. He had 3 homes was taken to school and collected by any of 3 of us from when he was in nursery until he could travel on his own it didn't do him any harm at all.

Paddyann, your family pulled together in the way most do. Our family has a similar pattern which is working well. The key is the children are loved and feel secure

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paddyann your DGD sounds very well adjusted and obviously had plenty of love and stability ie she knew what to expect each week, you all love her and she had a space which was hers, she wasn't like a holiday lodger, sleeping on the floor.

Even though she didn't get the ginger haired, chinese baby sister she requested ,just one who looks the same as she does .
I remember that ?

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Iam 64 Our GD went to nursery ,primary school and now secondary school 13 miles from our home .We've taken and collected her 3 days every week since she was 18 months old .She knew whose day it was to collect her and which house she was going to from a very young age.
She had 3 bedrooms until she was almost 10 ,then 4 when Daddy and his new partner had a new baby .Of course we were worried about how it might affect her but to be honest it really hasn't in any bad way at all.We all tend to be very proud of the lovely girl and great big sister she is .Even though she didn't get the ginger haired, chinese baby sister she requested ,just one who looks the same as she does .

Paddyann54 is correct to point out the reality of family life. Many children spend 50% of the week with separated parents. If we had magic wands parents would live happily ever after, children would life in a lovely home with a bedroom each, they’d go to one excellent excellent primary school, one brilliant high school.
That was never reality and it’s less so now as parents can life separately if their relationship is grim.
I admire parents who are able to out their differences away to focus on co-parenting. It’s unedifying to judge such parents negatively.
Grandtante I wonder how many miserable children from ‘ordinary’ backgrounds you taught and yes, I’m familiar with research

Oh if only life was that simple grandtante If both parents are working shifts someone else needs to take up the slack and look after the child when her parents cant.That was why my GD lived half the week with us ,her dad worked shifts and needed someone here to look after her ,take her to nursery etc.
The half week at her mums had to be split between her mum and other granny for the same reason,Mums a nurse ,works shifts so other granny had her those days
.In an ideal world all parents would stick together until their children grew up ,but we know thats not practical or indeed desirable .Other arrangements have to be made and rather than judge surely we should help find a way forward .
Like I said before our girl is a lovely bright, funny ,polite wee girl who loves all of us and is happy to spend time with all of us .Whats wrong with that?

This is most certainly not good for the child and must, as you say, be addressed.

I have taught school-children that were being shuffled back and forth between divorced parents and even with two settled homes and reasonably amicable relationships between the divorced parents, it often caused harm to children aged 6-16.

I shudder to think of the consequences for a 3 year old.

Which of this child's parents do you get on with best? Your daughter I presume.

Sit her down and tell her that this situation has to be sorted out. If the father has custody, why is the child not living with him?

I think ChrisEllison has left the building.

It just adds to the fact that I m not at all sure about this thread or the poster who has explained very little in the original post just a group of puzzles and so far hasn’t come back with any other explanations
So is it a ‘real’ problem ?

Does every poster state whether they are male and female? Should we ask for chapter and verse if someone assumes that a poster is female?

Most of the posters on GN are female, so most references to them are female. However, a sizeable minority are male, so assuming that any specific poster is male is no more worthy of an astonished reply than assuming that they are female.

But that’s a totally tenuous link ‘Chris’ can be a male or female name Not that many men come on here with problems about their family, a handful if that, in the last ten years
Nowhere does it say anything about being a man in the original post just some people have jumped to the conclusion
Anyway I doubt is this person will be back, it a strange story indeed

The actor Chris Ellison is a man. If the poster is using his name as their username, it is reasonable to imagine that they could be male. If they are not, it isn't relevant to the posts, anyway.

But where does it say the poster is a man ??
The posters quotes her daughter has the great granddaughter no where dies it imply it’s a man

Please copy and paste where it says ChrisEllis is a man !!!

In fact more than one and the youngest DGC sees the single bedroom as hers when she comes.

I'm not in any meaningful employment either now but I have got a spare bed.

Wikipedia - Born 16 December 1946 so now 75. - "In August 2011, he appeared in a New Tricks episode titled 'Half Life' as a prisoner. On 27 August 2015, he entered the Celebrity Big Brother house. He was evicted on 8 September 2015.
In 2017 he appeared on the celebrity version of the television game show Pointless.

so not appearing currently in anything very lucrative.

Perhaps it’s because he hasn’t earned anything during the lockdowns.?

Elegran

But he says he is the child's Great-grandfather, and that hisr daughter is the child's grandmother. so why does he need to ^"get this thru to my daughter without her feeling I am booting them out?" Booting who out? I am confused.

Plus, if the poster's real name is Chris Ellison, and he really is the actor who was in The Bil, then I think he should change his username.

I don't think he or she is Chris Ellison, the actor.
He has a son, not a daughter and I'd be surprised if an actor would be living in a one bedroom flat with a sofa surfing daughter and great-granddaughter.

That was upwards of half a century ago Paddy. I’m talking about today. I do know about the past. In the 60s my grandad lived with my parents and me after his wife died.

the OP doesn't say if its a GGF or GGm ,just that its a GGC.Perhaps the GM shares custody with the dad ?
GSM My granny ,born 1888 lived with us until I was 18 in the 1970's,when she died .We loved having her with us although she was an issue with my parents sometimes because she wanted my mums company at night when she couldn't sleep and poor dad was abandoned .Apart from that we all got on well and she wa s fantastic story teller and listener to all us girls

But he says he is the child's Great-grandfather, and that hisr daughter is the child's grandmother. so why does he need to ^"get this thru to my daughter without her feeling I am booting them out?" Booting who out? I am confused.

Plus, if the poster's real name is Chris Ellison, and he really is the actor who was in The Bil, then I think he should change his username.

Both Dh and I grew up in multigenerational households. When I grew up, I swore that I’d never have my parents live with me and that I’d never inflict myself onto my children.