How long do you think it takes to ‘really get to know someone?’

*Husband became the ex husband.

Hetty58 My husband too was also a good friend, a good husband, reliable, hard working, supportive etc for years....until we had a mortgage, and had children and he had a period of being on strike for a while.

The stress and worry about money and responsibilities made him resent me and his sons. [His mortgage had been paid all the way through the strike though].

I've also watched a friend of 22 years become influenced by rich friends, a huge salary and noticed a degree of dishonesty with others, a lot of bending of the truth going on. As she rose to the top her views became very controversial, very 'woke', and she became very self absorbed. Then she was dishonest with me. I don't know why I was surprised really. So did she change or did the 'true' character come out? [I'd noticed but ignored the signs beforehand, more fool me].

I usually make up my mind about someone on the first meeting. In all the years I have only changed my mind about someone once. The daughters think it’s crazy but like I said I’ve only been wrong once , my instincts must be pretty good.

missingmarietta, spot on!

With some people, you never 'really get to know' until an unusual, stressful situation arises. You can test out a person's character - by carefully creating 'problems' for them to deal with.

My first husband was a wonderful friend and companion - until we got married. He then relaxed and stopped making an effort. I didn't much like the real him!

I think it's vital to observe how they behave with their family, friends and strangers too.

I don't think you can ever really know someone. They show the side they wish to show, they say their side of a story, they say what they know you want to hear, they don't want to rock the boat, they may choose how much to reveal for any number of reasons. You really have no idea of their thoughts and feelings 100%, or how they really feel about so many things.

I always think the real person can be hidden for years and then another side shows in times of stress and difficulties. That's when they can surprise you and you can wonder how you ever thought you knew them as well as you thought you did.

I'm saying this from experience. As time goes on [many years in some cases] and events happen the true character emerges.

Well you can know someone for a lifetime, then suddenly see a different side too them.
Also we all change over time , & sometimes it’s just time to move on.

CanadianGran
I have edged up VERY CAREFULLY on my fence ( don't want anymore splinters !!!!!! Ouchhhh )

There is now room for you. We shall sit and 'observe'.

I think I have always been a fence sitter, but hang on a minute, I let the biggest cretin sneak past my fence ( ex husband!!!) So, I MUST have nodded off as he sneaked past ......

Anyway, whatever, there is room on my fence now .....

I have a friend that I met 27 years ago. Husbands are friends and we do lots together and go away every year for a week. A recent friend asked me how X would react in a situation and I was totally stumped. I had to admit although I knew my friend, I didn’t really ‘know’ her. I know her personality traits but there are times when she doesn’t react the way I would expect her to.

I take a long time to trust people and I am often put off by people who try to rush me into a friendship

Anywhere between 5 minutes and a lifetime.

Ha ha, Serendipity, move over and make room on the fence for me! I can always see two sides to a story and cannot make up my mind to judge.

I've been wrong about people before, from training them at work, to making new friends. I has left me a bit cautious about jumping in too completely. So for myself, I would say that it takes ages to get to know someone, and that may be years.

I’d say never, most people change as they age, for better or worse and some are very good at keeping part(s) of themselves well hidden.

I had issues with trust when I was younger. Life experience has taught me to ascertain a person's type of personality.
I can meet someone and warm to them straight away. I can meet someone and not warm to them.
Being rather direct I am more comfortable with down to earth people. I have little tolerance with people up their own rear end. There is no in between with me I don't like grey areas and I very rarely misjudge someone.

I think until you have seen them in a variety of situations you cannot know how people will behave.

I am a terrible judge of character,forming an opinion on someone too quickly.

I had known my first husband for a couple of years before we married in 1970. People didn’t live together in those days. Less than two weeks after our wedding the abuse started. We were still on honeymoon. I had never seen that side of him before we married. I was 19.

Hmmmmm, I am a self-confessed fence sitter
As my friend once told me you must have splinters in your arse, you've been sat there that long

I keep my distance until i feel comfortably in getting off my fence, point being - we are all different, there isnt a black and white answer.....

My gut feelings on people are never wrong. I don't get strong feelings about everyone, but when I do I'm right.

You can't even know yourself properly sometimes, so I wouldn't say you can know someone else.

You can only trust your instincts and hope for the best.

I agree with Mercedes.

I don't think you ever really know anyone.

Vote for never

When our life changes , we adapt in sometimes unexpected ways and you may see a brand new side to that person you never knew it existed

I'd only known my husband for 6months when we started living together (or living in sin as it was back then!) That was 52 years ago so my instincts must be quite good I suppose

I think it takes much longer than 6 months; but I suppose it depends on how often you see them. If you live together, obviously you'll get to know them much sooner. It also depends on the person (I'm as open as a book, you'd get to know me pretty fast!).

Hmm... I would not move in to live with someone, as a lover( I should be so lucky) or just as a friend if I had not known them for 6 months to a year .... and been with them in a range of situations. Working with someone for a year but not socialising, or only socialising & not meeting in family settings etc. might give you a limited understanding of someone. But people do change, for various reasons and may react or respond differently in different circumstances. Think e all have a secret / private side!

It depends on the person, some people, maybe wisely, don't reveal all of themselves and then there are those, as illustrated in another thread, give way too much information and the sort of stuff you don't really want to hear. I remember years ago one mother at the school gates, telling me within a few minutes of an introductory chat, had launched into how her husband had simultaneously fathered a child by another woman when they were expecting theirs. Then she went on to talk about her business, she was an aromatherapist and how her clients simply begged her for lifestyle tips as they so admired her appearance, all this from someone I hardly knew

I've been right and I've been wrong about people I took a dislike to the wife of a friend when I met her over 35 years ago, found her quite loud and dictatorial, when I got to know her better realised that she is in fact a very nice person quite kind and caring and very entertaining, the dictatorial part is still there but I now tend to think of that as positivity!