My sons in laws spending excessive amounts of money on sons birthday present and holidays

I don't think you are being irrational, but I do think that you are probably worrying needlessly.

I can understand your point of view, and realise that it must be difficult to see other people becoming important in your son's life - particularly if they can afford to give him things that you can't. But, you have given him so many things that money can't buy, and he will know that.

In the past couple of years my children have both 'coupled up', and we decided to make the in-laws the same as the children when it comes to presents. I have absolutely no idea how much their own parents spend on them, or whether they buy expensive things for my children - really that's none of my business. We do our thing, and they do theirs.

Equally, it's possible that my children's in-laws think that we spend too much, or are too mean.

The in-laws aren't going to buy your son. It doesn't work like that. Look at how many posts on here are on the lines of 'we've been very generous with money, and the children won't repay us by doing exactly what we want'. If parents can afford to give expensive presents it's lovely all round - they will enjoy giving them, and their children will enjoy getting them - but they don't mean that the giver is owed, or the receiver beholden.

If you can, be glad for your son that he's been given nice things, but remember that you are his mum, and nobody can replace that (and probably won't want to). I am very fond of my DIL and SIL, but I don't love them like I do my own children.

janny59, I can understand why you feel as you do, but I think it is unnecessary and rather insulting to your son, suggesting however much he loves you and appreciates all you have done, he can be easily 'bought' by affluent potential parents in law.

You will find that small children love grandparents for what they are and how much they enjoy their company. If and when they come they will love you for who you are, obviously by the time they get to school age they may well realise that you are not as well off as their other grandparents, but children have very little idea how much things cost - and by the time they do you will have already built such a loving relationship with them that it will not matter.

The main thing is not to be jealous of the other grandparents and not to act as if you feel you are second rate because you are not wealthy. Life delivers us all different hands to play, theirs gave them a lot of money and yours gave you a life limited by caring.

I can see nor reason why they should wonder why you are not as rich of them and you do not need to be defensive and feel a need to justify it. My parents were better off than DH's parents, we are a lot better off than our companion grandmother, but it never caused any friction between my parents and DH's, when they met the got on well and after DH's DF died, his mother used to go and stay with them and it has caused no friction between us and DDiL's mother.

Live for the day and stop worrying about things that may never happen.

how have they been intimidating to him, how have they caused him anxiety.
that is more concerning than cost of gifts.
unless you think it is part of some grand scheme of controlling.
much of your post comes across as if you think it is a competition. that is the wrong mind-set. you will make yourself miserable if you think like that.

Just remember money isn't everything. He will remember all the love and support you have given over the years.
Maybe they feel they are helping, just step back and your time will come.

My GS's step grandparents gave him £1000 for his 18th birthday .We weren't worried about it just delighted that they treat him as their own .Dont see problems where none exist.Some people are just generous by nature

Hi Janny , I don't think it's so much a worry with older kids if the parents in law want to be generous and can be- because they are mature. I can see this must be frustrating for you since you gave up much of your life to care for him. Remember your love is priceless! He knows you love him , but also this is a kind thing the parents in law are doing and try to be pleased for him.
I understand. My son and his wife already give our GC things we cannot match.

My son has been buying his ( pre school) kids gold bullion for a while now, on special occasions. The kids talk a lot about money and gold, which worries me a bit - but I tell myself that I brought my kids up as best as I could and this is their time.

It's never a good idea to compare yourself with the other grandparents. Each set will bring a different aspect to the grandchildren's lives, and the main thing is that the children have a good number of people, all of whom love them and might show it in various ways.

I can see why you feel a bit uneasy, but you're not going to change their behaviour, and you'll only damage relations if you make your feelings clear.

Best just to love your grandchildren in your own way and forget about the material things.

Thank you for that. You have reassured me.

What welbeck said