Boring marriage

Bigmama1960
What first attracted you into wanting to be part of what has now in your own words, become, a boring mundane marriage.?

I was in your situation, unhappy in a 24 year marriage, feeling bored and very unhappy. We split up, and I have to say I’m glad to be independent and living my own life. He is happily remarried. It’s a win-win.

Caleo - Quite easily I should think - they are both very different ways to be!

How can he be"opionated" and at the same time "never suggests anything" ?

We are coming up to 55 years and a few years ago we found ourselves sitting opposite a young couple on a long train journey, they asked how we could possibly be married so long and we laughed and said tolerance, they seemed horrified by the whole idea!
Bigmama you just have to get out there and do your own thing as well as a few things together, we do, then when you are together you will have something to talk about. Was he like this when you got together or is it just since the health problems? I am afraid day to day life can be pretty mundane and sometimes we are very thankful it is.

We went out for our 45th wedding anniversary and when the waitress asked what the secret to a long marriage is, my reply was Guts and Determination. I stand by that, it’s not easy all the time but you can work at it.

I think maybe the pandemic has made the situation less bearable for the OP. The last two years have been very difficult for everyone and particularly for those who need to get some chance to take up new activities and meet socially with people outside the family. OH and I have tallked a lot about how so many older people have got out of the habit of going out and doing things and going to places. It has created a mood of depression in lots of people. Perhaps the OP will feel better now she should be able to get out more and meet new people. I would say she should hang in there for the time being.

Esspee

How is your sex life? This would be a major consideration for me.

I would think that as daily life with this unfortunate man is such a bore to the OP, the answer is fairly obvious...

Unless she completely pigeonholes the two aspects which I don't think most people - especially women - do!

How is your sex life? This would be a major consideration for me.

I imagine 17 years feels a very long time if you are unhappy.

MerylStreep

Dickens
I don’t know what other people think but I certainly don’t think 17 is so many years
If the OP takes on that attitude she’s really going to be stuffed when it comes to 40/50 +

Let’s call it what it is: if you truly loved him you wouldn’t find him boring.

I guess the number of years is all relative - but yes, certainly 17 years compared to 50 isn't that many... but I was looking at it from the OP's POV, as I get the impression it seems like a long time to her...

I've been with my partner for 31 years, love him dearly, but am still sometimes bored with the set pattern of our daily lives. Which of course is not the same as being bored with him.

Just ask yourself would life be more interesting and exciting without him. You would have to make it be like that.
Sometimes the situation you know is better than the one you long for.
If you are both divorced did you both bore or get bored with your previous partners. Maybe you are just not a one guy person.

The advice is so often to pack it all in and give up on the marriage. Perhaps the first thing to do is to take the advice about making a more interesting life for yourself and then to re-assess how you feel.

Sometimes it is very easy to get into a rut but much harder to get out of it. We have a string of jobs that need doing but have hardly touched them yet, once we make a start, I know we'll find it much easier to make progress.

If you can push yourself to build a more enjoyable life you may - you never know! - set an example that your husband follows a little.

Well in all your posts you don’t once mention loving the man so there’s your answer you are putting up with someone you don’t really have much feeling for

Make your own happiness make your own excitement either with or outside your marriage you’re expectations are too high

I'm in a similar position to the OP - though now not thinking of ending the marriage.

Hubster and I are very different personalities. I like to do things, go places and see people, him not so much, if at all.

I've previously experienced some 'internal battles' on what to do about it, and around 4 years ago ended up feeling depressed and was considering ending the marriage.

At the end of the day I realised that I had to take responsibility for myself and make my own life within the marriage, if that makes sense. I go places and see people and he either wants to engage with these activities or he dosent, I don't pressurise him to do so, so he invariably dosent, and that's ok. Its worth adding that he is a lovely kind and affectionate man who I do love and also respect, and he is quite happy for me to go off and do my own thing, whenever I want to, including staying with friends in different parts of the UK and going abroad with friends.

It is normal for the OP to feel as she does, but it does need to careful heart searching thinking about before taking drastic steps, and there has been some really good advice from peeps on this thread - thank you.

