Am I being unreasonable

An update. I met up with my daughter it was a bit frosty to begin with and she was very guarded no apology but she’s stubborn. Anyway we all sat down together son in law as well and discussed how to move forward. I explained I’m not a childminder but the children's grandparent and the only time I see them is when I look after them if I don’t do that I don’t get to see them in a grand parenting capacity. I said in the two years I’ve looked after my grandchild I’ve never let them down and been available at a drop of a hat. I’ve had the children overnight once a week for over 2 years to help them have time together. My daughter had put my grandson in daycare the 3 days I had him and asked if I would still have him overnight which meant I picked him up from daycare and take him the next day. I said no as to me that’s not quality time with him. Suffice to say he now does 2 days at daycare and I get to spend time with him overnight and the next day. We have since gone out as a family.

Concentrate on your own recovery right now. I hope you feel much better soon.

You are, as everyone keeps telling you, not the unreasonable one in this turmoil.

When you feel strong enough to mention the matter to your daughter then will be the time to find out what you want to tell her.

I know what I would want to say - "self-seeking, uncaring besom" would be the least of it, but that would of course ruin any and all hope of a future relationship with your daughter and her family.

Please do remember that if you had just let them come to your house knowing full well that they might be infected, you would have felt dreadful about not having asked them to take a test first. They refused your reasonable request and now you are paying for their inconsideration.

gmarie3

I don't understand things like this. There's something wrong with the world these days when so many people can't even be inconvenienced to put someone they love at ease and protect them from illness. The fact that Jude2019 has been a helpful and loving grandparent makes it even worse. I

I absolutely agree with this. So unkind and unfair!

Your daughter wants to think carefully before she flounces out on you.

Here in the UK professional childcare settings are having staff go off sick with Covid the same as anyone else.

Our local school had to send children home for the last three days before Christmas because of staff shortages, and the local pre-school sent out a warning letter this week that if one more member of staff goes off they will have to close as they won't have enough staff to be allowed to operate.

Wishing you well for a speedy recovery Jude2019 xx

I don't understand things like this. There's something wrong with the world these days when so many people can't even be inconvenienced to put someone they love at ease and protect them from illness. The fact that Jude2019 has been a helpful and loving grandparent makes it even worse. I

He wouldn’t even do a home test in case it was positive.

We live in Australia and he had symptoms so he could. I work as a nurse as well. Obviously things are different in the UK I moved here 11 years ago from the UK.

Just a comment: in some areas (such as mine) unless you work in health care or are clinically vulnerable, you CANNOT get a PCR test. Even if you are symptomatic.

It may not be so much that he didn't want to, as it was not possible.

You are not unreasonable Jude. I would concentrate on getting yourself well and keeping your husband safe. I think your daughter may well change her mind and value your help in looking after your grandchildren after they have paid out for day care. Your daughter and son in law should be testing regularly if your husband has an autoimmune condition. Put yourselves first for once.

We look after our grandchildren once a week. The other days they are in nursery/school so very exposed to catching something. My daughter and the family test before we go ( as do we) and if any of them has so much of a sniffle, they test. SiL I think would prefer not to but he also appreciates the childcare we provide so complies?. You have done nothing wrong OP. Nothing much to add really but I hope your daughter recognises her poor behaviour at some point. Perhaps when the daycare costs start to hit home…… If you do start looking after them again, I hope you continue to take the same precautions.

No, no you're not unreasonable, not at all. Your husband is your responsibility, not your grown daughter and her family.

There is nothing wrong with having asked for a test, especially with a vulnerable family member in the home. It's not a big ask.

We've had colds and a family member asked us to test before coming this week. We just did. Even if just for their own comfort.

You did absolutely the right thing, and I’m so sorry you’re unwell now, and wish you a speedy recovery.

I’m so sick of hearing about entitled, selfish grown up children. I know you want to see your grandchildren, but you and your husband must be allowed to be ill without feeling under pressure, covid or not to be honest. I would always put ‘us’/ ‘him’, before grandchildren.

Often, I think people get frustrated, and say/ do things on a whim, without thinking it through.

You must look after yourselves first, you’ve done all this with your own children. As much as we have no rights to see grandchildren, their parents have no rights to expect things of us either. Any help we give should be welcomed.

Do take care.

