Friend stressed to the hilt with looking after mum.

When I read these kinds of threads I am glad that both my parents died within 2 years of one another. I never had a good relationship with them and left home as soon as I could afford my own place.

My father died of cancer in the late 1990s and my mother became very clingy and dependent upon my sister. Living in another city and being a non driver I was not in a position or of an inclination to help out or visit much. You may say that this is hard. As children my sister was the golden child and I was always second best. I often think that running after mum for the last two years of her life was her punishment. Karma has a way of bighting back.

Thank you very much for your advice, i will tell my friend ( daughter ). I think there is an element if feeling its her duty to do A, B and C ( despite having a brother, who seems to do very little apart from bob in and chat, which i know is important....... )

Thank you.

Have a look on the Pensions and Benefits section of the forums - I have a background in benefits and have provided information there on applying for various benefits, attendance allowance included. This is the first step and if awarded at the higher rate, will provide £360 per month to go towards making the daughters’ life easier - either by buying in a few hours of care via social services, or paying for a cleaner a few hours a week which will take the pressure off a bit. If the daughter earns less than £128 a week she can also apply for Carers allowance once AA is in payment, provided she cares for her mum for more than 35 hours a week. If she earns over the threshold, is there another member of the family who could provide care ? They need to earn less than the earnings threshold and not be in receipt of other ‘income replacement’ benefits such as state pension, universal credit or employment and support allowance ? Although the earning threshold is £128 a week, private pension income is not counted.

I would try to persuade the daughter that in this day and age, if shopping can be done online then that’s the easiest option and would free up more time for her.

As others have said, there are volunteers who will help with providing transport for hospital appointments, and if the mum is pretty much housebound, district nurse services will provide any necessary treatment which can be done at home, but you need to get your GP on board with this to start the ball rolling.

Thank you silverlinning my friend has already reduced her hours, but she goes to her mums first, makes lunch then goes to work.

Looking from the outside in, i see a LOT of things that can be installed to help take the stress off my friend ( daughter ) but in my view these things can't be forced upon her mum because then THAT is taking away her independence and freedom of choice, ohhh its so difficult, it really is.

I went to visit my friend ( the mum ) this afternoon, I asked what her day consisted of, her reply was "not much."

She has bad eyesight so reading and watching TV is almost a no nò. I asked if she would like me to find day centres for her tò go to , i said to PLEASE tell me if i have overstepped the line. She said yes for me to make enquiries so i have sent an email to Age UK to ask them. There is a BRILLIANT day centre where we live BUT it coincides with something else, so that is a no no.

I didnt ask about Attendance Allowance but i will as her daughter.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL HELP.

If your friend’s daughter can reduce some of the jobs which are wearing her down she would then be better able to enjoy time with her mum just to chat, relax or do something together. It’s so sad her mum is so full of praise so clearly has no idea her daughter is exhausted and starting to resent her mum by the sound if it.

If your friend is willing to accept help then they can request an assessment from social services fir help.

Also, if she doesn’t have Attendance allowance it might be a good idea to claim it, it’s not means tested and can be used fir anything which might help the recipient.

Careers allowance can also be applied fir if your friends daughter is under pension age.

You are a very good friend to both but it can’t be easy being in the midst like this.

There is so much excellent advice in what Liz46 is saying Serendipity22.

Thank you for being there for your friend and her mother, but in particular for your friend. Talking is a great release. I had a friend who would listen to me and be a shoulder to cry on many a time.

My lovely brother and I cared for our mother after dad died. She had dementia. Neither of us lived with mum and we both worked. She locked the door to carers so we gave up with that. He lived much closer than myself so went round every day and I went over at the weekends.

On doctor's advice we finally, as Liz did, found an excellent residential home. She had had two mishaps with her medication.

Age UK will help both your friend and her mother separately.
They have 100s of volunteers that help with a wide range of things. Their helpline number is 0800 009 966. I hope you can persuade your friend to ring them. What a lovely friend you are Serendipity22.?

Ohhh Marydoll Liz46 x

Isnt it just so heartbreaking, its just a terrible situation because you ( i dont mean you petsonally) love your mum and dad, you want the ultimate best for your mum or dad but you are face to face with such despair and stress.