He sounds just like a lot of other men. Was he solely focused on work when he was younger? My Dad was and, when he retired, found little to occupy himself. My Mum made her own social life - card playing, coach trips etc. I think you need to take the lead in finding things to do both for yourself and for you both together. We all dream about how other people should be but people don’t change and he won’t so you need to take the initiative.

Dickens
I don’t know what other people think but I certainly don’t think 17 is so many years
If the OP takes on that attitude she’s really going to be stuffed when it comes to 40/50 +

Let’s call it what it is: if you truly loved him you wouldn’t find him boring.

Life is not all hearts and flowers,he doesn’t sound as if he’s done anything wrong as such! He has health problems but is kind, kind is good! Lol, you say you are restless, maybe he is as bored as you are op, do you actually love him! If you don’t then yes get your eggs in one basket and make arrangements to make a new life for yourself, and you can set yourself free and him too

Life is what you make of it. It’s quite normal for couples to become rather disillusioned after years of living together. Maybe bring a bit of spark back into the relationship by booking a break away somewhere that you enjoyed together in the past. Or, just book to go out for lunch or dinner to a rather special restaurant somewhere you haven’t been before. If you’re both fit enough go on a walking weekend together or do something exciting like parachuting!!! Alternatively, if you’d prefer to do things on your own, there are a never ending choice of activities, courses, clubs to participate in. If you choose this, then you’ll have lots to talk about when you’re together. Our relationship survives because we both have different interests, spend time with our respective hobbies and when we do get together have much to discuss. I like being with my friends, who have similar interest, and I find their company stimulating. Think very seriously about separating. Make lists of the pros and cons of living together. Be positive and proactive. It’s impossible to be happy all the time.

bigmama1960

To answer a few comments. We have both been married before and are in our 60s and have adult children and grandchildren between us. I have talked to him and he knows how I feel. I just want to know if how I am feeling is normal or its just me really.

I don't know what others think, but I believe it's normal for the familiarity with your partner to become somewhat boring after so many years. You know all there is to know about the person and their behaviour is predictable. So in that respect, it's not 'just you'.

But... do you like him? Do you love him? Do you hold any respect for him? If you do, it might be worth finding a way to make your life less humdrum, less monotonous by, as others have suggested, joining clubs, groups etc, so that you are not reliant on him emotionally or socially.

And he - he might not be interested in DIY or gardening, but does he have interests that you could encourage him in? Another question - how much has his illness played a part in his apparent lethargy? I know from experience that this can effect your drive.

Most marriages / partnerships have to suffer the "day to day stuff" as you call it. That's part of the deal.

I hope you can come to some satisfactory conclusion. I'm not sure we exist to 'make each other happy' - being happy and contented comes from within yourself.

TBH if this is how you feel, maybe it would actually be better for him too if you split up, and he could hopefully meet someone else

Being opinionated takes some kind of motivation. He's motivated/mentally exercised enough to be opinionated. There's nothing actually wrong with having opinions but I presume you're using the description negatively and suspect that you don't like some of his opinions. So tell him you disagree. Have a dicussion. Most topics are interesting when you think deeply about them.

Or, to put it as my dad used to put it (probably from someone else): "Nothing is boring. People are bored."
So you are bored with your marriage, it would seem. Now, ask yourself why without blaming someone else.

To answer a few comments. We have both been married before and are in our 60s and have adult children and grandchildren between us. I have talked to him and he knows how I feel. I just want to know if how I am feeling is normal or its just me really.

Dickens mentioned companionship. That’s something I find is an important part of marriage, especially as you grow older. But we have no idea how old the OP is.

Really think hard before you take a step outside your marriage.
Many people are married to people like your husband and instead of feeling bored, build a life and social life of their own - find new interests that you enjoy that you can do without him - you might be married but you are not joined at the hip!
Are there any clubs that you can join locally ? WI? sports clubs, volunteering? walking groups? just for starters.
If you start a separate life for yourself, you may well feel better about your marriage - even if your OH doesn't want to do anything, doesn't mean to say that you have to do nothing as well!
My own parents were similar - my dad only wanted to go out occassionally - usually to things involving the extended family. I never ever knew them to go out for a meal with just the two of them!
Mum joined several groups in the village - Mother's Union, Tea meetings, day outings , and even holidays without my dad - they were, I think , happily married for over 50 years before mum died.