How very selfish of them both. You did the right thing. Your situation highlights how differently people see the threat from Covid, and also provides some insights as to how it’s being spread. Did they realise that the children could pass on the infection ? I agree with other posters - see what happens when the childcare bills start rolling in and if you are asked to babysit again, insist that they do regular LFT’s to keep your husband safe.

I feel so cross on posters’ behalf when I read yet another story of selfish, entitled grown up children, and the lack of consideration shown to their parents.

As your husband is already not in the best of health, your well-being should have been their main concern, and the fact that you are now ill with covid yourself makes their treatment of you almost unbelievable.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your situation.
Maybe when you are in a calm frame of mind, speak to your daughter and try to get her to understand your situation.

Yes she will need to arrange temporary childcare until you are fit and well again, but I hope the situation regarding seeing the grandchildren improves once you are better.

Yes they are being unreasonable. Her reaction could be a heat of the moment one. However she should have taken into consideration both how you and your husband are feeling.
My thinking was along the same lines as JaneAinsworth re when she finds out the cost of childcare. I’m sure she will change her mind and hopefully appreciate you a bit more.
I hope things resolve themselves. It’s horrible not seeing or being able to see beloved GC.

No you were not being unreasonable at all, especially with your OH health problems.
Your SiL should have been happy to at the very least have an LFT before he came anywhere near you both!
Your daughter's reaction is quite unbelievable!
Did she really expect that you would continue to look after the GC when you were unwell?
OK so it was a nuisance for her to find alternative arrangements at short notice but to threaten to take away your caring role that she was so happy to use is not fair - unless she thinks she is doing it for your benefit, that she should have told you about.
I just wonder what she will do once the bills for the childcare roll in ?
In the meantime, put yourself and OH first and make sure that you are properly recovered before taking the next steps. You might well find that though you love looking after the GC, some time without them may help you to see it in a different light and you would be more suited as back up carer rather than full time,

With some experience, I believe covid has caused many family problems. Each and everyone has different opinions of the covid pandemic, some not believing that covid is serious & just a flu, testing, isolations, staying away from people & doing things particularly when the infection rates soar, to non-vaccinated v vaccinated persons. Not everyone in a family believes the same thing, Sooner the better when the pandemic is over.

Sounds like you have been very reasonable. A minority of people seem to have a blind spot with regards to Covid. Having said that your daughter and sil have been very callous. The decision to enroll in a nursery seems to petulant but at the end of the day the will lose out. It doesn't seem to be that there's any choice but to stand back and assess your relationship. However I would think that the days of free and flexible childcare are over.

I think they are being very unreasonable and very selfish. I am sorry this happened but you were right to ask, entitled to ssk and you deserve some respect.

Try not to take it to heart. Easier said than done, of course.
But your daughter does appear to be acting in a very selfish way. Isn't she concerned about her father's well-being?

Perhaps she doesn't understand how ill you've been - but I'm surprised she hasn't contacted you to find out and just assumed the kids could come to you as per usual.

I think you need to talk - she seems consumed with her own needs and has to understand that you are a person in your own right and have your own needs and duties. Don't let it fester for too long - it's obviously upsetting you a lot so you need to resolve this as soon as possible. And you can only do this by talking it through with her.

I don't understand why your SIL refused a PCR test, under the circumstances. Do you think maybe it's him who's orchestrating all this?

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You are being protective of your health and your husband's.
Your daughter seems to have been so caught up with her own needs and arrangements that she has lost sight of those of her parents.
I can empathise with you as learnt the hard way. I threw myself into childcare when my daughter was left with 2 under 3 year old when her husband walked out on her. I would duly travel up on the motorway at 6 30 am to be there to look after them whilst she went to work. However I became ill with an autoimmune disease which has caused several hospitalizations over last 3 years. She was completely unsympathetic and clearly irritated that free childcare had gone.
Sadly although I see her and the children regularly her harsh words have affected my feelings towards her and I feel that I must be guarded to safeguard my own health.
Please take care and look after yourself. We have one life to live and we deserve to be healthy and happy and not a slave to adult children.

I'm so sorry, its is awful for you, please take care of yourself

I hope you feel better soon

She is being manipulative. My husband and son have covid atm and they are both in bed! Why are you not allowed to be ill?