My friend apologies for 'loading' it all on me, i tell her NEVER EVER APOLOGISE TO ME, I cant do a lot but i CAN be a listening ear.

I can see the stress building up in my friend ( the daughter ) and i sit down in a nice, warm living room with a nice, hot cup of tea and a biscuit with her mum, my friend and I hear lovely words of praise for her daughter ( my friend ) and i have to keep my gob shut. I so feel for both, but there is no clear cut, black and white answer. Whatever solution there is out there, its met with negativeness.

I can honestly, truthfully say that when i looked after my mum, it was an absolute joy, she was just a joy and with me knowing what was out there to help, she freely allowed it to take place, but i know that isn't the case for a LOT of others.

Serendipity, what a sad post.

That is exactly what it was like with my mother. My brother did nothing, but he remained the golden boy to the end.
My mother refused all outside help and everything fell to me. No matter what I did, it was never enough.

She needed new windows and central heating and refused access to the council workmen, making do with a coal fire. Her house was always freezing.
Eventually after I broke down one day at work , a colleague took me aside and said I had to ask for help from social services.
I had become sad, angry and resentful.

That was a turning point for me, Social Services were so supportive, as was my GP, who was also her GP.
I couldn't have gone on any longer.

I hope you manage to find a way to relieve the burden on your friend.

I think that Age UK have volunteer drivers who help with hospital visits. They also help to fill in applications for Attendance Allowance.

I remember looking after my mum who had dementia and finally, when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin, he said 'it is either your mum or me'.

We started looking at homes and got her into a very good residential home but had to sell her house to pay for it.

If your 87 year old friend has not filled in a power of attorney, get her to do it. Luckily my mum had filled one in.

I’ve heard of so many cases where it all falls on a daughter, and the parent won’t even consider having carers in.
And firmly telling any social services person who calls that they don’t need any help, because, ‘My daughter will do it.’

Regardless of whether the daughter in question is run ragged and exhausted.

3dognight, thank you.
Appreciate all these messages. When i worked as a carer, i saw this day in and day out ( if the sons and daughters told us ) but we were distant from them, yes we cared deeply, how could we not, but in this case the mum and daughter are my lovely friends.

Perhaps you can persuade the daughter that having things delivered will give her more time and make her less stressed so their relationship will be better and they can have some quality time instead?

It looks as though this a a classic case for applying for Attendance Allowance.

We had the same scenario with my MIL, 89 getting more dependent and much less mobile. Two sons, and one daughter taking turns as mums shoppers, cleaners, personal hygiene givers, cooks, etc. Over the course of six months it was the daughter who it all got too much for. Mum was nasty to her mostly, it was stressful for all tbh. Fast forward to the present- attendance allowance has been granted at the higher rate, and against mums wishes (at first) a private carer attends mornings and evening.

It took a few weeks of persuading with a ‘see how it goes’ attitude with regard to the carers. But now she has three regulars who she adores, they get her up , washed, tablets and breakfast . And at the other end of the day, wash, tablets , nightclothes on, and bed.
Commode, anti fall monitor on, and for the moment this is working well.

This, along with a family rota for everything shared out equally has kept us all sane, and how much mum loves her carers is quite touching to see.

I think its a case of daughter ìnsisting she does shopping, i think she feels its her duty, but its allllll getting too much for her.

Oh dear, and you’re in the middle. Is it that your friend refuses to have things delivered or that her daughter insists on doing everything?

Ohh i care very much, i really do. Its so awful for both. My friend who is the mum ( she is 87 ) will be sat, sat, sat, sat at home with it allllll going round in her head and i know that she will be upset and may cry about it all, she cant help all this its soooo heartbreaking.

I want to stop all this but i cant and the poor daughter absolutely run ragged with it all, she loves her mum with all her heart.

My only help besides the suggestions was PLEASE DO NOT HAVE REGRETS

I can honestly say that i havent got 1 single regret with my mum and to be able to sit alone with no regrets is a blessing, so i say to the daughter "please have no regrets."

I hope that by 'talking' about this here, you'll feel a little better Serendipity. All you can do is what you have been doing, making suggestions.

I can understand why this situation is upsetting and difficult for you. Both mother and D are fortunate to share a friend that cares about them as much as you clearly do .